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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Early Recovery Musings
Post Info TOPIC: Early Recovery Musings
Sobrietyspell


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Early Recovery Musings
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I found this dated November 2006. I'd joined A.A. in the August & was weeks away from my last drunk. I love where my head was & how so much it has changed today lol The Program has given me clarity & freedom these days & life does seem simpler thanks to my HP,  fellowship & all the gifts that come with perseverance. I don't know if anyone here may relate to the funny thoughts I had in my head for so long but if this helps some & interests others tis worth a post. Thank you for always being here & allowing me to share..


I've felt worried by the efforts I've been having to put in with my steps & my recovery. I have to face the shame of my responsibility. The mistakes I've made being of my own doing despite my ineptitude. I've been stupid in my conducts & reasonings. I've held onto my grudges & resentments for what seems like an eternity & I knew all along I was ill of some sorts but somehow couldn't make the insight & objectivity to see it all, sidestep & break free. I've been trapped in this cage of my own making for a long time & I'm now barely making my way out. I don't want imagination to be lost on me. When we suddenly bear witness & admit the falsehood of our ways then suddenly know we don't have to continue in such a way ever again. I can taste freedom but first I have to swallow my pride & then spit it out.

I'm scared of this purge. I'm scared to admit I was wrong for so long. How can one let that go & forgive our errors! What a mammoth task & challenge! I'm shocked by what I'm about to give up, let go & be free of. I have to admit all I did that was wrong. That's the only way I can disown it. What a Push~Through. I'm scared of becoming unrecognisable to myself. I have a scream & tears inside me & I can't wait to let go & be free. I'm just terrified of what I'm going to have to do to get there. It means one day ~ I really will have no excuses to be unhappy & that's a terrifying thought. I've needed to be unhappy for a long time. It has served to protect me; to stop me being brave & achieving my wants. Have I been afraid of wanting things? Did I think all this time I didn't deserve them? I must have done. I think I've been terrified to be a person. A person with demands & expectations; legitimate wants & needs not clouded in neurosis.

The child in me had her ideals. God, my ideals were HUGE. I ran around the world thinking do you know what? I know best, the world should be this way. Why are people being cruel to each other? I had such an immature view of the world. What I couldn't have known as a child was the better reasons for what would seem like injustices. I had no idea of the bigger picture. I had no idea that in order to serve the few you had to begin with the many. It was all about getting the big things right so that you could then fine tune & get the little things right. I was simply fucked off with the whole thing because I'd never had enough experience to teach me this wisdom & then when I did, I guess my spirit had all but died & given up. I shouldn't have turned such things inside & onto myself. My patience lacked because of my resentments. I wanted everyone to see my needs & give to me first. I should have waited & had some kind of faith in knowing that things would come out right.

Everything seems aboutface. I learned selfishness from resentments. My heart couldn't stay pure because all I ever wanted was healing & my family could never do that for my contempt. I turned into a witless beggar. Help me, you bastards. You stupid, ignorant, backward bastards, no wonder you couldn't get it right. How could I expect you to & then how am I even better than you so therein lay the crux of the paradox. My hate & lack of forgiveness for them turned upon myself. Ridiculous. Just souls trying the best they could with the particular hands they were dealt. I grew up thinking everybody else had the answers & they were holding out on me. Really. An old belief of mine was that everyone else knew what was going on & I had no control. I should have known I had an influence. Maybe I'd have been kinder & more compassionate, like what I had was worthy too. I never shone with this innerlove. Not truly. I hated myself. Had the height of contempt for what I thought I knew. I felt I had no right.

Stupid really. It has to be about how much you can serve the world. Not be holding back for your own redemption. I just thought I was ridiculous all along & that people could see through my stupidity 'the way I saw though theirs'. I should never have been so judgemental. That's were humility has its place & bravado no more. I've lots of faults to own up to. I'm so scared of realising how what I based my reality on could be wrong & how can I ever trust my truth again; this handing over to a power & the conscience of this collective. I'm scared of how giving into & releasing into this power may lose me myself yet it promises to recover this! So strange!

I'm glad you're with me on it. I'm glad I found this & that we can always help each other to understand it inside our bonds. I'm scared of letting you down, giving up & turning away from this because it's too hard. I know this is early day talk. Im new in my recovery. I won't give up. Don't worry. I know I've barely begun & how can I ever possibly know what's to come next as sobriety deepens if I don't just keep on stepping! I've many days ahead. They say it takes 1 year to dry up, 2 years to sober up & then the rest of your life to grow up. I want that.


There it is.. Some difficult days gone by. It all passes. I'm very fortunate not to have suffered more than I did. God bless you all. Keep coming back & growing up ;) It works if you work it & you are worth it, Danielle x



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pinkchip


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Oh boy! I get to be dry after another 5 months! lol.  Time to bust out the vaseline intensive care.  Yeah, pretty much sounds like me in your writing.  Self-doubt that you don't seem to have now.  But also some serious determination and a desire to learn which would sort of predict why you are at where you are now.  The first thing I said to my sponsor when we made our agreement was "I won't let you down."  I was that serious about not drinking....my defect of people pleasing has worked for me in that aspect (it could also be called responsibilility and keeping my word as well though).



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toni baloney


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Hi Danielle,

Really enjoyed reading that kind of kolidiscope thinking before Recovery begins.

For me it was DAMN IT, dont you know with my gut wrenching childhood, the World Owed me! (For a woman in her after 50 something years now) that looks so stupid to be writeing, but I went through my Disease that way, manipulating anything and everyone that would participate in that sick thinking.

And then beginning recovery, with the freaked out feeling of how can I can I change all this in one swoop, and just like you, discovered it is thank goodness, just one step at a time. The fellowship being so loving and kind, and began to see, way back then that I could calm my mind, it was not going to happen over night, Thank GOD!

And today, what you said, has turned out to be so true, I am NOT the same person I was a long time ago, took many years of Therapy for me as well, Therapy 3 days a week, AA, 5 days a week, and that growing up was or rather took time, but in time
I did grow up...... Some might question that last statment, lol

Just wanted to say hi, and thank you for bringing that writing in. So many new people might be able to relate.

Hope all is well over there across the sea.

Toodles, Toni

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Sobrietyspell


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Wow.. Pure Untreated Alcoholism lol I actually love all my self-indulgent thinking & considered it creativity. I always cared & have had a heart, of course I do, but that head & instinct of mine was so mashed up. Everybody's beauty & potential are already within yet will not grow without love, light & continuous nurture. I cannot & do not do this alone. I am not alone. Just for Today I am not insane. I may be ignorant, inexperienced, learning & still self-obsessed but I am not killing myself in any spiritual or poisonous suicide based in desperate negativity & hopes somewhere next to lies. I have a New Hope Today based on what I share in the fruits of our labour. Our collective workings of this program & the love we bloom between us. In the name of Sobriety, the key to our Living wholey Alive with a Higher Power of which we came to better understandings. Extraordinary Miracles. All of it. Frequently, throughout. Thank you for being here with me & growing with me 1Day@aTime, Danielle x

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