I got sober the first time back in 83 and stayed sober about 8 years due to lots and lots of meetings, a good sponsor, the steps, all that stuff. But the "God" thing never clicked for me and eventually drove me out of AA. More honestly, I drove myself out because I just felt so different because I could not "GET" this spirituality thing.
Now, here I am back drinking on a daily basis and hiding it from everyone in my life. It's killing me. I just cannot continue to live this way. I need to go back to meetings, lots of them, and that means I'm going to have to get honest with my wife about what I've been doing. It's really going to hurt her. And let's face it, it scares me. I know, intellectually, that I really don't have a choice. I'm circling the drain and she's going to find out one way or another.
I'm not looking for any answers. There really aren't any questions. I have to get back into AA. I have to tell you, at 8 years sober I was not a very happy guy. But it beat the hell out of this misery I'm in now. I don't honestly know if I can DO the program fully. I don't know of if I CAN believe in a higher power. I can "act as if". I can pray, do an inventory, meditate. But I don't know that I can believe. Does it matter? Do you think it'll work if I just take the actions?
Hi Frankie, welcome to our forum, it's a great place to be.
My view is the God thing is up to you. I don't do 'God' in any conventional way but believe in something, each to their own view.
I do know that the AA program will alter your perception on life in a way that will make your life better.
Take God or leave God, but try to work the program as you can with your view of some power of a higher sort whatever that may be.
Keep on coming back here and let us know how you get on, it's a good group of people here with lots of support and some interesting 'other' conversations!
Best wishes.
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Welcome Frankie, Sounds to me you have a great handle on the program. You know it works when you work it, just get back and the rest will fall in place. Find you a sponor you can relate to , borrow his HP. Don't drink, one day at a time and before you know it you'll have 8 years again.
Keep coming here, post and read , we will be here for you.
I am going to tell you what I , personally, think about this,,, and I first have to say that this is my own humble opinion.
I think that the program works best when we come to believe in a mercifully loving God that can restore us to sanity when all else fails us - when we can turn our wills and lives over to God as we understood him (our understanding keeps changing, and everybody's is different). So I believe that the Steps are not the Steps without Steps 2 and 3,,, without Step 11 it is just the same old me and same old stuff that was never enuff before and will never be enuff. It is God that makes all the difference to me.
That said I know many people, and have read many testimonies of people who started out having great resistance to the spirituality and God concepts and still did their best to work the program as best they could and have had good results. Many slowly did come to believe in a God of their understanding.
No one works the program perfectly, and it is 'progress and not perfection' . You say you were not very happy when you were sober but were happier than you are now being drunk. Well, so , in my opinion, I think we should do the best we can, taking whatever steps we can toward recovery and in a positive direction, having faith that the progres s that we make each day is good for that day,,, and that tomorrow will come and we will deal with that then.
Welcome back to recovery, keep coming and 'more will be revealed' ,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Howdy SD:) I also welcome you to the board. Its 8 years buddy, noone can take away from you. Noone.
The God thing drove me away from AA many times. I thought it was a religious program, and its not. Its spiritual. Theres a big difference.
I went with a few things that the oldtimers told me. "Good Orderly Direction" "Fake it till yu make it" and used the meetings and the group as a Higher Power for a long time, and I stress a long time.
After a while I came to beleive that there was something out there watching over me, and us.
And very simply started to beleive also, in a Higher Spiritual Power of some kind which I did not understand--and was simply told, not to analyze it all--just go with the flow.
Youll find some in the program call their Higher Power "God". Some dont. Its your concept. noone elses, that matters, and whatever works for you, personally.
Honesty with wife. Honesty with ourselves and with others is the only way to go. We all screw up in different areas-we are human, and we make mistakes. We learn and grow from our mistakes.
Everytime I bounced and returned to meetings and AA, I was full of guilt, remorse, and kickin my ass,--but they welcomed me back with open arms and love. No judging--no criticizing-just understanding and fellowship. Youre no different from the rest of us buddy. Dust yourself off, and truck on with us one day at a time.
Everything we have to offer is a suggested program of recovery. Take what you need for you buddy, and leave the rest. Im in contact with a lot off AA people that have been sober for years, and are still using their AA groups as a Higher Power, and it works for them. so-to each their own.
Keep it simple, and easy does it freind, one day at a time.
-- Edited by Phil at 21:46, 2005-04-22
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Believe me when I say I know exactly where you're coming from. I had a hard time with God and everything that I thought went with it. It was by going to meetings and working the steps with a sponsor that I could form my own conception of a HP, one that I could live with and consider my daily companion.
