How to deal with kids

MDC · Senior Member

How to deal with kids

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

hey Mark, the answer to those questions are in the Big Book chapter 9 "the family afterward"

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

learning · MIP Old Timer

Mark,
From a personal perspective...... trust takes time. I know the difficulty you are experiencing only too well. The difference is that my children thought their AH was
perfect and that I was totally at fault for the dimise of our marriage even though he went out and got a mistress and moved out. Because his drinking 'looked' like soooo much fun
I was a prude. I was told things like, "I CAN see why dad left you" or "what ever you say Sr. Mary Wanda" when I tried to enforce rules as their parent. That is just a sampling. I had a ballbat swung at me once. A 16 yr old left and moved in with his aunt because I told him I was calling the cops if he didn't return some stolen road signs. The list was endless of emotional heartbreaks for a while.
I made up mind that I would 'cut' all ties. they would have to figure it out on their own and
I PRAYED as if life it very self depended upon it. The silence at times was unbearable but I didn't budge. I learned from AA to be independent and not worry what others thought including my own children. It took many months to rebuild those relationships.
they have come around! I get hugs and 'I love you's' now. Most endearing to me is that they have all 3 turned into productive people.....AND....yes, I will take credit for that due to the fact their father chose to spend those after work hours in the tavern. They now have concerns for their father's health. I've heard each of them say 'he drinks way too much'.
It basically comes down to trust. Being blunt, they 'thought' I was somewhat a liar when I'd air concerns back when about his problem. Now they have a much better understanding because I allowed them the priviledge of thinking for themselves.
Your kids love you, however, they have seen what alcohol is like up close and personal and that is probably all they've ever known. Now that you are attaining complete sobriety they are mistified by the turnabout, disbelieving the truth of it. Give them time. Don't try to defend the sobriety and tell them it is all better. It is all new to them just as it is to you.
Allow them their feelings without spoken words. In time they will adjust just as you are doing. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is sobriety. However.......the city turned out to be a work of art.....admired, loved, ect. That' is what you are......a work of art in progress....and as time goes it is certain your children will see your true beauty as well.
As I stated in my reply to your first post..... take it a minute at a time....if you have to.....
this too shall pass and the rewards will be great.
With Support,
Wanda

lani · MIP Old Timer

Good morning!
I love what wanda had to share this morning! Wow...to think she was the tyrant to her kids and didnt even drink! lol It is so true what you shared. Things take time...
I have an awesome relationship with my husband, kids and other family member but it took a while for them to really see a change in me, and trust me!

There are still some issues we are dealing with but in time...these things will work out!

How many times have we told our family: we quit drinking, I will change, it wont happen again.....
only to disappoint them once again!

I needed to allow my family to see for themselves the changes in me and to feel whatever they needed to feel to get through...after all, it took alot of years of hell to get where I am today and the kids remember those times!

So hang in, read the BB...get to meetings!

Tina · Senior Member

Hi Mark

I can relate to your situation with your children right now, I remember when I first came into the program.

5 in a half years ago, I went through almost lossing everything I had. With family and my children.

My children were taken from me and I was lossing my mother, and my marriage was in trouble. Well to explain more, I did lose my mom in a tragic accident, left my alcoholic husband and burried my mother that same week and managed not to drink. And managed to get my 2 children back, I got to my first meeting right after that.

My children had a hard time trusting me and like your situation with ur kids it's hard. Today I have a great relationship with both my children. Who now are greatful that I am in the program. My children were about the same age as yours are now, My son now 19 years old and daughter is now 16 years. I am truly greatful for our relationship now that its grown. Didn't happen over night, so my advice to you is that it will take time and hopefully your relationship with your children will improve, like mind did. It's not easy, to be in that situation of being a recovering alcoholic with children.

I will be praying for you and your family!!!

Tina

-- Edited by Tina on Wednesday 8th of April 2009 07:22:45 AM

Dakota · Senior Member

MDC wrote:

Through all this, my children have suffered. I'm trying to get better, but my kids don't understand. Not only the alcohol, but the problems with my marriage. I have 2 kids, a boy 10, and a girl 12. My son just gave me a letter.

