Prayers and support

MDC · Senior Member

Prayers and support

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Mark,
you've got to get back to work. take it step by step. lay your clothes out the night before. make yourself eat, take some naps and get some rest. set your alarm and get in the shower or whatever you do to get ready. Eating, sleeping, and working (staying sober) and getting to meetings are what's important right now.
Just Do It! If I can do it, you do it. I quit drinking, drugging, smoking, and being married and living with my son, all in the same week and only missed a couple days. I felt better once I got back to work because it took my mind off my problems. You don't want to lose your job in this economy. You want to talk about low self esteem. Get busy, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I mean that in a positive way buddy, saddle up! Man up! or whatever it is you'all say in those parts.

Dean

MDC · Senior Member

There is only 1 more work day this week. I can sell a week of vacation back to help with the bills. I know I need to get out. They have noon meetings here, I think I might try that. Maybe force myself up in the morning and go fishing. I'm making Easter eggs now. I've completely lost intrest in the things I used to enjoy. My wife reluctantly agreed to go with me to a marriage counsler. I've been to my regular dactor, he has given me an anitdepressant.

I'm just forcing myself to do things in the hopes, I'll start to enjoy them again.

"Warning: antidepressants may increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or actions." What the hell is that?? I thought they were supposed to help avoid that.

I am trying to get back in life, I just don't have the desire. You are right Dean, time to man up. I guess I just need a kick in the ass every now and then.

OHAAT · Member

MDC, I'm not a Doctor obviously, but have been on anti depressants for quite a while. All I can do is tell you my experience with them (I know this is an aa site, and long ago when I came to this program and didn't stay people were so against taking them, I hope that is still not the case, they saved my life).
Definitely talk to your dr if you have concerns about that warning on the label so he can explain it to you. The way it was explained to me is that it is one of those things they have to put on there just like those ads on tv where you hear them listing every possible thing that could go wrong? I'm sure it has happened to people before, but probably a minority (mine says this can happen especially in those under 18??).
In any case, if you have those feelings again CALL YOUR DOCTOR right away. Also, I have always been told that it can take 4-6 weeks for the anti-depressant to build up in your system enough to notice anything, so be patient. Some anti-depressants work well for one person and not another, in my case I've had to switch a few times to find the right one. AGAIN, I'm not a DR., just a fellow aa'er who has gone thru this and am telling you only my experience. Please check everything I say with your Dr!!
It sounds like you are doing the right things tho, getting to Dr, reaching out here, I hope you are going to meetings and pls find a sponsor. Because the anti-depressants helped me get out of bed to get to the meetings, but it is definitely the people and rooms of AA (and God) who are saving my life. I tried anti-depressants without AA. It didn't work. Hang in there and take good care of you. Karin

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Mark...Been there and done that and what worked for me was to have
the membership to lean on and direct me. Since you are not knowing how to
handle this and are fearful of the cave in try following thru on the suggestions
given by the fellowship. The fellowship has been where you are at to some
degree at some time or another. They obviously have come thru it so they have
the experience on that. Trying to do this on your own won't work because you
do not have the experience at this time to get yourself out. Trust God and
others and follow directions. You have described a portion of my journey very
well and I know if it wasn't for the program I would not have come thru it alone.
The major miracle I needed was the fellowship. I know what hopelessness felt
like. Thank God I wasn't helpless.

Prayers always. Jerry

MDC · Senior Member

Thanks, The warning just really bothered me, just a couple of days ago, I was ready to kill myself. It was a very real option for me. It's not just the drinking that I'm dealing with, it's also the loss of my family. I know alot of you have been there. I don't want to go back, I'm not that far from there now. I'm tring to focus on myself and my recovery, but I'm making myself crazy thinking of what all might happen with my family.

When I learded of my wife's affair, and confronted her, she wanted me to say I hated her. I couldn't. I think it would be easier if I could just not care, or hate her. I know, focus on what I have control over, I don't have control of other people. So easy to say, so hard to live it.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Mark, your Honesty, Openmindedness & Willingness is seeing you through right now. It's so good to be here & travelling with you. You are not alone. Well Done in getting to your first meeting. Keep them up regularly, everyday. They'll give you something to look forward to & give you a spiritual injection of hope & energy. Keep up the good work. Don't worry about what will happen for you & your family in the future. It is all in the care of & will be taken care of 1Day@aTime as each new day comes. Concentrate on what you can do Today & like Dean said, laying out your clothes & what you need for the next day will help you when you wake up into each new day.

We live 24hrs@aTime, an Hour@aTime if need be. Look after your health & remember to HALT whenever you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. It's important for you to take care of these needs as they arise. Keep it Simple right now & remember First Things First which means looking after you Today, then you can be in a good condition for what you're able to give to your family after taking care of you first. A prayer that is as helpful to me now as it was in my early sobriety is the Serenity Prayer. Learn it & use it. It will help you when you feel your stress levels rising. Picking up the phone & speaking to another alcoholic at these times will help too. That's why we give you our numbers. So that you will call. Helping you helps us.

