Minimizing

Tipsy McStagger · Senior Member

Minimizing

toni baloney · Senior Member

Hi Tipsy,

Its been awhile since I've been around here. But to answer that question, well for myself, I recall in great detail, the incomprehensible demoralization of my last drunk.
Have always heard and do believe, if we do not Remember our past, we are Doomed to repeat it. That one really stuck with me. After 10 years of yoyoing back and fourth, in and out of the rooms of AA, something happened, oh yeah, now i remember, i was looking right at Deaths Door, I looked 6 months pregnant, bright yellow eyes from a liver that was on its way out, and I began to sit and listen.
For some of us, it just takes longer than others, that was where this desease took me, and also recall being so tightly clinched in the grip of Alcohol.

That was my story, and on September 12th of this years, by the Grace of God, I will be celebrating my 19th year of continueous SOBRIETY. I capatolized that word for me, cause it amazes me still that someone such as myself could really ever not drink.

So good to see you, and I have popped in on occasions, and all really enjoyed all your posts, especially the one about the Resentments, that one was priceless to me.

Thanks for all that you write my friend.
Toni

learning · MIP Old Timer

Tipsy,
It makes no difference whether one drinks or not, I can think of no one who hasn't had a memory or two that stands out.....(referring to bad ones here). These are from our PAST.
We have lived through those times already and from them we have learned lessons and more than likely we HAVE matured and grown out of those experiences in some way.
Being 'haunted' by some particular event (or events) may be an inner nudging that
amends to the best of one's ability hasn't be undertaken. At least from my own personal experience this has been the case. It is when I've invested the time to do so, those feelings of guilt have dissipated. You may want to think about reviewing the amends step, work through it, ......... and then 'let it go'.
EVERYONE has a PAST. NO ONE is PERFECT!!!! If we realize what we did or said that was wrong, correct ourselves and try in all earnest to not repeat the mistake....we have then
grown and matured.
Tips, you have come a long way.... you are sober. Keep working those steps and in time
whatever the past was, eventually will stay in the past and those feelings will to with it.
Wanda

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

TM....just noticed your birthdate...belly button or program?

For me minimizing is the Niagra Falls on the river of Denial. I minimized and so did
my family. To them I was not alcoholic..."You can drink sooo much and sooo long".
A couple of toxic shocks and a skin tan that looked like I was continuously sea sick
were only the outside manifistations that I had something weird going on in my
life. That I arrived at the point that I sustained hangovers at the start of a run
and not after were further indications of a problem. I didn't arrive at a real
assessment of my problems with alcohol until I was 9 years without a drink and
in the Al-Anon Family Groups...That I had a habit of dating and marrying addicted
women was....gosh another indication of the problem. It took a loving HP, sponsor
and a whole population of honest recoverying members in both programs before
I arrived at ooooh gosh! What the hell would have happened if I had picked up
a drink during that nine years is no longer a guess. When I stopped drinking it
was just me, the bottle, hold the ice and water and a glass only if I had the
patience and willingness to go get one. It wasn't necessary.

Stay out of the canoe and up stream.

Keep coming back smile

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

I've only grown up & matured because I am sober. It certainly wasn't happening while I drank. I also feel any ignorant pleasure I could have taken out of a drink these days is now ruined knowing what I know now through the Big Book & the rooms of A.A. about Alcoholism. There is nowhere to hide in alcohol for me & another part of what is keeping me sober today besides gratitude to my HP & love for fellowship & its support is the fact that I know to take a drink for me would lead to the crippling disappointment that alcohol has truly no appeal for me any more so I may as well keep what good memories I thought I had from it along with the knowing how much destruction it ultimately caused me & that if I took a drink & found it not even touching me with that sense of ease & comfort I once imagined I'd be so gutted to have absolutely no escape from this life but death that I might actually be a step closer to my own desperate suicide (on a bad day) I'm not joking.

I can still have crazy upset thoughts of despair when I'm off the program & only acceptance & a thorough step 10 along with 3,7,9,11 etc helps bring me serenity or peace again. So, in answer to your question. I do not ever want to experience a worse Day1 than I already have. I'm lucky to be sober today for even as much as this long. I know the longer I stay away from that last drink & work my program, the more chance I have living the life I want. Have you done your fearless & thorough Steps 4 & 5 yet, Mister Mc? Lovely to see you still sober today. You do bring me a lot of hope that if you can do it, so can I. During my initial rock bottom I remember saying to my then partner 'it could have been worse' & the two of us bursting out in laughter at the irony of it absolutely not having to be just to prove a point & be able to say 'enough' It is enough & I never want to go back there again or anywhere remotely similar so for me, the best way of insuring against this is to stay away from that first drink & work the program. Trust in God, clean house & help others.

I'm glad you're here & love what you have to contribute. Keep coming back & sharing how you are. You've shown great insight here into yourself & shared it which is great & has no doubt helped others as well as me. Thanks, Danielle x

Ps. Today's Daily Reflection & 24hrs is dedicated to you :)

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Sunday 12th of April 2009 07:18:06 PM

Dave Harm · Senior Member

For me, I feel blessed and cursed at the same time. You see, my last drunk is still very fresh in my mind. It's like it happened yesterday. There is no way I can minimize it. It was bad.

This is part of my curse. At times, I wish it wasn't right out in front of me. But I also consider it a blessing. Because I once threw away five and a half years sobriety because I was able to minimize my problem. I convince myself that it wasn't really that bad. My alcoholic mind played games with me and it won.

