This is a rough road, I was 12 years sober but I failed myself, my family, friends and my sobriety. Right now I'm doing my best to stay sain but it's a challenge. I along with my father are care givers for my mom who has Alzheimer's disease. My patience is challenged every day, some days there is no semblance of patience towards my parents whom are in their 80's. I love them more than anything and I know my mom can't help herself, I also belong to Alzheimer's support groups who help a lot. I'm going on a cruise with my parents a week from this coming Sunday for a week. I plan on attending AA meetings while onboard. Thanks for listening and letting me have this opportunity to share.
The black and white of it is that you relapsed. That is what the disease is about. Cancer and Diabetes people relapse...all kinds of sick people relapse and the solution is the medicine that which brings us back to health. AA is spiritual medicine which has proven to be most effective. You know where and how to go get it. I don't think you should hesitate. You have AA program literature? Big Book and 12X12? You got a meeting to go to often? I have learned that if I go after my recovery like I use to go after my alcohol I would be using some very good skills to get and stay sober. Maybe?
Hello my friend from Hawaii, thanks for your wise input, I had a feeling you would respond. Yes, I have a BIG book etc. I plan on being armed for the cruise if you know what I mean? Did I tell you that my sister used to live in Kuai?
Considering the situation regarding ocean going vessels these days "being armed for the cruise" doesn't show so far fetched. I know the big book has taken down a bunch of alkys hmmmm maybe just maybe!!
No I didn't know that your sister use to live on Kauai. That is the other end of the spectrum where the islands are concerned. They being the eldest island and ours being the youngest. Kauai is very very beautiful. I hope she is surrounded still.
Read the book slowly...I'm beginning it again. Recently got a picture of Bill Wilson and his wife Lois after recovery had set in. What an amazing "after" picture. Blew my mind and stunned my program wife also. I don't think I've seen one about the both of or either of them that looked so good.
Stay alert!! Don't take the first drink!! Go to meetings!! and tell the pirates "STOP I've got a Big Book." Maybe they would need a meeting also. It could happen!!
I don't know how much of your emotional state is related to your relapse, and how much to your mom's condition, but I thought I would share with you my own experience with relapse after years of sobriety, in hopes that it might help.
I was three weeks away from my 18th sober birthday when the insanity of taking the first drink came, seemingly out of nowhere. For about a year before that point, I had been gradually disconnecting from A.A., not really consciously, but because I had become very engrossed in my work. I had no idea I was setting myself up.
For two years, I drank and hid and was miserable; but I was too prideful and ashamed to return to A.A. Finally, September 2, 2006, I couldn't take the misery any more, so I called the three women I was still sponsoring, told them that I relapsed and asked for help. Since then, I have been sober again.
It was an incredibly difficult journey for me in the beginning. Like you, I felt like a total failure, and my head would try to convince me that I didn't deserve to be sober because I had screwed up. No amount of encouragement from my sponsor and A.A. friends, meetings, working the 12 steps, or prayer seemed to give me real relief. But, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and held onto the belief that "This Too Shall Pass." For me, I got a breakthrough at about 18 months sober. In addition to the Big Book, 12 and 12, and other A.A. and Al-Anon literature, I began to expose myself to other spiritual material, some of which my sponsor suggested and other material which I found on my own. Most of this material centered on how to improve my attitude, my thinking. I can't really explain why it was that these spiritual books and tapes had such a great impact on me; I'm just grateful that they did. I can tell you that for over a year now, I have again found that same peace and serenity that I had for those 17+ years sober before. And, I've come to believe that God allowed me to have the experience of relapsing after a substantial period of sobriety for a reason: namely to help others who have experienced the same thing and are struggling. I know that it takes tremendous courage to return to A.A. as you and I have done. Although this may be hard to believe at this point, I know that if you continue back on the path of sobriety, you too will find peace again. And, you will likely have developed a very healthy respect for the power of alcoholism, and the need for each of us to maintain our spiritual condition on a DAILY, not weekly, monthly or yearly basis.
Please know that you are loved, you are blessed, and you are NOT a failure.
