Hello, I'm new here.

MDC · Senior Member

Hello, I'm new here.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello MDC and welcome to our board. Congrats on 30 days! There are lots of tools for dealing with cravings and so on. You can read the "Big Book" AA here free http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm. It's an interesting easy read for an almost 75 year old book!

We hope you'll stick around and let us get to know you.

Dean

learning · MIP Old Timer

One may 'feel' one NEEDS a drink, but in reality doesn't. You've accomplished quite a feat with 32 days. It is certain that wasn't easy and was done one day at a time. Baby steps.....deep breath.......and baby steps. One min. at a time if you have to. One hour....and so on. The little increments turn to big ones and it does get easier in time.
Do you have a sponsor? It is common to go through these times and much easier to go through them with another. Might want to pick up the phone and call someone. It DOES help.
Welcome!

BGG · Senior Member

Hang in there, MDC! What you are going through is the mental obsession part of our disease of alcoholism, and with time and use of the tools of AA (meetings, a sponsor, AA friends, the Steps, and a Higher Power), the obsessions will become less and less frequent and then will disappear entirely. As others have suggested, contact with other AA members, in person or by phone, can be a great aid in getting through these tough spots. Please keep posting here and let us know how you are doing. We are all in this together--you are not alone.

Love,

BGG

MDC · Senior Member

It's just dealing with the lonliness and everything. At this point, I've pretty much lost my wife. She doesn't seem to want to even try to work things out. I've done everything she's asked. All I get is "Too little, too late." She won't even reconize that things are changing. I know it's only been a month, but it IS a start. I don't even know why I'm trying anymore...what's the point??? At least I can numb the pain a little.

Dodsworth · Senior Member

MDC, i know its little consolation, but sounds like that bridge may be burned..besides, the most important thing is YOU, and not drinking means you have a good shot at being the person you've wanted to be..clean up your side of the street and if she doesnt want to work things out down the road, that becomes her issue not yours.

"At least I can numb the pain a little."- true, but play the tape all the way through (a night of drinking)...the guilt, remorse, anguish that awaits me in the morning after a long hard night of drinking scares the crap outta me. My experience has been one night of drinking to "numb the pain" becomes a week, a month, then im back in full-on hell. I understand where you're at, we all do...call an AA hotline, there are plenty of alcoholics who would feel priveleged to hang out with ya. Trust me.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

MDC, my x-wife and I split up for the last time right at the beginning of my sobriety also. As soon as 6 months later, I realized how incompatible we were and that she wasn't who I thought that she was. And as soon as I stopped desiring to put the relationship back together, she wanted me back and it was too late for her. It turned out to be exactly what I needed in that it made it much easier to focus on myself and what I needed to do to heal myself of this horrible disease. Wife #2, of 16 years is incredible, but I had to become That healthy person to attract and be attracted to her. I took a few years, and I embraced bachelorhood and had a great time for that 4 years (6 really as my wife and I dated for two year before living together). I survived being a single dad, my son was 2 when his mother and I parted. He wound up living with me for the last 6 years before going off to college.

MDC, get to some AA meetings, that will cure your loneliness. Making friends in the meetings is an important (often overlooked) part of getting sober, replacing your drinking friends (your wife for one) with
ones that don't and are having great lives and lot of fun without having to drink.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 06:07:36 AM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Dean's words are the best pretty much. But I will say that I began sobriety with a split from a 7 year "marriage" too. Granted, I ended it myself and did it because I knew I wouldn't get sober otherwise. Nonetheless, I did move out with only 2 grocery bags of clothes, stayed with a friend for 1 month, attended multiple meetings a day, and did my best to focus on me. I haven't necessarily dealt with all my relationship issues perfectly, but those are getting better too with time. The desire to get sober for me was burning and I wanted that BAD for ME. Nothing cures heartache but time. Alcohol ruined my last relationship and it sucked big time. It is no reason to carry on hurting yourself. You know that drinking only hurts you and the people that care about you. It doesn't really numb...it hurts you. Dig deep and know that you will be okay and this is time for you to do your best to move on and be who you want and need to be. Stay strong. You deserve it. Also, while I won't say things are all great and peachy for me...I'm sharing all this with only 6 months sober. So...AA plus therapy did put me in a better spot relatively quickly. I just wanted you to know that because I figure it might give you some concrete hope for the nearer future.

