My name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic
Raised by my dad as my mom left when I was 6...2 brothers...I am the middle child...My younger bro is also a member of AA...

Had a housekeeper who lived with us for a little while...she fell in love with my dad and had to leave...I still recall her driving away without saying goodbye....
My dad remarried when I was 13 or so and she was a younger gal...28 yrs old, no children..and she did the best she could do with 3 new kids...

My dad was sooo awesome, still is but always had his head buried in the sand and wasnt great at showing emotions...we all hid our feelings and never said what we really felt.

I had a ton of friends and was always soo outgoing..but, get to know me to much and off I ran! I seemed to always have a boyfriend but as soon as the feelings got to much or I knew I "had" them...once again off I ran...

I started drinking at a young age..7th grade with my best friends older sisters! Loved that tinkle pink boones farm and couldnt wait for the weekend when Id spend the night at her house and we'd get wasted! Her parents drank and went off to bed early so we got to do whatever we wanted...

Very involved in high school and even got nominated for homecoming queen! Teachers always loved me but I think although I wasnt the greatest student I could play the game and make them all love me! I think I did that with everyone...Dont think I was the cutest looking girl but I had the personality to make you love me!! lol  How could you not!!!!
Tried alot of different drugs throughout my life but luckily they scared me a little so I didnt have to deal with that to much thank God!!!

Moved out at 18 and my dad cried while my stepmom helped me pack!!! I was a bit rebellious and just pretty much did what I wanted since I was 16..had a job, car and my own place now.
My roomamte was a guy friend that I just loved! We were firends but had a little history in the past. One day he commited suicide, why we will never know but once again I felt abandoned.. What was so wrong with me that everyone I loved left me..

So, my MO remained that I had tons of people around me, boyfriends when I already had boyfriends and as soon as you got close...I ran again!
Had a DWI when I was 19 or so and did the three day thing...I remember going to AA meetings, drunk or course and probably sooo disrespectful! Didnt know anyone who went to AA as I was so young and thought they were all just a bunch of old drunks!Had a second one in 1986 and my friend and I were going out for her bacholer party. We got hit head on by a young kid, ended up in the hospital 2 weeks...my friend in the car got married and spent her honeymoon in the hospital with me!

Ended up going to jail for 10 days but didnt finish my entire time because I had a miscarriage there..they handcuffed me and got me released to the hospital to have a D and C...Imagine how embarrassing that was...my father in law to be was an attorney and called the judge to get me out..I could have died right there in the hospital seeing my doctors face as he did the procedure!

Finished my time at a later date, on crutches as I broke my leg very badly....
Lots more stuff happened throughout the years and I got married, had two kids, bought a house , went to nursing school...All this time I still drank, and loved it, thinking I had no problem. I didnt drink all the time but usually ended up doing something crazy almost every time.

My husband of 20 years now also drank, went in to AA a few years back and so Id go to alanon...after all he had the problem!!!! I hated that he went and thought I liked him better as a drunk!! I missed the party buddy in him and couldnt stand his self righteousness!!  Looking back..I cant believe I missed the drunk man who would black out, beat me or I him and generally was not a nice person when using! Sick thinking for sure!!!

He ended going back out and thats when the fun began! Oh, it was fine at first...My party buddy was back but as they say...he was right back to where he started and worse...

I dont know when I fell off the cliff so to speak, but I started drinking every day. Weekends I would start early just to take the edge off. My whole life evolved around drinking and I always had a little pint of cheap vodka hidden somewhere so I could take little nips in between drinking so no one knew how much I was drinking...or after work just to get the buzz going early...or on the way to some event or party...just anytime, anywhere!!!!

My self confidence was completly gone..I started a new job to run away from the mess I was becoming and so I could cash in my 401K to bail myself out of the financial mess I was getting myself into. The new job went great at first, loved working with cancer patients but dang, they were all dying (leaving again!!!) and I drank more just to cover up the sorrow! Got fired, imagine that and started looking for a new job...

My husband got back into AA and I thought Id go to..Felt like he sort of made me, resented that, but thought Id play that game too....Went to AA for about three months, continued drinking secretly as my husband worked nights....

I dont know how or why but one day after praying for the obsession to drink to be removed...IT WORKED!!! Told myself, just for today, I wouldnt drink and could drink tomorrow...Strung a few of those together, got a sponsor, home group and really let go! I had completly surrendered and knew my life was totally unmanageable!
Today, I have 18 months of conitnuous sobriety..A new job that I love, the respect of my kids and husband...Friends that love me no matter what and a truly wonderful Higher power that has always been there...I just ran from that too!
My self confidence has returned and I dont need to drink to fall asleep and make my mind stop wondering what I did wrong today! I feel good...I can be honest, share my feelings and let others be where they are ...just for today!

Thanks for letting me share!!!!

-- Edited by lani on Tuesday 7th of April 2009 08:43:47 AM