Hi you guys, Jerry F and BGG, firstly, thanks for sharing and I promise, I'll keep the drinking pirates at bay, no pun intended Thank you for sharing your story with me BGG, we have a lot in common. You know, I had a fantastic career, beautiful home etc. etc. I found myself in a slippery place and a sticky situation when I picked up that first drink. I was dating a woman who was a real-estate agent, very successful and come to find out, her X boyfriend was a stalker. This guy was like a sniper, you never knew where he was or when he would spy on us, it took it's toll on my nerves. Since then it's been all down hill, I nearly lost my siblings and parents, I've lost some best friends due to my relapse and hopefully some day I'll be able to make amends. God bless you both and thank you again.
Hey Geraldo, keep your head up man, you didn't lose 12 years, you lived them. You and your family are better for that. I took care of my father for 3 years after his stroke. It was a tough job and I kinda lost myself in the process. I saw a sign for a caregivers support group but I never attended. All I can say is that you still have to put your life and your well being first and ask for help so that you can take the time to do that.
I've tried and done well with the sobriety. My husband continues to bring a big bottle of wine into the house (he swears he has no drinking problem). He manages to drink the entire bottle (almost) in one evening. This is the only time he'll talk to me about emotional issues, work issues....anything really.
He leaves about an inch in the bottle before his head sags and he's gone, meanwhile I've listened to his drunken stories for a few hours. I've found myself drinking the inch he left...
So, I relapse...not hugely but any is huge. Only enough to control my nerves. He always says he's so supportive of ME not drinking...
With the economy (I know, same ole story) we've all had a rougher time of it...he calls me a "stupid b...." and worse on a regular basis. I try to remain tough skinned and do my regular thing, but he manages to break me down every time. So, I drink, to try and remain some kind of control of my home and life. (we know this doesn't work).
I'm wondering how to deal with it all....we have a nice home and now he's thrown his wedding band at me twice and threatens divorce. (we are both on our second marriage, in our mid fifties, have a nice life) but he's very bitter about his first marriage, where the ex "really stuck it to him" as he might say. I try to be the "grown up" in this.
Anyway, needed to vent here. He likes the silent treatment or if I say "good morning" he uses that profanity about my stupidity.
Advice? Help? Walk? Run? (i know my drinking doesn't help).
Hi PJ, no, your drinking doesn't help, it doesn't help YOU. In my opinion your husband is an asshole, I must say I don't know him, you or your whole situation but he shouldn't talk to you that way or treat you that way. I was told that I was an angry drunk but I never knew I was because I was plasstered most of the time. If he's bitter about his X marriage, he needs to live with it and not rewind the video tape!! meaning keep looking at the past. Hey, I'm not expert not even close but I know I wouldn't treat or talk to my wife or loved one that way, at least not knowing I was.
Thanks for replying! I don't believe I was ever an angry drunk. I thought I was fun, funny, thoughtful, energetic....(ha ha).
His drinking makes him bellow out stories way over-told and boring and so far back from his perhaps shakey past..., and when I tell him that we should concentrate on real issues of "today" that concern us? I'm the AH (ass hole? can I say that?) and alcoholic drunk.
You're so right - me drinking doesn't help anything - that seems to be my problem. I worry about "them" (hubby) more than myself, try to wear the strong suit of armor, and if I need a lift from "his" bottle to muster that I have been known to do just that (not good). With all his "support", why bring home a bottle of wine and hold it up in his arms proclaiming "this is for me, not you...you little drunk" Not good.
And proceed to tell me how wonderful I am and how's he's so lucky to be married to me.
So, I'd occassionally take a drink of his cheap wine on the sly to prove I could. STUPID of me......always trying to make things right, much like my mother.
But I've always been strong and no one can keep calling one a stupid b and worse without it bringing me down and making me so sad.
Glad I could vent. Sober, eating very healthy,(worked out a little bit today and read a good book) but very sad. I will climb my way out of this hole!!! Y'all help me though...they (whoever "they" are) say support is the best medicine! PJ Aren't you glad you asked??? More info than necessary, i know. I can babble with my fingertips, when I'm sad or happy. thanks again for writing.
