OK, I made it to another meeting. I still couln't find the courage to say anything. I'm scared about tonight, my wife and I are seeing a counsler, I have no idea what to expect. Will she open up and allow the healing to begin, or will she just say she wants out??? Either way I will face it sober. Today is my 40th day, I probally shouldn't count the days, I should just finish this one and then tomorrow.
This has been so hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for her too. We have both messed up so bad. I pray we can make it through this. Aleast she said she would go with me to talk to a counsler, even though she doesn't want to.
I go back to work Monday. Lunch without a drink?? I can't go to lunch with the people I used to, maybe I just bring my lunch and eat in the office. The hour drive home without a drink, I used to get my first 6 pack down in that hour. I'll fill up with gas on the way TO work, I won't have to stop on the way home. The roads are a little safer now!
For the last month or so, I've been doing these things to avoid the drinking. I went to the store yesterday to get my wife some juice. As I walked past the beer cooler, I couldn't help but think "My God, Budweiser is going to need a bailout now, Mark isn't drinking!" The clerk at the store looked at me funny, I think it was the first time I went in there and didn't buy alcohol.
I'm feeling alot better now, I know I have hard times ahead, but I atleast have some hope at this point. Thank you for all your help. It means alot, it saved my life.
I go back to work Monday. Lunch without a drink?? I can't go to lunch with the people I used to, maybe I just bring my lunch and eat in the office. The hour drive home without a drink, I used to get my first 6 pack down in that hour. I'll fill up with gas on the way TO work, I won't have to stop on the way home. The roads are a little safer now!
I'm feeling alot better now, I know I have hard times ahead, but I atleast have some hope at this point. Thank you for all your help. It means alot, it saved my life.
Mark
Hey Mark, congrats on 40 days. For me, when I was drinking, that would be 10 years worth of days that I missed drinking, usually because I was deathly ill. Don't sweat the counseling, it is what is and ill be what it's supposed to be. I think that most painful thing in the world is to want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Not saying that this is the case, but if it is, it's best to accept it as quickly as possible. Acceptance will happen sooner or later, might as make it sooner and avoid pain.
I usually just say something like "Oh well, next...".
I was a beer drinker (budweiser lost of business when I quit also ) the last 10 years of my drinking and began right after work like most good construction workers do. It was during that time that I wanted a drink, so I went to 5:30pm meetings after work everyday instead. Those a great meetings and are full of good sobriety. If you work in the city, it's also a way to kill time till the traffic calms down.
Now that you're feeling better, it's time to become more vigilant as it's easy to get to feeling so good that we begin to think that maybe we don't have a drinking problem after all. We let our guard down and our disease is wanting for the opportunity. That's why daily meetings are recommended in the first 90 days when we are most at risk to pick up.
Counting days is a good thing Mark. You racked up 40 days sober...that's freakin awesome. In the beginning I found counting days was helpful because every day you show up to another meeting sober, that number has grown and your fellows are rooting for you and happy to hear it. 192 days here and each one has been a gift (even when it was hard as hell). You need to open up and share at meetings in my opinion though. It's the same as going to your counselor and you and your wife sitting there silently. Yes, you have a lot to learn from others in AA, but you need to make your presence known and to "claim your seat." In fact a good share if you don't want to open up that much is "I'm Mark, I'm an Alcoholic, I have 41 days sober and I am here to claim my seat." It was hard work for you to go to your first meetings. A large part of step 1 was done when you did that. Speak up, go to more meetings, and also it would not hurt to say you are looking for a sponsor. Just my opinion.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
OK, I made it to another meeting. I still couln't find the courage to say anything. I'm scared about tonight, my wife and I are seeing a counsler, I have no idea what to expect. Will she open up and allow the healing to begin, or will she just say she wants out??? Either way I will face it sober. Today is my 40th day, I probally shouldn't count the days, I should just finish this one and then tomorrow.
This has been so hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for her too. We have both messed up so bad. I pray we can make it through this. Aleast she said she would go with me to talk to a counsler, even though she doesn't want to.
I go back to work Monday. Lunch without a drink?? I can't go to lunch with the people I used to, maybe I just bring my lunch and eat in the office. The hour drive home without a drink, I used to get my first 6 pack down in that hour. I'll fill up with gas on the way TO work, I won't have to stop on the way home. The roads are a little safer now!
For the last month or so, I've been doing these things to avoid the drinking. I went to the store yesterday to get my wife some juice. As I walked past the beer cooler, I couldn't help but think "My God, Budweiser is going to need a bailout now, Mark isn't drinking!" The clerk at the store looked at me funny, I think it was the first time I went in there and didn't buy alcohol.
