5th step today

Dodsworth · Senior Member

5th step today

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Wish I could help you more dods. You have my utmost respect for even doing the 4th step. My sponsor doesn't want me going past 3 for the first year. Personally, I kind of feel all my character defaults are reaching awareness in this period anyhow so putting them on paper by then won't be too scary. Besides, I already told him most of the ugly stuff...like raiding my own parents med cabinet for painkillers, having sex with some married man in my parents' bed...um...taking my roommates valium after going through his drawers while drunk...infidelity, driving drunk, having a trash mouth, taking hostages in relationships...you know standard humiliating stuff...Seems I have found out already that whatever I thought I did that was the worst thing ever...it's been done by someone else in the rooms too.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

The things we have done are humiliating to us as long as we keep them. They lose their power once they are told. That old saying holds true, "We are only has healthy as the secrets we keep."

The reality is that everyone's lows are different. Mine, personally was extremely low. But they are our lows and we need to deal with them to have that spiritual awakening.

In recovery, I have had two very real "burning bush" moments. One of them was after doing the fifth step. As soon as I was done saying the last thing I had written down I felt the Presence of Something directly behind me and felt the touch of a hand on my shoulder. And in my conscious I could hear "Good Job."

I felt like the weight of the world was removed from me and I also felt that I would never be alone again...

The 5th step for me was a major turning point with my spiritual growth in the program. So all I can say is don't look at it as how you will be judged, but rather how you will feel...

Good luck...
Dave

-- Edited by Dave Harm on Sunday 19th of April 2009 10:25:42 AM

Dodsworth · Senior Member

pinkchip-the stealing, lying, inappropriate sex is def on my list, but those arent what Im worried about...thing is these particular wrongs i committed had nothing to do with alcohol or drugs...so its like im sharing how i am a monster regardless of alcohol, which is scary...but i digress...

Dave Harm- Yeah, my drinking took me to a place that is hard to fathom...thanks for the ESH, need to focus on why im doing this not on how i will look, thanks for the reminder.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Dodsworth, It doesn't matter what we did, we just tell it to let it go. It's a process, don't get caught up in the details, just do it and be done with it. You'll feel like you're 50lbs. lighter and walking 4' off the ground when it's done. I'm proud of you fwiw.

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 19th of April 2009 05:21:22 PM

Dodsworth · Senior Member

Yeah, I wasn't going to include these two wrongs on my 4th step, but a few days ago i just reminded myself- half measures availed us nothing -

Thanks Dean, your words mean a lot to me...

I meet him in an hour, and boy its time like these that prayer can be so helpful, so i will pray like I've never prayed before.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I noticed yet again I wrote "default" instead of defect. I think perhaps I have an issue with that word defect. Either way, default seems appropriate too, because if I don't face it, admit it, and work on changing it...my inappropriate ways of responding to things will occur by default. Shrug. Good luck Dods, your courage is inspiring.

toni baloney · Senior Member

Hi Adam,

So happy to see that today is the DAY!

Not doing the 4/5th was what kept me out there for 10 years, reasons, same as yours, and those two critical steps, in my mind are what allows us to remain Sober, at last.

Congrats on the work, and as someone said, you must be walking about 4 ft. off the ground by now.

Hope so much you will come back and let us know how you are doing.

PS, Once I told a man in my home group that I had finished the Fourth Step, and had not done the 5th. His question to me was, "Dont you know, if you don't take the 5th step, your going drink one?". That got me motivated, did the 5th step in the next week with a trusted therapist that had been in Recovery for many years.

again Happy for you today.
Toni, you dont know me, coming back to MIP after a while, but have stayed sober, just a break from things can refresh us.

Toni

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Well Done in taking these vital steps, Adam. I commend you for your courage. Life will never ever quite be the same again ;) We have the rest of the Steps to help us deal with ourselves & what comes up for us. I cleared my past, healed my hurts & now only have to deal with what comes up on a daily basis & this is so much more manageable. You are investing in your sobriety with every Step you take. After 4 & 5 you have 6 & 7. These are greatly healing Steps for me too. They are never done with & finished. I can use them & pray everyday. I call them the Secret Steps because people don't share about them very often but they are definately what has made & make a huge difference in my life. You'll get better at them too with continued practice. These surrenders bring us such peace. You will know a new freedom & a new happiness :) Keep us posted how you are. Not Alone, Danielle x

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

There will be three important people there on your 5th. I hope it went well and
two of them will be working on forgiveness for the horrible stuff you did in the past.