You're right, you should concentrate on now and the future, your future most of all. I'll tell you from my past experience while sober for 12 years, I stayed away from people who drank too much, I stayed out of bars and certain partys. People were kind enough to ask if it was okay if they drank infront of me, well, I was so comfortable in my sobriety I would say to them, "No, it doesn't bother me, hell, I'll even pour your drink". No worries about venting, we're here to listen and help if we can, we're all in this together right?
wow, I have alot of experience with alzheimers; first with my spouse who suffered from it for 6 yrs or so; (very early onset) me being the primary caretaker. I stayed sober throughout, but it sure wasn't easy.
Now, my aunt (in her 80's) is suffering from it; she does live 250 miles away; I hear all about it though from my mom (also in her 80's) but of sound mind and good health.
Not an easy event to live with...stay strong and enjoy the cruise!
Yeah, it's not easy and the more I hear about someone else with this horrible, mean and unkind disease. Taking care of my mom is sad, it's like taking care of a two year old, I've never had kids but this has to be close. She's the third sister with this disease, two of her sisters have already died from it. I feel for you PJ
I feel for you. With mine (experience) of hubby, it was like watching a vibrant very young for his age, 60 year old man who worked out daily, turn into a child. I hadn't had children either, although had been around little ones (nephews), but it was the oddest experience; so gradual and troubling and very sad, as you see them slip away.
I had to fight with him (not literally) but figuratively speaking, every day on small issues...and taking over their banking and personal things were the worst....and the hiding of small items (wallets, keys, and less important things)...and finding them, and maintaining an even temperament throughout out it.
I do have to smile at a few of the moments. He seemed to think checking the oil in my car on a day to day basis was of prior importance. bless his heart. And washing the windshields! (I only lived 2 miles from work, so a long drive was not at stake here)....
If I happened to be running late and he insisted on checking the oil, (which I knew was full and clean), I'd get a tad irritated; One day he'd forgotten where the oil stick was after he checked it and was so afraid he'd dropped it in the engine somewhere....(he'd been a great guy with vehicles too...not me!) I searched for an hour under the hood for the oil stick....he had not dropped it...only placed it in the back of the vehicle...
Okay, I know this is the AA Site and here we are discussing alzheimers of our loved ones. It's such a tough and trying disease - on all concerned....I don't mean to make light of it in any way. Real tough if you're the caregivers and trying to remain strong and positive throughout...
I know exactly what you mean PJ, I posted the sobriety challenge becuse my nerves are shot and I don't want to drink because of my situation taking care of my parents. Keep smiling
I know about nerves being shot. well, not your nerves! we're all different. You are doing the best thing in your caregiving, and will always be proud of it. Who knows, perhaps she will get better and be with you longer Is she on a medication?
My aunt refused to take her medicine (arricept), but when we did get her to take it regularly, she improved tremendously! There's a newer one out....
Keep the sobriety! I've always found any kind of exercise, expecially outdoors, if nothing more than taking a walk or looking at your plants, helps so much to ward off those feelings of dispair and helplessness. (doncha hate know it alls who HAVE NOT walked in your shoes? You take care and thanks. I'm wishing for a night with sleep instead of depression and anxiety.
Yes, she's on medication along with the new patch but we think it's strength needs to be upgraded. She used to fight us tooth and nail about taking her meds but it's getting better. I hope and pray that all of us here in this forum and those out side of here have a wonderful night full of nice dreams without anxiety, fear or pain.
Both of you are strong today PJ and Geraldo. Why is that? Because you are extending one hand to another and back again the way AA works. Whether each of you relapsed is water under the bridge because you both helped each other and me stay sober today.