"You're not making anything better you fat monster. PS don't talk to me. I hate you."

How do we deal with these things. I tried to explain to him, that I am getting better, but he doesn't get it. Talk about breaking my heart! so much anger in him, I can't blame him.

Children at different age levels appreciate the behaviors of parents in receptive ways. Being drunk around our children creates a whole lot of fear. After all they look to us as parents! We are supposed to be a lot of things. And when we drank, we fell so short of any of it. Things we should have been saying, doing, in comforting supportive ways, and we were quite the opposite.

Counseling was very helpful for me. But when I approached eldest son and told him that things would be better. There would be not any more drinking, etc...And that was after a good several mos of sobriety, His only response was, "we will see". (he sure resembles his grandpa a lot ; )

In any case, you can expect this sort of response from your children, particularly the oldest, the one who kind of took the brunt of the drunkedness outfall. It is very hard to accept, I know. But there it is.

God willing we continue to do better. And with GRACE, we can become all that!!!

Regardless what your children may say, jump up and down and steam off at you about, do not mistake it that they love you more dearly than you will ever know. IT is simply the fear in them that doesn't want to accept you , even if you are sober now.

It is only fair to allow them time, hear what they say and also between the lines. Encourage in them, that which will give them strength in their own personal journeys.

You are blessed to have healthy children. They , just like you, will come out of this as strong independent human beings. With love in their heart.

Working on the self at this point is crucial. Let all this other stuff go, and over a time, may be a lot of mos,You will begin to see some subtle changes. They aren't forced or under your control, but they become apparent, Like the miracles of spring when it seems as if it happened all at once. But it reallly is just working all of the time in minute detail.

: )

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

He is just responding to the instability between you and your wife now. He's scared. This is not all your fault and you are the easiest one to scapegoat right now. He's only 10 and he will come around. Family counseling after you get some more time might be helpful. My alcoholic uncle did it after about a year of sobriety. It helped the kids a lot I think, though he still wound up getting divorced. Either way, he stayed sober and enjoyed his own life.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Sometimes the truth hurts,

I've been sober for over 14 years and all four of my kids have still not forgiven me. In a way, I don't blame them. I broke their hearts to many times. And in their minds I'm still going to get drunk.

All I can do is stay healthy. Which means stay sober. Someday that bridge will be rebuilt and when it is, God Willing, I will be sober.

eastcoastscott · Senior Member

Our kids don't hate us. They may say it but deep down......We are sick people, not bad people. Yes, we've done bad things and like all people, we deserve forgiveness. I didn't used to think I deserved it and that kept me drunk. I understand things better now and have realized that all my kids ever really wanted is to see me smile. Healing takes time and the closer we get to the Truth, the better we get. Alcoholism is a family disease and each member of the family has to understand that we did not ask for this but do ask for help from them too. In my experience, some of the things that I have learned from doing the 12 steps has actually rubbed off on them......bonus!!!!!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I will bust out my family therapist hat just briefly. There is a process that goes on when an entire family identifies one person as "the sick one." (triangulation). Now that you are rejecting that label/role and trying to get well, everyone has to face up to their own crap and the excuse is no longer "Dad is a drunk" or "Mark is a drunk" so it's okay to do whatever... There will be some serious shifts in dynamics. Your whole family has been focused on your sickness and there may even be a pull towards you going back to that role, hence comments from your son "You aren't making things better." Just have faith that you are getting well and through the rough times, you will come out better on the other side. You may need some time to focus on you Mark, and that is okay. After 20 years of you fitting into the role of drunk dad and husband, there will be enormous pressure to go back to that. You are being so courageous facing the mess that alcohol has ripped into your life. I am proud of you and I have faith in you. You are going to be the best support to your family the more you work on figuring out who Mark is and what he is capable of doing without alcohol. I can see from your posts that you are getting stronger and walking through some really tough fears. Keep it up. We are all rooting for you.

Mark