Who are we kidding?  My life means nothing to those closest to me.  Thank you all for listening to me for the last few days.  I just can't do this.  Life isn't woth it anymore.  I don't even know why I'm writing tis.

Mark,

You are writing this because you do want help.  I'm sorry about the affair.  I went through that myself.  It was one of the most painful experiences I had to deal with in early sobriety.

If this is "the end" then what about your kids?  What about you?  I believe our Higher Power has a plan for us and some have a bit rockier road then others.  But, I believe that I owed it to myself to stay sober.  It is real easy to say "I'm staying sober for me and no one else."  But then when there really isn't anyone else... that is an extremely scary and lonely place to be.

For this alcoholic it was the realization that I couldn't live my life with alcohol, but I also couldn't imagine a life without it.

My ex-wife and I were separated for two years before I finally filed for divorce.  During that separation I stayed loyal to my marriage vows while she didn't.  And to this day I'm grateful for my Higher Power and AA for helping me during that trying time.

That was 14 years ago.  My ex-wife is still with that same guy.  I've seen her a few times since then and she has had black eyes and he's been in jail for DUIs.  She did not want me sober, she was more comfortable with another drunk.  She loved the drama and she knew the games.

Our lives have gone in entirely different directions.  And mine could not have gone the way it is presently going if I was still married to her.  In fact, I doubt if I would be sober if we were still married.

Get to a meeting... make some friends... and worry about your marriage at a later time.

In my thoughts and prayers,
Dasve

Hell yes it's worth it! Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I drank, I was an abusive nasty drunk.  But my behaviors did not make my ex-wife cheat on me.

She did that of her own free will.

When I sobered up I also realized that I was not responsible for her actions - just mine...

Dave

My thoughts and prayers and with you, Mark.

Hugs and lots of love.........


Jen

Talked to my wife. I'll be at the 8pm meeting. Wife and I know we have a long road ahead. Thinking about getting some info for Al-Anon for her. It's a start, It will take alot of time and prayers. I'll let you all know how my 1st meeting goes.

Thanks  Dean.  You all have helped alot. 

 

MDC

-- Edited by MDC on Monday 6th of April 2009 06:54:01 PM

not so coincidently I got this email today, and it reminded me of how AA works through people. 

      "One day, when I was a freshman in high school. 

*I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.

*His name was Kyle.

*It looked like he was carrying all of his books.

*I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a 

Friday?

*He must really be a nerd.'

*I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends 

tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.

*As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.

*They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so 

he landed in the dirt.

*His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet 

from him...

*He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes* 

*My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around 

looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye..

*As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.' 

*They really should get lives.

*' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'

*There was a big smile on his face.

*It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude..

*I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.

*As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him 

before..

*He said he had gone to private school before now.

*I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

*We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
 
*He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.

*I asked him if he wanted to play a little football* 

*with my friends.

*He said yes.

*We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked 

him, and my ** **friends thought the same of him.

*Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. 

*I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious 

muscles with this pile of books everyday!

*' He just laughed and handed me half the books.

*Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.. 

*When we were seniors we began to think about college.

*Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. 

*I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never

*be a problem.

*He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football 

scholarship..

*Kyle was valedictorian of our class. 

*I teased him all the time about being a nerd.

*He had to prepare a speech for graduation.


*I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. 

*Graduation day, I saw Kyle.


*He looked great.


*He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. 

*He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. 


*He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.


*Boy, sometimes I was jealous!

Today was one of those days. 

*I could see that he was nervous about his speech. 


*So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be 

great!'

*He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and 

smiled. 


*' Thanks,' he said. 

*As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began


*'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those 

tough years.


*Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your 

friends.... 

*I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best 

gift you can give them. 


*I am going to tell you a story.'


*I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the


*first day we met


*He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
 

*He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to 

do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
 

*He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 


*'Thankfully, I was saved.
 

*My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable..' 

*I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us 

all about his weakest moment.


*I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.


*Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
 

*Never underestimate the power of your actions.. 


*With one small gesture you can change a person's life..
 

*For better or for worse.*


*God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. 


*Look for God in others.


'Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble 

remembering how to fly.' 


*There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.



*Tomorrow is a mystery.* 



*But today is a gift.* 



*That is why they call it* 



*THE PRESENT!"

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 6th of April 2009 09:52:27 PM

I am, as always, amazed at the power of this program...For one to reach out and be saved such as you were, I am so thankful...
You are worth saving and soon you will come to realize it.
Continue going to meetings, sharing where you are and you will see you are not at all unique. We all have feelings of being scared and wanting to die sometimes.... We are never alone and as long as you reach out, be honest and share where you are...you will always find the help you need!!!!


Thank God for all the little angels on earth!!!!

"It shouldn't have to be this hard"-- I think that way all the time...Then, I remember my history and realize, yes it does have to be this hard or else I would have been sober a looooong time ago. Congratulations on your first meeting! For me, it was months of thinking about it and worrying about it before I decided to go, and its a big step for you. After awhile of going to meetings and talking with alcoholics, it got to the point where I couldn't BS myself anymore when I decided to drink again (which i did numerous times)...

"When your going through it you only see one way out"---I feel you on that one Mark, we have blinders on when we're drinking, or when we're early in sobriety (at least I did). My sponsor has told me that if I stay away from the drink and put in at least 51% and be patient, a psychic change will occur...An old AA saying goes something like this: Stick around long enough for the miracle to happen...