I'm feeling alot better now, I know I have hard times ahead, but I atleast have some hope at this point. Thank you for all your help. It means alot, it saved my life.
Mark
Eyup Mark, I'm reading some good things in your post - 40 days sober is one of them, well done, keep coming back, stick around until the miracle happens, so far it's worked for me. other good things I read in your post are things like already changing routines, like taking a packed lunch instead of going to lunch with the old crowd, filling the car on the way to work rather than after and picking up a six pack at the same time. These changes of routine are necessary and good.
Your drinking buddies won't be chasing you to find out how you are and where you are, but you try missing a meeting!
So far as the counselling goes, you don't know what to expect, but it will be better than you fear and probably worse than you hope.
Remember, you are a walking miracle in progress. Eventually the default position will change from here's a whatever, let's get drunk and hide, to here's a whatever, let's NOT get drunk and hide.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I thought I was doing better. We saw the counsler, now I'm so confussed. Wife says she wants ALL of us to be together, but we get home and nothing but silence. She agreed to go back next week. Thing are so much harder when you take away your crutch.
I thought I was doing better. We saw the counsler, now I'm so confussed. Wife says she wants ALL of us to be together, but we get home and nothing but silence. She agreed to go back next week. Thing are so much harder when you take away your crutch.
I am reading Marriagebuilders.com as I have time. I just keep hearing the worsd my wife said "too little, too late." Then I'm encouraged by the fact we are still in the same house, same bed, and she did go with me to talk to the counsler. Ever since I found out about what she was doing (Monday) She has stayed in bed, "sick." I know she isn't feeling well and is in pain, but I also feel she is doing this to stay away from me. I am so confused. I can't stop shaking, I'm not sure why I'm shaking so much. With the depression, the problems in my marriage, and not drinking, I'm making myself crazy!!
Why can't all this confussion just end. I know what I want, and I know what I need, Why can't things work out without all the pain and drama??
My experience was that the frustrations and confusion of early recovery, though painful, were one hundred percent normal for the circumstances. Though I empathize with your current situation, I would be much more worried if you *weren't* feeling frustrated and confused. That wouldn't be normal for the situation.
It was my experience that I could not have those loved ones who were hurt by my alcoholism get better on *my* schedule, that they had to bring themselves along at their own speed, by their own works, and that it often takes longer for them to rebuild broken trust in me than it did to establish trust in the first place.
It was also my experience that as long as I could hold on and not drink for a given day, and as long as I continued to string sober days together one by one, things got better. Sometimes slowly, sometimes by leaps and bounds, but things got better.
Hold on, day by day, hour by hour if necessary, and have faith that your hopes for eventual peace and serenity are warranted and will come to be.
-- Edited by Wiley on Friday 10th of April 2009 12:45:19 PM
I know there is alot of healing that needs to happed, and it will take time. Not knowing if we will survive as a family is what is so hard. We have times that seem ok, but then times that I don't feel like I belong here. Would my wife be happier if I were gone?? That is what I keep asking myself. It's killing me , not knowing what is going on with her. It's so hard to focus on me, The only thing I can control.
hey Mark, you're thinking way too much, and projecting about the future. do a gratitude list: Today I have a body and brain that work- check, a roof over my head- check, food to eat- check, clothes to wear- check, a job to go to- check, a car to get me there- check, people who care about me- check, I'm 40 days sober- scheck, I'm going to AA meetings- check.... So what's the problem . Tell the committee in your head to stfu and then go to a meeting.
You're wife not feeling good shouldn't have an bearing on how you feel. You're not siamese twins you know. She has the right to feel crappy about her part in this, and has to sort it out. Give her some time for that. Sounds like she's having an inner conflict, as part of her wants to work it out. Give her some space and act as if nothings wrong by going about your business getting sober, working, going to meetings, interacting with the kids... If you get to a meeting every night, this stuff will seem less like a problem and more like something that's going to work out in your favor one way or the other.
I thought I was doing better. We saw the counsler, now I'm so confussed. Wife says she wants ALL of us to be together, but we get home and nothing but silence. She agreed to go back next week. Thing are so much harder when you take away your crutch.
