Dear Alcohol,
> >>
> >>First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
> >>
> >>As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
> >>post-work
> >>cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
> >>holidays,hidden
> >>inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless
> >>family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
> >>intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
> >>heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
> >>
> >>1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I
> >>question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
> >>takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends
> >>when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day,
> >>let
> >>alone all hours of the night?
> >
> >>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I
> >>eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
> >>stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few
> >>cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think
you
> >>went too far this time....
> >
> >>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
> >>more
> >>yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
> >>causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue
> >>marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
> >>Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
> >>door key into the lock.
> >
> >>4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
> >>ridiculous.
> >>I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
> >>order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
> >>entire
> >>day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
> >>vitamin
> >>B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face
down
> >>on
> >>the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
&
> >>in
> >>no way interfere with my daily activities......
> >>
> >>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to
> >>ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
> >>stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when
> >>I
> >>just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to
> >>continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
> >>above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than
> >>Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we
> >>can
> >>continue this fruitful partnership.
> >>
> >>Thank you,
> >>Your biggest fan
> >