I'm not sure where to begin with this..... So I'm just gonna go ahead with it,,, I know of someone in the program who was seeing another member from the AA program.
They seen each for a while and well things didn't work out, the male individual seemed to think it was ok to be friends with benefits. Which some found to be a poor way to look at relationship and that the individual had insecurities,
The female in the relationship got to the point where she had enough, and figured it was an unheathly situation for the both of them, even though she had felt that she had a part in it allowing it to continue, she ended it.
The young lady, has done everything to move on, But the other party seems to think it's ok to try and start up things every few months. Mind you that the second party has quite a few years in the program, still thinks it's ok to have 3 or 4 women at the same time and feels it s ok to have THE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS!!
The young has done everything the right way, but still feels concerned that the male individual has a BIG problem, and feels the individual can't take not interested or no for an answer. Any suggestions that would help and appreciated that you have for me to pass along.
Thanks
Tina
-- Edited by Tina on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 07:20:18 AM
Tina, it sounds like the male here is a plain old nasty p***yhound and that your female friend here needs to step it up and be more assertive. If she is really done with him she needs to make it super clear. It seems like she is still concerned about him...if not, why give a crap who he dates and what he does? Anyhow, to avoid further advances, she needs to make the message loud and clear. "I am done with you! I don't come to meetings for you and you are really starting to irritate me! Leave me alone please!"....This is one of those things were you can only be 13th stepped if you allow yourself to be vulnerable (especially if it happens again and again). My suggestion would be to ramp up the assertiveness if she really is done with him. Next time he acts like he wants to get with her...forget staying friends...forget "being nice" and no giggling and acting all flattered or whatever. She needs to act in her own best interest. People forget there is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Standing up for yourself feels aggressive to some of us who are people pleasers, but it is really an assertive and healthy behavior. So...she needs to be assertive, then just work on praying about the situation until she forgets about him and he doesn't have power over her like he seems to now. My 2 cents. Hope it's worth something.
Also Tina, it sounds like your female friend might need to get honest with herself. How much does she really want it to be over versus does she want this guy to drop all the other girls and be totally devoted to either her or the memory of her? She can't change him...only her. Of course, telling her this might bring up a host of issues and denial so be prepared if you do.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 08:49:58 AM
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pinkchip is on target here. Sounds like she likes the attention and is hoping that he may change his ways. All that she needed to do was say "not no, but hell no, not now and not ever..." in front of a few people and he'd get the message. lol. Trouble is that most alcoholics are also codependents and codependents don't know (or don't want to) end relationships. They like to keep the door open in case a future relationship goes south, so that they'll have a quick option to go back to an older one or perhaps a new one that they have been cultivating, so they will never ever have to be alone.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 04:21:28 PM
Just wanted to say thanks for the suggestions they were well put... That friend of mind has put her foot down and moved on to bigger and better things..
1 thing I should mention is that the fella pops up every now and again, and she told him to leave her alone, she's not interested and NO HELL NO. And she has informed the police department of the dealings with this individual.
Call a spade a spade then. Is this guy a stalker or what? If that's the case police and more police would be the answer every time he pops up. If this continues, restraining order might be something to consider. Zero conversation and attention given to him would be crucial and maybe even going to different meetings so he won't get off on intimidating her AND so she can focus on her recovery without having to deal with him being around.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I would suggest that the young lady talks to a male member w/ good sobriety whom she respects and knows both parties involved. Hopefully this will be a person the guy involved will respect also.
Have her explain the situation and she would like her desires expressed the the guy involved.
It probably would be best if the respected male member along with another repected male member takes the guy in question out for a cup of coffee to explain the circumstances.
This should solve the problem and I'm sure the "problem guy" will be more careful in the future regarding women in the program.
Stuff like this happens, but usually in the end all parties will grow from the experience.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