By reading the 4th chapter of the big book and the appendice "Spiritual Experience" again and again I came to understand that my conception is personal only to me, not neccessarily anyone else. And that's ok today.
Just for today, don't drink. And let the other stuff come as you're ready for it. Go to meetings and call your sponsor.And let us know how you're doing...we care.
God was easy for me to understand this time around.
I had lost my children and was in such a depression that I didn't want to live. I knew I needed to hold on because I wanted to see them again. but with no avail no matter what I did I was not getting any relief. I was in so much pain the thought of doing anything was agonizing.
So I prayed to god this...I said "that I can't live like this, with this pain in my heart and I just can't function...But if you could just take it away so I could function I would do anything it took to rectify this mess I made of my life"
Well with in three days it was gone and I made it back to AA. And ever since I have grown to be happy and free...I could not resolve the matter with my children...but I have accepted it. I have never been a God person per-say. But I AM throughly convinced that one exists.
I get so frustrated because if I could only give you a moment in my heart you would know it too, but I can't. I just hope that you could just take my word for it. I have got close to 3 years sober and I can live everyday with the loss of my children and still be happy and be there for others as well, now if that is not a god thing I don't know what is.
Well I hope you can believe that we believe and let that be enough for you...Have a great day.
ellen, that is very similar to what happened to me. I cared about my child so much, and athings were such a hopeless mess,, that I desparately turned to God, and begged Him to do somethng, since I was at the end of all my natural resources. I landed in an instution shrtly after that prayer, and was convinced that all was lost,,, but that is where a staff person handed me the 12x12 and BB, and I first started AA, and my life did start to turn around. I am so grateful to my Higher Power.
i have been so impressed by all the responses on this board,
love to all, in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Get on back to AA and meetings. I'm 14 yrs sober and still find myself a bit of an iconoclast when it comes to "the God thing".
Here's what I've decided : Not all who wander are lost.
I grew up as the son of a clergyman, apparently with a lot of baggage about what "God" is and isn't. But just because I continue to investigate (trying to always keep an open mind) and question (sometimes doubt) makes me no less "spiritual" than others.
In other words, don't be put off by it. Sometimes I view the whole thing very clinically and sometimes I have a more "mystical" view (i.e. there will always be things beyond my comprehension and understanding). To me, if God is anything it's mystery.. the unknown. Mysterium Fidei.
P.S. AA is completely nonsectarian. Buddhists (who are what most western cultures term "atheist") are also able to get sober with the AA program of recovery.
Practically speaking, I use "acting as if" to change my deeply ingrained negative ways of thinking. Day by day I get a bit better. Throw that monkey off your back and come back to AA, where people know what it's like and understand. We can help.
Some really good stuff in the threads. Your not unique, Many of us had to go back out. I can remember the same feelings, Couldn't stand the thought of GOD. I Got told the same stuff as phil. Fake it til u make it is about the only thing that kept me coming back in those days (6 years) Then the drink lasted 7 more. I prayed to the porclien god and prayed I'd never get that drunk again and a lot of other things taht didn't work. Then I prayed for help, I prayed for God to give me the courage to go back to AA. Guess what? I got it and it worked. I went to a meeting that evening and have been sober ever since. Like Ellen and Amanda I believe the strength of the program lies in how well you can work the first three steps and grows from there. Just come back Take it easy Fake it and u wiil make. You may find you have a new outlook on GOD. GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION like Phil said, has worked for many. For ME and only for Me, I ask GOd for help everyday and thank him at night. I'm human, sometimes I forget and sometimes I do it twice, as said, practice not perfection. Regardless I can't do it alone!! It's a we thing. I needed every drink I took to get back here Good luck You must rememder the promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
The Promises
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
I really appreciate it. I went home Friday night and got honest with my wife. It really hurt her a lot, but I had to do it. She's still with me so far. I went to a meeting Friday night and Saturday night. I missed yesterday but will go each day this week to a nooners meeting close to work. I got a couple of phone numbers of some good guys Friday night, and actually used one on Saturday. I didn't drink Saturday or Sunday and I've prayed to "my higher power" to keep me sober today. I'm not going to think too deeply about the higher power thing right now. I don't see the point. I don't care if I'm praying or just talking to myself, as long as it works.
I feel pretty low. I really hurt my wife. But the only thing I can take from it is that I did the right thing. I know I did. Things suck around my house right now, but that's tough shit. I'll just have to take my licks. It's all my own doing.
I'm going to take the good advice here and just face this one day at a time. That's all I can handle anyway. Thank you all for taking the time to respond.