PJ, I can identify with your situation. At the end of a 7 year relationship with another alcoholic, I was done. I got plenty tired of hearing my mother was a bitch, that I didn't participate in life, that I could never make it on my own, that I couldn't do dishes right, couldn't do laundry right, couldn't cook right... All I would do was listen to him talk about himself and then get accused of not listening. When I tried to talk about me, I was told to call my best friend whom I work with or if I was trying to say I was sad, I was told to go take my psych meds. If I told him I wanted him to act different, he told me to stop going "therapist" on him and constantly gave me some jargon he picked up from alanon about how he was only concerned about doing for himself. In actuality, it is true that I let him turn me into a shell of a person and I was so unhappy that I retreated further and further into a bottle. I tried to get sober on my own and got about 4 months with no AA. In that time, he tried to commit suicide and I had to have him committed, he went on leave from his job (due to health problems connected to his drinking though he wouldn't admit it) and our finances got wrecked because he selfishly refused to go back to work and was drunk most of the time by the time I got home. And yes, there was 1 time I had a bottle taunted in my face with "haha I love to drink" when he knew what I was trying to do. Eventually, as a last ditch to save that relationship, I went out and started getting hammered again thinking I wasn't having any fun and that was how we always connected anyhow. What happened next was my drinking went from an every other day thing to a daily thing, and in the time I was "dry" I guess I had realized I was done with him. So...I went out to bars and acted all sleazy picking up new guys and acting slutty in public hoping he would find out and dump me (insanity yes). He did find out and still didn't want to break up. I wound up crashing my car drunk on the way home from one of those bars after a particularly seedy night. When I woke up to my totaled car I knew I was done. It was too painful and too crazy to continue on in that relationship. I left with 2 grocery bags of clothes and did not look back. I went to my first AA meeting a day later and am at close to 7 month sober now. With a little bit more clarity, my anger towards my ex has dissipated a bit, and I know that I was the one that allowed myself to get treated that way (also I was not always the victim...I did do some pretty awful crap like cheating for example). Anyhow, I'm still left with large codependency issues and I did start a new relationship with 2 months sober. Everyone told me not to, including people on this site. In retrospect, I understand why and I don't know if this relationship will work out. It was the only coping skill I had at the time and it was all I knew how to do to remain somewhat functional (be in a relationship). Nonetheless, I have kept going to meetings and stayed involved in AA pretty intently and that is something nobody can take away from me...just like the sobriety time I have accrued. I might have grown faster if I had the courage to stay completely single for longer, but I did what I knew how to do with the skills I had. My biggest fear is still of being alone. I am now at the point where I can "tolerate" being in my appartment on my own, but I still don't enjoy it and don't know how to have fun by myself. Either way, it's going to be okay because I keep coming back. I do have a safety net in AA and, if the shit hits the fan in this relationship, I'll deal with it because what I came from was certainly a lot worse (plus right now the relationship is good, it just hits periods where I know now I wasn't and am not in the best head space for it due to needing to build my own self-esteem up more and developing a stronger individual identity). So, with that said, don't let yourself get treated like crap. The thought of being alone kept me drunk and miserable for a long time. I know I'm not doing this perfectly, but I'm doing it the best I can and taking it a day at a time. I haven't shared much on this subject because I am kind of ashamed of it (busting that "no dating in the first year rule"). It is the one area in which I didn't or couldn't take the suggestions of my sponsor and other people with time. Nonetheless, it is progress and not perfection. Thanks for letting me vent too :) lol.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi PinkChip, thank you for taking the time to share, I read every word and I'll say this, I'm only a couple of months sober but if I met the right woman, I would date right now. I haven't been on a date or involved with a woman for three lonely years but that's mainly due to my drinking, I don't think anyone would have wanted to be with me while I was like that. PS, I like your nickname.
That is an amazing story...thanks for venting it. I see myself in many places in it; so can really identify! Beautifully told and so honest.
Almost every man I've had a close relationship with were alcoholics, looking back, I see the trend.
I made the fatal error (didn't seem like a mistake at the time), to take a job at a fairly decent restaurant/bar when the art gallery at which I'd worked for years, closed its doors.
I thought it would be a short term "fun" job with lots of people I knew hanging out. A "temporary" assignment. ha. Bartending was "great", or so I thought. I made decent money, enjoyed my job and the socializing, and could drink every day. Most of the time "for free".
The hook was placed. Wish I'd known then what I know now.
My biggest problem now, is the anxiety that makes me want a drink...then taking that first drink again brings on much anxiety when I really want to put it down.
I've read lots (but not enough), and have heard that the delirium tremors one suffers can be deadly, if not under a doctor's control. This always concerned me, so continuing to drink kept the dt's away!