MDC · Senior Member

I just not ready to give up on my marriage. We have 2 kids and I DO love my wife. I wish she could be a little more understanding about where I'm at. She came to my work (an hour away) and ate lunch with me. She kissed me bye (the first time in a month.) We are both still living at the same house and sleeping in the same bed. Does this mean she's wanting to see how things go? I've never been more confussed in my life, but I've made it another day.

I do see her side, it's not like this is the first time. I've never been more serious about this in my life, but how could she know that? All I can promise her is I can do 1 day at a time. I can't tell her I've been sober for a year, or even 6 months. All I can say is 33 days. I can't blame her for not having faith in me. I can only blame myself. I just pray she will watch and see.

I don't even know where there is a meeting near by. I'm trying this, but with very little support. I am getting with a "counsler" coming up.

I know I'm sounding like a big crybaby right now, but I'm just trying to make sense of everything.

Thanks

-- Edited by MDC on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 08:46:37 PM

-- Edited by MDC on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 09:00:42 PM

kkotz401 · Senior Member

I was 30 days sober before I relapsed. I know what it feels like to need a drink. You have to have faith and will power.

Tina · Senior Member

HI MDC

Just wanted to say welcome to the board, and if you want to stay sober this is the place to be.

Your not alone, please continue to come back and well go to meetings... Just how bad to you want it.

Tina

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

The big book also talks about AA and the healing of marriages. I suggest reading the story in the back of the big book "Acceptance was the Answer." You still need to get sober for you though so as not to run the risk of "Okay...the marriage is fine now, I can drink" thing happening. As far as meetings go, you can call the AA hotline and they will get you started. After you find 1 meeting, the rest is cake. You pick up a "where and when" book which should be available at most any meeting and it will list all the local meetings and times in your area. Also, you can probably find this info online. As far as being a cry baby, I don't see it that way at all. You are sounding brave and serious to me. Putting the bottle down alone will have you going through lots of crazy mood swings for a few months...let alone having the REAL issues you are having. Crying your ass off if you need to is a lot healthier than drinking the pain away. Plus, no matter what happens with your wife, those 2 kids are yours forever and they need a healthy dad more than you need a drink. Your counselor is going to help a bunch and steer you towards where you need to go also, so try and relax some. You are doing great!

Deafhawk · Member

Oh Boy!! This is a GREAT ONE!! Thank you MDC. I would not have survived my first 30 days without my sponsor. M, if you have a sponsor, fire him and get a new one. A therapist is not a sponsor. Get a real sponsor who has worked all of the steps, has a sponsor himself and has some experience staying sober. And, do it right now. I wrote a book explaining the twelve steps in terms of metaphysical principles and universal spiritual laws. You don't need that shit right now, you need a Drill Instructor who will kick your ass. It isn't gentile but it is loving and kind. It is the only reason I'm not dead. I hung out at an AA club between meetings and asked who ever looked like they were reasonably sober and tough enough to be my sponsor. A globe and anchor tattoo anywhere on their body was a good sign. (They aren't hard to find in AA rooms -smile-) The sponsor my Higher Power chose for me didn't have one, but was the perfect sponsor for me. The first thing he said to me was "Do you have a Big Book?" The next thing he said was, "You know that white space between the lines, there's not a f*-king thing there, don't try to put something there." He knew me better than I knew myself at that point. Your sponsor, if you chose to have one, will know you better than you know yourself because he has already been where you are right now.

MDC · Senior Member

I don't have a sponser, I haven't been to a meeting yet. Just on my own right now. It sucks. I know I have to do this for me and not just to keep my family, I've probally already lost them. But I thought it would get easier with time.

I get up every morning and the first decission I have to make is wheather to get up and go to work, or just blow my fucking brains out. That decission is getting harder EVERY day. I just want 1 good day. I've never been suicidal before, there is just too much happening at the same time. If the world could just stop for a minute and let me catch up.

Is all this normal to be feeling?

-- Edited by MDC on Friday 3rd of April 2009 08:45:53 AM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Agreed, a therapist is NOT a sponsor, but BOTH do have their own roles. The therapist absolutely needs to know the program and understand how it works. I would also add for anyone that reads any of my posts here...A therapist with 6 months sober does NOT have the answer to every problem. If I did, I wouldn't need AA and my own sponsor. So...my opinions are just that...opinions. People with time usually have better answers for me than anyone.