I've done the 5th several times after deeply hidden stuff bubbled to the surface
from time to time. I've never had a sponsor strong enough or interested enough
to go back out over my past or strong enough to make me go back out over my
past. I'm solely responsible.

Would like to learn from your experience if and when you want to share it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Dodsworth · Senior Member

First off, thanks to everyone for the support this morning...Having been through today, I feel closer to all of you, to the fellowship as a whole...feels like I punched the most painful ticket to possible happiness....let's hope.

Well, IT is over.

We went over my resentments, my fear and sex inventories with the usual fare: lying, stealing, crazy sex, violence, etc...I think it was the look on my face in the truck on the way to the park, that horrible guilt and soul-sickness that convinced my sponsor to ask "Adam, these aren't your biggies are they?" I shook my head and commenced to tell my two secrets. It was the hardest thing in my entire life, tried to choke back some tears and felt like I was destroying myself in some weird way, rather I was destroying the facade. Ya know, these secrets I had were all in my head, no one in the entire world knew these events ever happened except me, and now my sponsor knew. The realization that they were now not only in my head but in someone else's was the most unpleasant feeling I've ever experienced. The lie that was-"Nice, Wholesome, Goody Adam" was gone. There was no relief after I shared them, but then he told me a secret in return, one that only his sponsor has heard, and that made me feel a little better. It's taken all day and night for a little relief to settle in. If nothing else, its the fact that I don't have to worry about whether or not I will tell someone, when and who..It's over now and at least I'm glad for that. He called me later in the day and again tonight to check on me, telling me he was glad I shared with him, and I thanked him for being that one person I could trust. That was a good feeling.

Honestly, I wasn't going to post tonight because it is so personal and painful. I guess if there is anyone that can read this and be helped it is worth sharing it. For anyone who thinks they have the worst of the worst inside of them, well I really did and I'm still alive and my sponsor is still my sponsor. I talked with another alcoholic on the phone just before I met with my sponsor, and he told me that you have to trust in the process...My options remain thus: drink and probably never come back, or f***** stick it out another day. I choose the latter.

I'm not sure how long it will take to forgive myself, but as my sponsor told me when we got back in the truck, "Adam, you don't have to drink over it anymore".

toni baloney · Senior Member

Hi Again Adam,

That sounded very difficult, and I applaud you. As Danielle said, the following 6th and 7th Step will help you heal, along with the remaining steps. Trust me, things just get better always when we continue to stay sober and follow the Steps.

God Bless you, and just know that no one here judges you, and for me that was a great relief, when I did my first round of the Steps.

Just wanted to say hi to you, and thank you for posting how the day went for you, yesterday.

My best to you,
Toni

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Glad you seen it through Adam...

The power those secrets have are now gone. For me my worst secrets made me who I was and for awhile after I let them go - there was a void.

No longer did I need to keep my guard up all the time. The shock and awe of it all disappeared over time and I was able to forgive myself.

And it was a humbling feeling to realize that I really wasn't that bad of a person. I did some bad things when I drank that I would never consider doing sober and that made me feel good knowing that I was still a human being...

Dave

Dodsworth · Senior Member

thanks toni

thanks dave

BGG · Senior Member

Great job, Adam!!! Thank you for sharing your recovery journey with us.

Love,

BGG

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Good job! This is what the the other 19 (who have to leave to make room for you to stay) won't do. smile

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Woo Hoo!

No turning back now. biggrin

(((hugs)))

Jen

Dodsworth · Senior Member

Dean- I JUST got your 1 in 20 reference...LOL

Mr.Slow here :)

-- Edited by Dodsworth on Friday 24th of April 2009 01:52:41 AM

eastcoastscott · Senior Member

Adam,

Wicked huh? I loved what doing the 4th and 5th did for me. Of course I was scared and all that stuff prior to it. Once we go through it we realize that it isn't about the "details" of our moral inventory but rather the cleansing process it provides. Yes, picking the right person is quite important for sure. I guess we get into the trap where we feel like we are going to be judged. None of the steps involve judgement in any way. We've just trained ourselves to believe that judging, comparing and measuring up are what is required of us in life.
Good on ya, thanks for sharing and don't stress about the upcoming steps. it's just business!