Good to hear you went to a meeting and are talking with alcoholics...Most of us have been where you are, so your not alone...take care Mark.

Adam

Have you been to your doctor? If you don't have a doctor you should get one. Talking with a professional is a healthful habit. Support can come from friends, esp. the ones from the AA meeting, and some guidance from your doctor.

You sound like you are dealing with the problems now. Where you once were drinking and avoiding things, now you are sober and well it is difficult.

Any of you guys reading been there done that?

It takes time. You took a while to get to this point and now you are finding that it isn't automatic to resume life as usual... Because it isn't as usual. AND that is good. It hurts to go through this.

Most marriages go through this phase where there is real problems. Many problems stem from different things, some of it is just the way we muddle through and other probs seem to be in addition to the usual, (whatever the "usual" is lol)

At any rate, read about other people's troubles and see how much more alike you may see that you are. See that through the trials and tribulations that you can come out of this.

I don't know about marriage. It is a lot to deal with esp. when there is someone else.

Counseling should be a prerequisite for marriage and there should be counseling in the midst of marriage and at various times. Too often we don't want to deal with those marriage issues when they would have been manageable, and then it is a huge crisis.

Marriagebuilders. com has a lot of good in it. The articles, books. And there is an excellent info on addictions.

Nothing replaces good counseling in person though. I would def be looking for one now.

Good luck buddy.

Mark- My experience has been: The last year of my drinking I was wanting out of this life (suicide) and my experiences in sobriety (which have never lasted longer than 2 months) was pretty much the same, although I had good days, which I never had while drinking. I read about PAWS the first time I got sober, and I think it is something to think about. Like Dakota said, most of us have spent years drinking/drugging and your depression is not going to go away overnight. I'm dealing with this fact every damn day (57 days sober). Thing is, my last drinking days were so horrible that I am just too damn scared to go back. That doesn't mean I don't think about drinking some whiskey (the thought crossed my mind last night in fact). I called my sponsor to get out of my head and felt better about it. Today, I am so glad I didn't drink. I am seeing a doctor for my depression and think from what you've posted, I think you should explore that option. The past ten days have been pretty damn good for me Mark, so it is NOT going to be hell everyday forever...It DOES get better, just try and do a couple of positive things for yourself every day, even if they seem small and meaningless: take a walk, go to a meeting, write a poem or a journal, meet an alcoholic for a cup of coffee, say a prayer, watch a funny movie, read something out of the AA Big Book (you can access it online if you don't have one), etc...Nothing drastic/huge is expected of you in a single day, just do not pick up that FIRST drink and do something that gets you out of your head, if only for a couple of minutes...It gets better Mark, just listen to the people on here who have many months and even many years, they will tell you how much their life has changed. My time in sobriety is very short, but I have felt significantly different these last ten days, so just hang in there Mark..one more day! Take care...

Adam

PS- You said it in your previous post: "When your going through it you only see one way out"---I know its hard to see how it is going to get better, but you put some more sobriety under your belt and do some of those positive things I mentioned, and you will be surprised at how your self-esteem/mind can rebound from the depths of hell...call it an instinct, call it a miracle, but it DOES happen and it happens everyday for alcoholics like us, as long as we are willing.

MDC wrote:

---

I'm trying to stay focussed on me. It's really the only thing I have control over.

---

You've hit the nail on the head. It IS the only thing you can control. 

When I finally got that thru my thick, sick skull,  life got better. It's not an easy thing to do and I'm not successful with it 100%, but I'm better at it today.


I thank God we're not all sick with the same symptoms on the same day!


Hang in there, Mark. You're doing GREAT.

((hugs))

Jen


Dean-O, that's a really cool story, I was sad to find out it's not true. Boo Hoo.

-- Edited by Doll on Tuesday 7th of April 2009 05:36:54 PM

Thank you all. Please continue to pray for me and my family. I have no way of knowing what the future holds for us. I'm sure we have more hard times ahead, and hopefully a few good times too.

I can't believe how much my emotions and moods have changed over the last week. I've gone back and re-read all that I have written...You all must think I'm insane, I do after reading all that.

Thanks for the prayers, they DID help. I honestly wanted to die. Now, I'm not sure I want to keep going, but I do have a little hope. I haven't eaten or slept for the past few days, I think I'll grab a bite to eat, and take a nap. Getting sober isn't all bad, I have lost about 15# over the past month.

cramcj01 wrote:

---

We don't think you're insane.  We've ALL been through it! 

---

Yeah, we're here because we're not all there ........

 

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 7th of April 2009 08:49:22 PM

Mark,

Stay on a course with AA.  No one is telling you what to do beyond that.  There is a quote towards the end of the Big Book that I use a lot with those in early recovery.

"The head knows, long before the heart will accept," or something to that effect.  Just stay sober and no matter what go to AA.  Everything else will work itself out in His time.

Another avenue down the road, might be hitting some CODA meetings or Al-anon.  Buit that's down the road - AA first.

It works - just look at this thread!

Dave

"Your life is more important than your marriage. You can have as many marriages as you can stand, but you only get one life."

That is one of the most profound statements that I've ever heard of read.  That is excellent Dean.

I know I didn't want to hear it early on... but it is so true.