By the Grace of God, like Toni, I will celebrate my birthday in September. For me it will be 15 years. And this time, I believe, it has stuck because, not only could I admit to being an alcoholic, but now I can accept it.

And that last drunk has proven to me that one drink is to many...

Dodsworth · Senior Member

Tipsy- That is my #1 problem as well. I am 26 years old and while I believe (now that I have a little perspective) that I drank like an alcoholic for probably about 13 years (drinking vodka shots by myself as a freshman in highschool), my drinking didn't completely take over my life until these last 12 months...The first time I got sober was last July, and out of rehab I thought that I had only gone through a rough patch (about 3 months of daily drinking), so I got drunk and then pretty much stayed drunk for 6 more months. My last drunk was Feb.10 and the last week or so I have been really craving the drink, telling myself that I'm too young and that what transpired in those last 6 months of drinking was just something to do with my depression/anxiety. I'm pissed off at the moment because I'm trying to hang onto the desperation and gratitude that has gotten me to this 60th day, so I'm not sure I have a good answer for you except what the others have said: remember the last drunk for what it really was and try and look past that initial pleasant feeling of the first few drinks, cause we almost never have a few and are satisfied, right?

CAM · Senior Member

There's another saying about "throwing" it all away instead of saying we "lost" it.

I threw away my good life w/my family. I threw away my good home, etc.

I own it. I have HUGE regrets, but it's in the past. I can't do anything now.

what matters is what you do today. you can't change the past but i'll be damned if i treat myself like that again :)

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

TM, all that changed when I completed my 4th and 5th steps. I no longer had to feel guilty and shameful about what I did when I was drinking. I began to see the patterns in my behavior and could catch myself.
Funny thing was that I was in the most denial about victimizing myself, which often lead drinking or to the above behaviors through retaliation etc...

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Good post for me to read. After 6 months, I am starting to do this and it's ridiculous. I am glad I kept one of the shards of headlight plastic from the car that I totaled drunk on the way home from the bar as a reminder. Not to mention, how I could forget all those times stumbling around, hurting myself, passing out, waking up naked on the floor (yeah not even with someone good looking...but in my house by myself wtf?), broken lamps, broken towel rack, broken shower, broken screen door, no friends, even bartenders getting annoyed with me, driving home covering one eye to see the road, several times clutching pills saying I would kill myself, scrounging around the house at 4 am looking for any product that might have alcohol or get me more messed up, driving to work still drunk from the night before, constant open containers in the car, worrying about getting pulled over, drinking and driving, drinking while driving, sleeping at work, dry heaves almost every morning, swollen stomach, constant on and off pressure pain in my bladder...yeah no DUI, no detox...but those things ought to be enough. I can't believe I start to forget that shit. It was awful, what part a me thinks it would be any different this time? geez. But I do think that way and I know it's just me being dumb and like everyone says alcoholism is powerful, cunning, and baffling. Typically, I just look at my current coffee drinking and smoking patterns to know what an addict I am. If I wasn't, why would these other things have increased so much with alcohol gone?

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

pinkchip you forgot the aweful mess in the kitchen from that late night toxic concoction that you cooked in a blackout.

lani · MIP Old Timer

I too can romanticize the drink and think...I wasnt that bad or I could probably control my drinking again...Did that off and on for years!!! But..I do see and believe we really start right back to where we ended!!! Sucks right!!
But, by going to meetings, hearing others stories and working the steps as is required for me...I see that my days of drunkenness are WAY OVER!!!

Ive shared before that the hard part is really beginning for me....Im starting to see what a crazed fool I was and still can be...Painful but I know by the grace of my HP I can make it through and only get better from here on out!!

CAM · Senior Member

that's funny, I once cooked a meatloaf w/o the meat - started eating it and wondering why it was so dry? disbelief those days are gone for me.

one day at a time.......altho, I still mess up my meatloaf....haven't forgot adding the meat since then.....lol

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Cam, I used to wake up and find the kitchen looked like a war zone with stuff slopped all over the floors and stove counters, stuff burnt on the stove and in pots where I went in the LR and feel asleep while stuff was cooking. I was like "WOW" the next morning

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Hahaha that is true. I did forget that. My alcoholic partner was worse about that though. We lived in complete and utter filth...yet another thing to remember.

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Hey Tipper..:)

Just keep trying and don't die Bud.

lucaskywalker · Member

THANK YOU for posting this, Tipsy. I needed to see that I'm not the only one fighting this right now.

This is a really great thread for me to read today. I don't understand how my fantastic forgetter works...sometimes I need people to remind me. I have at least one old friend I stay in touch with who reminds me of some of the specifics when I start to minimize them. How could I forget wrecking my car? Losing friends? Losing a job, moving home with the parents, flunking out of school? The physical sickness, and finally the complete isolation? How is it that I am ever, EVER capable of convincing myself that this time, I will control the disease? But I do forget, minimize, and rationalize. Where they say "cunning, baffling, powerful..." they arent kidding.
Believing that I can lie about a relapse is another way of believing that I can control it enough to hide it...I've fallen for that one a couple of times, but when you are an alcoholic you can't hide it for long, especially when your disease has progressed to the point that most of ours presumably has.

I pray my little ass off when I think my willpower is so low that I can't even avoid the first drink. Sometimes its all I can do :/