MDC · Senior Member

I'm not sure anyone has the answers I'm looking for. I feel so empty and alone...I'm telling people I don't even know, my problems...I just want a regular life, like everyone else.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

MDC, your best thinking got you here, so why don't you try taking some suggestions from some sober people, if being sober (and happy to be sober) is your goal? You can probably grit your teeth and stay dry for a short period of time, but you're already miserable. If you want more from life then being dry and wanting to blow your brains out, I suggest that you give AA a call and go try some meetings. We'll gladly refund your misery, and your express checkout option will still be available for you should you decide that AA is not for you. Do you think that you are cornering the market of bad luck and trouble, like it's some unique situation that no ones be in before? Most of us felt that way, till we started attending meetings and sharing with a group (like you're doing here) what's going on, and those people generally had had the same kind of experiences and got through them sober.

MDC · Senior Member

I am planning to go to a meeting. It is a little easier for me online right now, I'd feel like a complete idiot (sober idiot) crying in front of people I don't know. At least here nobody can see what a mess I am right now. I do have hope that things will improve. I just have to pull myself together. I know I have to do this for me. I'm home now, so I made it another day! I'm just not sure why today was so much harder, life I guess.

I can't believe what a whimp I feel like, crying like a little kid. Not very impressive for a 190# man.

Thanks

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Well Done Today, Mark. I can feel for where you are right now & I have seen many men in bits in meetings & despite their shame, feeling very much relieved not to be alone in A.A. You are not alone & we have all been where you're at feeling the despair & desolation our alcoholism has left us in. Keep coming back & don't give in. Your sobriety is worth fighting for, for yourself & whatever, come what may. We don't offer any guarantees that people will return to you that have moved away from you in your life but we do say that we can tackle our problems one at a time with a sober head on us. It begins with babysteps, low expectations & high hopes.

There is hope for you in A.A. but as has been suggested here you need to attend your meetings, get a sponsor, read the literature & start working the steps. Use the link above to take you to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. You will find so much of what you need to know about this condition within its pages. Sobriety & all its gifts are possible with these efforts. It's what I did & continue to do to stay sober. Without my sobriety I wouldn't have anything else. My sobriety comes first & is the bedrock I use to build the rest of my life on 1Day@aTime. Good luck & welcome to the fold of the fellowship. We are with you as you walk on your new road. Take heart & have courage. God bless, Danielle x

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Friday 3rd of April 2009 08:07:45 PM

Dave Harm · Senior Member

MDC,

It's alright to cry. We're human. And if my ex-wife and kids saw me cry they might have believe I was human too. I know that pain. I believe that I quit drinking to save my marriage and it didn't work. We were separated for two years.

Two years I stayed sober and she couldn't accept the change in me. The reality was that even though she hated the drunk - she knew the game. She loved being a victim and she didn't want to change.

After two years, I filed for divorce because I never wanted to relive the pain of my early sobriety ever again. It was to much work for me and I'm not sure if I have the strength to go through it again.

Lonely? Heck yes I was lonely. But I did what everyone here has suggested I went to meetings and I cried like a baby. And it felt good. I could still feel! No one will laugh at you for crying because we've all been there.

I will say with certainty that by the end of that first meeting you will have more phone numbers then you ever imagined.

By the Grace of God, I have built a fair amount of sober time and sadly my ex-family still views me as a drunk. And that's OK. Someday they will want to talk and I believe that I owe it to them to be the healthiest person I can be when that time comes. And for me that means being sober.

Good luck,
Dave

MDC · Senior Member

It's amazing how fast moods and emotions can change. I got up this morning not wanting to even exist anymore. I spent the better part of the Locked in my office at work crying. Now I feel a little hope in my life. I'm going to my first meeting Tomorrow. I don't know if I'll be able to stay long, dependss on if I can keep myself together.

I made it through another day! The worst for me so far being sober, but I made it. I'm actually looking forward to the meeting.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Mark!!