Eyup Mark. So she didn't say she wants out then? what'd I say, better than feared, but then you get home and silence - worse than hoped, agrees to go back next week, better than feared - things are harder when you take away the crutch - worse than hoped. But then again, you recognise it's a crutch (and a pretty damn shakey one at that.) so that's positive.
as others have said, keep doing what you are doing, go to meetings, interact with your family, don't take the first drink, do the gratitude list, say the serenity prayer.
try not to project, get through this hour, try not to expect, change the one thing you can - You! let others change as and when they will, in their own time.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Sounds like you've had a rough go lately. I won't minimize it but can say that it CAN get better. Can you look in the mirror and give that guy reasons why you can't be happy, in time, with a bit of work? nuff said. You've gotten some really good, solid, sage suggestions from this board for sure and you're higher power within is processing it all. Let go a bit and let it work for you. Might seem like a leap of faith...it is indeed. Just because you can't see the safety net, doesn't mean it doesn't exist! It's like that game we used to play, where you fall back and get caught by your friend. I never hit the ground......
peace brother.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I alway considered my family as my saftey net. Now I'm afraid I'm going to hit the ground...HARD. I'm still trying. Today is my 39th b-day. The first birthday without a drink that I can remember. I'm not sure why, but drinking doesn't appeal to me right now. I'm so consumed by the family situation, I don't have time for it. I do worry, however, when this is resolved what will happen??
I'm just trying to take 1 day at a time, and deal with things that are under MY control...that's the hard part for me.
I alway considered my family as my saftey net. Now I'm afraid I'm going to hit the ground...HARD. I'm still trying.
I guess it was a lot easier for me with my family splitting up at the beginning of my sobriety and finding myself alone. It was sink or swim time and the obvious thing for me to do was make AA my "safety net". I would encourage you to do the same, while trying to work out the issues with your family, as certainly they've got their own burdens to bear. The two are not mutually exclusive, and the former will prepare you for either outcomes of the later.
As alcoholics, we make a habit of unloading responsibility for our own welfare on others to make room for daily oblivion. This is a misuse of the favor of our friends and the unity of our family, and it breeds resentment, rebellion, and abandonment. The book says that we place to much of our reliance on people and that sooner or later people Will fail us (end of reference). We have to learn to stand on our own two feet and take care of our responsibilities emotionally, physically, and financially. We take the "things that we can not change" to our higher power and our other difficulties and discuss them with our groups and sponsor to gain wisdom on how to find solutions. Sometimes the answer is "get busy and work" and other times it's "wait and see", or "this too shall pass". How are the meetings going?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 11th of April 2009 06:17:49 PM
I've only been to a few, They are still uncomfortable. There ia a meeting at a church I'm thinking about going to. It isn't AA, but focuses more on the "God" side of addictions. I'll still go to the AA meetings, but I'm curious what the others have to say.
They work alot with the children also. My family needs the support also. Just wanting to see what all is out there to help us.
-- Edited by MDC on Saturday 11th of April 2009 06:27:18 PM
Nothing wrong with that. We can use all the help that we can get. Mark here's a suggestion. why don't you call AA and ask for someone to take you (or meet you and go) to a meeting with them so that they can introduce you to some people. This will give you a head start since, like most of us, you are finding it difficult to meet people at the meetings and thus feel unconnected. I know that feeling, I floundered for awhile and it cost me a number of relapses. We want you to succeed how we did or where we failed. And when We failed, it was our failure to get involved and work the program of AA. AA didn't fail us. It was there, there were people who were willing to help us, we just never made the connection. But somehow we felt that "AA didn't work for us". Thankfully I "kept coming back".
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 11th of April 2009 06:35:20 PM
I know for me I wanted everything to change and be perfect the first day I quit drinking. Today, life is good but it still has its rocky edges. Things will get better but it all takes time. Think about how long you were using and what we did to our families. It will only take time for things to get better and we do need to prove ourselves. Just because we think we have changed...look, I quit drinking, Im so much better!!! This doesnt mean alot to our family until we have proven ourselves trustworthy again and really work on ourselves. We cant change anyone but ourselves and before you know it the ones around you will see and feel and TRUST the changes we have made.
Good luck, hang in there!
Meet some folks and you will be sure to find people that are going through the same things as you. It helped me to know Im not alone!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
You are doing great! Another suggestion about how to feel more a part of the AA meetings: Get to the meeting early and ask if you can help set up: chairs, setting up cream/sugar for coffee, etc. You'll be amazed how even a little involvement, even if you still don't say anything at the meeting, will start to make you more and more comfortable. Most of all, Keep Coming Back! It will get better and better.
) the last 10 years of my drinking and began right after work like most good construction workers do. It was during that time that I wanted a drink, so I went to 5:30pm meetings after work everyday instead. Those a great meetings and are full of good sobriety. If you work in the city, it's also a way to kill time till the traffic calms down.