Yeah PJ...we are definitely cut from the same mold. I have been diagnosed up and down with anxiety...had panic attacks etcetera... Of course, I have always taken meds from a psychiatrist for this, but somehow thought alcohol was a really good med too. The insanity of combining psych meds with alcohol was even worse. When I drank, I also would not take my klonopin as prescribed and was headed towards an Anna Nicole death probably had I not stopped. My anxiety is getting better these days though. AA does give coping skills and a network that I did not have before. I do catch myself saying "I can worry about that later" or "I'll save this topic for when I talk to my sponsor" or "I'll share this in a meeting tonight but not worry about it now" or I lay back and pray/meditate, call someone from the rooms, even write about it here. Anything is better than drinking it away because I don't grow and don't learn to truly solve problems when I continue under the delusion that taking the edge off my anxiety is okay to do with alcohol. I do still take meds for anxiety but have actually been weaning off and taking less and less. I NEVER take more than prescribed now because that would be a relapse to me, even though it's not drinking. Also, I used to explain that my hands shaking was "an inborn tremor" and my doctor actually validated that (before I was honest about my drinking). I never had DTs and I honestly never thought my hand shaking would go away. For the most part, it has and that took about 5 or 6 months before I noticed it was better (it was a combo of alcohol, coffee, cigarrettes, and anxiety)...but alcohol mostly.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm not taking any medications but can I relate to the DT's, while I was employed, I would shake so much I couldn't write and one day a co-worker asked me if I was okay, he noticed my hands shaking terribly, I told him it was low blood sugar, I don't know if he bought that or not.
Yes, that shakey hands is what I've experienced. Hard to sign a card or write a legible check...Unfortunately, I soon discovered that a drink would make it go away! A vicious circle for sure!
I do know that a fews days of sobriety, eating well, and lots of fluids (non alcoholic, haha), do make mine go away and I'm as steady as when I did lots of drafting (on a real drawing board with a t-square!) Man, does that date me!
Embarrassing is putting it mildly.
On the other hand, my 82 year old mother's hands shake lots (mainly when she's anxious or rushed or in an uncomfortable situation) and she NEVER drank in her life...she takes some kind of pill that controls it to some degree, but she doesn't take the pill on a regular basis. It embarrasses her too.
Thanks for sharing. I do take an anxiety pill (paroxitine) and I've read that one of it's side effects is "excessive drinking or more of a desire to drink"! Never had a doctor confirm that though...Some swear that there is no side effects or down side to stopping the drug; others say be prepared for a long rough ride, and plan to be quiet with nothing one has do. (like when would that be?) I've stopped it totally for a few days, and the thing I'e noticed is a rattling feeling in my brain, or like coarse sand swishing back and forth. Not painful, but quite annoying! Wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like that? I'd like to be totally drug/pill free/ alcohol free always. I know I should talk to my doctor about the pill thing; seems she's in/out so fast and I'm so ready to be done, dressed,gone that it slips my mind.
Meanwhile, doing well, and feeling calm even though my world is crumbling quickly (selling house maybe, getting divorce maybe). It's a trying time to also remain totally sober.
-- Edited by PJ Tucker on Tuesday 21st of April 2009 02:45:15 PM
Hi PJ, I agree, you should talk to your Dr. about the medication and it's side affects, maybe he/she can prescribe something else. I know what you mean, the shakes, when I had them I was so embarrassed, I hated writing or pointing things out, get this, I used to work on complex and intriquite instruments, boy was that a challenge! Hang in there PJ, don't give up okay? if you sell the house, it's going to be okay, if you divorce, that will be okay in time too.
thanks, Jerry! Between the economic woes, this "president", doctor appointments (for routine matters), dentist appointments (for routine matters), vet appointments ditto), and trying to make a living, it would be easy to throw in the towel. I'll keep the faith in more ways than one.
Oh, you're kind; I know everyone has a full plate; at times we all feel overwhelmed, and I know there's other ways to deal with stress. I need to stick to the rules and not take the "easy" NOT! way out which always ends in more stress, anxiety, or worse!
Thanks for replying! I don't believe I was ever an angry drunk. I thought I was fun, funny, thoughtful, energetic....(ha ha). 
wow, I have alot of experience with alzheimers; first with my spouse who suffered from it for 6 yrs or so; (very early onset) me being the primary caretaker. I stayed sober throughout, but it sure wasn't easy. 
), do make mine go away and I'm as steady as when I did lots of drafting (on a real drawing board with a t-square!) Man, does that date me!