Congradulations on the 32days. It's guts time!! There is such a reality as
withdrawals in our disease and sometimes the language of it is, "I need a
drink!!" Maybe you don't really need one. The truth might be that you
want one and/or your body is craving one along with your mind and emotions
and your very spirit. We come to the point where we have no control and the
disease owns us. Some of us learn from others that the disease is like a
pacing tiger that sometimes lays down to rest and then gets back up and
paces the lining of our stomachs.   Don't try to do this at this point alone.
Alcoholism is called cunning, powerful and baffling for nothing. You have,
we all have 3 choices; Sobriety, Insanity or Death. Some of us have come to
understand that the disease wants to get us alone, get us drunk and then
kill us. We are not normal in any sense of the word. Even our blood cells
are different. We are only normal when run thru the filter and assessment
on alcoholism. We are not bad people...we are sick people living with a
fatal disease one that this progressive and if we continue to drink we go
crazy and or die. That is real it's not macho or cute. Our disease cannot
be cured, it can only be arrested by total abstinence. If we do not totally
abstain we loose everything and die. That is normal for a practicing
alcoholic.   This is no scare tactic...this is reality for us. Thinking we can
out last it (one drink or a thousand) is fantasy. Thinking that we can do
this and keep the job, car, house and family is a fantasy. If they don't leave
physically they leave emotionally and mentally and spiritual and we get to
live with people we have taught with our drinking to hate and dispise what
we do and go crazy trying to love us anyway.

Your wife and family are supposed to be going thru what they are going thru.
Bless them and expect it. The fears you have about loosing them and more
are real fears. We do reach the point where they will leave...where they find
the courage to go and many don't look back again and they are justified and
their courage to do that is honorable and inspiring. Our drinking used them up
as it uses us up unless we stop. Even if we stop it might now be enough for
them to hold on. There is something about teaching others thru false promises
and dispair that is final. We still get the opportunity to get and stay sober and
go on. I did that.

You have the hotline to AA and other resources to stay sober until the next
meeting. If you go after the next day like you feel like going after the next
drink you have a chance. You can only want it for yourself...turn everything
else (everything) over to God as you understand God. My only first prayer
was "Help me please". It worked and I got that daily reprieve to have day
two. If you are lonely and confused pray and don't drink inspite of it. Pain
won't kill. It feels crappy and lets you know you're still alive and have a
chance.   Time to focus on you. Crying is a human thing but it doesn't solve
the problem just describes the condition. Cry go ahead and make it honest.
Self pity is obvious and drives others farther away. If its self pity you are
feeling save it for the meeting and those who know it by heart and can help
you with it or bring it here. If it is real remorse, sincere apology might do until
you understand more. If you have been practising false promises don't even
say your going to get help, just go get help...go to the meeting and start the
"walk" instead if the "Talk".    If your wife an family haven't left yet its because
there is some hope still coating the bottom of the wishing well bucket. Booze
will disolve it all in time. Keep in mind that they have not had the anesthesia
of alcohol to block out the reality of it. While you have been released from
pain they have had enough for everyone. Be fair give them a break.Go to a
meeting and become a student.

AA will do its part with you not without you or inspite of you. If you're not
ready go until you don't want to stop.

hugs smile

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Good job on going to the meeting Mark, we all let out a collective sigh, Yeah! When you get a chance and are feeling better google "post acute withdrawal syndrome" or search this forum for PAWS. I highly recommend getting a copy of this book- Staying Sober by Terri Gorski. It explains the changes that your mind and body are going through for 6-18 months after ceasing drinking. It really helped me and I was a chronic relapser. http://www.amazon.com/Staying-Sober-Guide-Relapse-Prevention/dp/083090459X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Congrats Mark on making it through the day. Keep trudging forward! I was praying you would be okay. I'm sure others on here were too and that is what AA is about. You will find even more of this in person, so get yourself there and start building support. You are in the perfect spot to start going to meetings whether you know it or not. It is what is called the "gift of desperation" and it will turn into motivation for you more an more. Don't be ashamed to cry at all...it's the only way to work through things. Besides, you don't get arrested for driving while crying...crying in public...disturbing the peace by crying...and your liver doesn't give out from crying. Try and keep it in perspective and start your 90/90 today!

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Congrats on the 32 days.

I take it if you are on this board and counting the days of sobriety you don't need to drink unless you want the conseqences back that insired you to stop drinking...play the movie all the way through, If you are like me and you drink a lot of problems come with it.

Right now you "want" to drink but "need" to stay sober.

No justifiable reason to ever pick up the first drink.