"God, Grant Me The Serenity
To Accept The Things I Cannot Change
Courage To Change The Things I Can &
The Wisdom To Know The Difference"

God's delays aren't God's denials. Have patience & do whatever it takes to stay sober. There are wonderful things in store for you. More will be revealed :) God bless, Danielle x

Doll · MIP Old Timer

MDC wrote:

I know, focus on what I have control over, I don't have control of other people. So easy to say, so hard to live it.

You know what? You ARE focusing & you are beginning to live it. Action FOLLOWS thought - take a look back at what you wrote. You're doing a lotta thinking and you've 'caught on' quick for someone with so little sober time and little to no meetings.

Woo Hoo! Believe it or not, you're all ready doing it, man! Now, just get up off your pity pot and get your ass back to work. Give your self and family something to be proud of.

Yep! Some antidepressents make some people worse. But, you will know in a very short period of time if they are not for you. They're called SSRI's and a lot of people can't take them (maybe they're allergic?!). I can't take Valium or Effexor, makes me feel like I'm in a black cloud! But I've been on a low dose of Prozac for a f3 months now (actually prescribed for chronic pain not depression) and it's helped tremendously.

Keep trying new stuff until you find what works for you. Whether it be meds, meetings, eating, whatever. Like Dean said "JUST DO IT"

If I can go through all that I've been through and stay sober, any body can do it.

Prayers going up....

(((hug)))

Jen

learning · MIP Old Timer

Mark,
Again....I'm going to be very blunt with you. I trully believe that alot of the "Hell" in our lives we have created by our own doing. We, as humans, have the ability to make choices.
The alcoholic MAKES the choice to drink. The alcoholic did not start out to become addicted to alcohol, however, he/she did make the CHOICE to drink that first drink for whatever reason. In this day and age there are tons of literature, studies, statistics ect that
warn the masses of the damage drinking can do. Yet thousands upon thousands continue to
CHOOSE to drink. Over time......well......lets face it...... there is this little voice inside that keeps saying.... "this isn't all it's cracked up to be..... life is no longer fun....... not feeling right......." ect, ect. And like you have there begins self questioning and self realization that
by CHOICE there has been created a self HELL.
There is a choice.....quit or keep going down the path drinking. CHOICE is the key!!!!
You made the choice to quit drinking to seek help as to how to keep sober...... You are conquering this demon each day you don't drink.
Guess what........it is basically the same CHOICE you can make for yourself in regards to your feelings of depression. You can either CHOOSE to lay in that bed or get up and be proactive. You can CHOOSE to stay away from your job and eventually loose it or CHOOSE
to go back and earn a living and keep food on the table, a roof over your head ect. (A CHOICE to pay bills or go in debt.) You can CHOOSE to cry your eyes out over the endless possibilities that 'MIGHT' happen or be grateful that your wife and children are still under the same roof, as well as be thankful for each day of sobriety, clear mind, and all the things you currently have.
Think I don't know where you are comin' from just because I'm the Alanoner of this group? Better think again!!!!!!
I had become so angry inside over AH drinking, it didn't occur to me how it was affecting my health. I found solace in food and gained weight. I went through severe mood swings, ect. ect. ect. Financial struggles led to a bankruptcy.... His affair was the thing though that literally almost destroyed me. I looked into Alanon, but it just didn't 'click' so I looked into AA. Found this board and started reading and rereading. Still not quite 'getting it'........
I too went to my dr. for help to 'calm' me. I was a NERVOUS WRECK, who was left to raise 3 kids, all assets were slyly and slowly taken from me, I had no job, ect. ect. ect. I wasn't coping! I took about a weeks work of the prescription and awoke one night and could not move any of my limbs. Scared the Hell out of me. After about 45 mins. I could feel sensation in a toe and wiggled it. Then the foot and so forth until I was able to get out of that bed. I made a CHOICE. Dumped those pills and began telling myself, "I COULD and I WOULD SURVIVE!"
A year went by in which AH was at intervals making promises that we would work it out.
Then I learned I was being duped. He didn't want ME to file for divorce out of fear I would
crucify him. Back to the dr. and another prescrip (different kind). All those emotions you are experiencing so was this nondrinker. I went through one weekend that time and felt so strung out and sleepy. I'd be awake yet everything seemed to be moving in slo-mo. Down the toilet went that round. Something inside me kept urging me that I COULD and WOULD survive.
It was for a while pure HELL......a HELL that I was allowing because I was not willing to 'allow' myself to believe life would get better. I finally made the choice I had to do something.....because HELL was not where I wanted to stay for the rest of my life.I began to reread some of the posts here. I began to share. I got a job and it not paying too much moved to another. I MADE CHOICES!
And with each one I began to feel life. I became self sufficient in more ways than I EVER thought possible! (Didn't know a damned thing about motors/engines of a car. Because of income couldn't afford anything except an old beater. Nickled and dimed the old gal so much so that I probably couldv'e bought a brand new one by now. Even so......I wouldve missed out on all the knowledge of how all these parts work, what they look like ect. And most of all the feeling of pride that I was able to replace them. And she's still going. LOL)
Oh didn't mention......on the heels of the 2 rounds of depressants about a year after the last, breast cancer paid me a visit. And that same dr. asked if I needed him to write me a prescript. I looked him square in the eye and said, "You know the HELL I've been through with my husband.....I came to you and recieve two rounds [of pills]...." and explained what I had experienced and what I had done with them......."Well guess what, I SURVIVED all that.....the cancer, will be nothing in comparison!!!!! Thanks for the offer, but no thank you!"
I lost that boob..... could've cried. Didn't. I CHOSE to do what I had to do to be cancer free. No boob....so what I was given life and health again and am grateful for each day!
NOBODY escapes a certain amount of pain whether it is emotional or physical. It can wrap us up the side of the head and addle us here and there. It is not a picnic by no means
when it happens. The point is to telling you all of this........
is EXACTLY what the others have said. It is your choice! Life or HELL!

