I am clean and sober, but i swear i feel hungover!! Could it be an emotional hangover? I've been working at a job now for exactly 2 months, that in itself is an accomplishment. Before that i didn't work for 3 years, i lived on the streets basically, lost in actice addiction. Clearly trying to run from myself, not to mention reality and those that love me. I just finished working a stretch of 6 days, i have today off and then work 3 more. I work at a personal care home, helping 5 sweet little old ladies. One of the residents last night asked me (after serving them all their evening tea and snack) " now who's going to get you something?" I smiled and said "don't worry, i'll get myself a cuppa tea." She said "well,i would if i could." so sweet. if she only knew how grateful i am to ahve a job and be where i am in my life!!! My shift is 4-11 pm and getting to meetings has not been easy, once a week jsut isn't cutting it for me. i usually have sundays off, but my mode of transportation these days consists of a bus pass..ugh.Buses don't run after 6 pm here on Sundays. 1 1/2 hours to get home at night from work...time to unwind, gets me to bed about 2ish. Doesn't seem to matter what time i go to bed or how tired, appartently i have aquired an internal alarm clock that i've never had before. Once i wake up, that brain of mine starts churning, some mornings i've laid in bed for 1 1/2 hours trying to will myself back to sleep so i can be chipper for the ladies...
I've recently moved, at the beginning of this month. My ex is bent on making my life hell, i really try to send him positive thoughts and see in my minds eye as our relationship being "recovered" so to speak, but i fear that may never come to pass. My youngest daughter lives with him still, i believe only because she's afraid to leave him, he recently phoned my oldest and told her he didn't want anything to do with, that she'd never graduate or amount to anything. Hard to forgive someone who clearly enjoys being an A*****e, how i would sooo love to see him in the program!!
Not sure if i mentioned that i have 2 beautiful daughters, 16 and 11. My oldest moved in with me in the beginning of December, another gift of recovery. Finding true love is in my foresights, i've been caring for 3 plants now and they're living!!! or waiting for love to find me, whichever.
My mom is getting tested for cancer soon, very scary. She is and isn't my favorite person but love her all the same. I haven't seen her for a few years and we live 500 miles apart. With my job now and "real" living expenses( not drugs or alcohol), i don;t see having the money to go see her soon. It took months in recovery before she'd even talk to me.
As my new life unfolds i have probably5-6 using thoughts a day, sometimes more sometimes less. iplay the tape to the end, where it would take me. I lost everything but my life and i'm slowly regaining it. I have no plans for screwing it up. Everytime i think or say that i remember all those times when i was trying to defendmyself after a using spree. i'd say "well i didn't plan it that way!! Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans!!
Anyway i'm going to try to do all that i planned today, can't wait to go to my meeting tonight. i think this one will be my home group and i'm desparately looking for a sponsor and praying God puts one in my path soon.
What i don;t accomplish today i will not fret about, as long as i don;t pick up it should be a great day!!
Thanks for letting me share and please!..have a great sober 24....april 13, 2005, yup 86,400 seconds...i will only live them once!! \\//peace
Yes--the old emotional hangover trick. As long as ive been in the program I still get them.:)
And it took a long time before the thought train slowed down.
We do the best we can, one day at a time. Thats all we can do. We are human.:) Through the twelve steps we put yesterday in yesterday, and live today sober. We show love to others and be there for them if we can.
I used to be very negative and my first thoughts for the day were exactly that.
Its turning our thoughts to positive stuff, and being grateful on a daily basis.
Practicing changing the tapes in our heads instead of replaying the old ones over and over again.
We learn to deal with life on lifes terms, which sometimes isnt easy either.
But are we sober today, and trying? You Betcha!!
You have a great day, and I know I speak for everone here. We care and love you. You are a part of. Its really great to fit, somewhere isnt it? There were a lot of days, that I thought I never did.
Onward we go!!
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
It is April 14 here all ready and I am at the end of my day. Your words nearly convinced me to wake up and enjoy the wee hours...but I am real tired, so the enthusiasm kinda flopped. I will definately come back in in the morning though and greet the day with your bright perspectives. It's nice thinking there is something brilliant waiting for me in the morning that will gaurantee a smile and a surge of inspiration.
It is wonderful to see your progress Wendy. Very real and very strong.
Good to hear your strength too Phil, and you always make me smile.