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

MDC,
I feel for you right now. Just know that you don't ever have to go through this again if you make this time count.

You said, "I don't know what I'm going to do when this thing blows up". It already HAS blown up, my friend, and it will get better. We not only detox physically, we detox mentally and spiritually as well. All that toxic and poisonous thinking, attitudes, habits, beliefs. The meetings, the steps, and face to face help will help you get through that. It hurts coming out, and our disease wants us to hold onto every bit of it. When we keep all that stuff, it is easy for us to drink. When we let it go over time through the Steps, it is simpler NOT to drink. To drink seems less and less like an option.

I pray for you tonight, and I sincerely hope that you start to get some sunny days in between, while you are changing and growing. I am sure the days will get better, they have for everyone I know who has gotten sober. Nobody said this would be easy, but it sure is worth it. Take it from someone who grew up in a nice middle class family, and who ended up living on the streets drinking from bottles that had been tossed aside, getting in cars with strangers, and landing in the county jail.

There is life after alcoholism. We are here for you, and prayers going up for you tonight.

Love and hugs,
Joni

Tina · Senior Member

HI Mark

You've been in my thoughts and prayers along with family, it isn't easy but, from what I've in the replys seems to be some pretty sound advice.

And I have faith that you'll get back on track, right you need to put yourself first, and as easy as that sounds, it will evenually get you back into the swing of things soberly.

There's not to much more I can say to add to the advice you already got, good luck and keep coming back.

Your in my prayers

Tina

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Mark, in terms of dealing with depression, I have a lot more than 6 months. I guess I have an 11 year medallion for that. From my experience, you absolutely need to put one foot in front of the other and get to work. For each day that you dont, that adds something else to the list to feel crappy about. You are much stronger than you think you are because, like others have stated, you ARE getting through this hell even though it feels like you are dying. Someone stated to me after I picked up my 6 month chip, "Where is the most dangerous place for you to be?" Of course I responded "In a bar?" The person said "No inside your head." That said, you need to get out and do stuff even though it doesn't seem fun, worthwile, or enjoyable. That is the best way to combat depression. Act "as if." I still am having problems with finding some things that I used to find fun enjoyable. Part of that is because I used to only have fun drunk and I'm still figuring out what I really like to do. I haven't been able to read book YET and I used to read a lot. Anyhow, your brain is sending you all sorts of catastrophic messages. Try to just do what is right and fulfill your obligations to the best of your ability each day. One thing I keep hearing you say over and over again is "I'm losing my family." This is so false. If you really think about it, the only time when you lost your family is when you chose to be drunk rather than with them in the moment. Your children are yours forever. You cannot and will not "lose" them. You also will not ever fully lose your wife because she will always be the mother of your children, regardless of what happens. Things may be different, but the only way to truly lose your family is to go back to being a drunk. So...I just want you to know that those negative thoughts like "I can't handle this" and "I'm losing my mind" and "I'm losing my family" are not reality. That is depression and alcoholism/disease speaking to you. You have to fight those thoughts just like the temptation to drink. Work hard to think of something positive each day. Pat yourself on the back for your strength, for not drinking each day, and for asking for help. You are going to make it a day at a time.

Mark

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

awesome post pinkchip, and spot on, couldn't have put it any better. "one foot in front of the other", just do the next right thing. Eat, sleep, go to work, go to meetings, rinse and repeat.