Help me be a supportive friend

Angelafriend · Newbie

Help me be a supportive friend

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Hello Angelafriend,
Yes, believe it or not Hallmark does have recovery cards. At least I've seen them here. They are in a very small section, but they are there. Beyond getting him a card, I would keep it simple.

I don't know how serious your relationship is, but if you think it might be a long term one, I would suggest Al-Anon. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Thanks and hope all goes well :42:

-- Edited by Jane05 on Tuesday 24th of March 2009 02:04:43 PM

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Angel!!

Let me second what Jane has suggested with the Al-Anon Family Groups attendance.
There are no guarantees in sobriety. Sobriety does not mean "just not drinking".
Your choice to be in a relationship with a qualified alcoholic is a serious one that
requires that you understand what the disease is about, how it affects the
alcoholic and how it affects all who come into a relationship with one.

smile

cramcj01 · Senior Member

I think that a quiet dinner and card would be a nice idea. If you can't find a recovery card, there's usually a nice selection of inspirational cards that seem to do the trick for different situations ; )

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Mail him a nice anni card and certificate for a good meal while you....Run Angela Run! lol. Don't come back here and say that no one warned you.

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 24th of March 2009 03:21:57 PM

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

StPeteDean wrote:

Mail him a nice anni card and certificate for a good meal while you....Run Angela Run! lol. Don't come back here and say that no one warned you.

Dean

:265:

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Angela. I enjoyed getting birthday cards for two years old & even got one from my boyfriend's Mum who said 'Well done for being good for two years' little does she know ;) No, I'm joking, I have been sober for two years. It is a special time though the years sober 1Day@aTime are really the reward in of themselves :) I'm sure a romantic dinner & a big hug will do just as well as any card & well done to you too. Dean is teasing with you ;) Godbless, Danielle x

Angelafriend · Newbie

Thank you all for your advice (and humor)
~Angela

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Sobrietyspell wrote:

Dean is teasing with you ;) Godbless, Danielle x

Dean is not teasing you. Life is all about choices, which are gambles. Some turn out well, others do not. With that said, chosing to get emotionally (and later financially, genitically...) attached to an alcoholic comes with some perilous odds. Even a recovering alcoholic of 2 years is exremely at risk, as most will go back to drinkng before 5 years sober. I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and it was no picnic. I obviously became one myself and looking back at 2 years sober, my head was still spinning and I wasn't making very good decisions. My emotional maturity at that time (I was 31 yo) was at about that of an 18 yo. I'm glad that I knew that I wasn't ready for a committed relationship (I was divorced) and waited another 3 years, till I had over 5 years. I suggest that you wait till your alcoholic has 5 years before making any serious committments, and really I'd advise you to find yourself a non-alcoholic, to improve the odds of your having a great life for you and your future family. That's what I did.

Dean

Angelafriend · Newbie

Dean, I thank you for looking out for my well being. I am fully prepared to go slowly with him. In fact we've discussed his need to take small steps and I respect that. I am NOT going to run away because he is an alcoholic. He is still a human being. I know that he can relapse even if I don't fully understand what kind of hell that would bring.
Relationships can be difficult and end badly with non-addicts as well. There are no guarantees with anybody.
I care deeply for him and I want to be with him. Abandoning a person because of your own fears is a horrible thing to do. It would damage anybody. I can only imagine that it would take away the value that he is beginning to see in himself and I don't want to do that. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't stay just because leaving would hurt him, but I'm not going to leave out of the fear of what might happen.

I guess what I really need to know is if listening and being patient is enough. Some of you have clearly said, "No", and that I should go to Al-Anon and I may do that. Next issue: in the spirit of "taking it slowly", is that a big step? How would you guys have perceive that at 2 years? If your bf or gf had started going to al-anon after seeing you for 4 months?

Angelafriend · Newbie

Sorry, I hit submit before I was finished.

I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply with your advice and your warnings.
~angela

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I would talk to him about it, assess where your relationship is at and see what he thinks. If you feel you need to do it for you, than it doesn't matter what he thinks. I can't say how I would feel after 2 years, but I think I would be flattered. As far as relationships go, I have a different opinion and I know that other's disagree, I am going to grow in my relationships and I do not agree on dumping someone because they are an alcoholic. I strive to be a healthy person in all areas and that includes relationships. Alcoholics deserve to have healthy partnerships and I do not believe that 5 years of being single is the answer. I do respect the opinion of others though...and I am prepared to find out I am completely wrong down the line.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Angela, I'm not telling you what to do, just giving my opinion based on my childhood, observations over 22 years of going to meetings, and life in general. Believe me you don't have to go to meetings to observe how alcoholism wrecks families. He's probably a great guy, most of us are, when when were sober.

I want to address the phrase "dumping someone". That term implies responsibility for the other person and
conveinently says nothing about the welfare of yourself. It also implies that you're carrying them, how else could you dump them? Same for thinking that you've "Been dumped". Were you being carried emotionaly? We all have free will, and it's a free country, and we are Not responsible for other peoples feelings. It you think you are then do like I did and attend Codependents anonymous for awhile. I used to think a lot differently than I do now. My relationship with myself and my Higher Power took the place of my needy dysfunctional addictive relationships. Only talking about myself here, so no need to get defensive.

A healthy relationship is when two healthy independent, functional people, who are standing on their own two feet emotionally, decide to spend some of their spare time together. People that don't meet that standard should stay out of relationships and work on themselves to feel "complete" beforehand. There are absolutely no guaranties (even if you're married) that one of them won't wake up one day and say "it's been real and nice, but I'd like to be somewhere else now". Both people should be ready and actually anticipate that day, and be ready to thank them for the great times and wish them well in the new journey. I've been married 12 years and in the relationship for 16 and I think about that almost daily, because, like sobriety, relationships are one day at a time. Because of this realistic awareness of mine, I'm able to be grateful and show my gratitude toward my wife every day as if it could be that last, because it damn well could be. Am I prepared for that? You bet.

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Angelafriend wrote:
I guess what I really need to know is if listening and being patient is enough. Some of you have clearly said, "No", and that I should go to Al-Anon and I may do that. Next issue: in the spirit of "taking it slowly", is that a big step? How would you guys have perceive that at 2 years? If your bf or gf had started going to al-anon after seeing you for 4 months?

I wanta talk about this part. LOL

Listening is great and patients is also a very good thing. But - aren't we making it all about him? This is not good for this alkie. I'm still trying remember it's not all about me and sometimes it pretty hard work. People can help me turn into a 2 year old like that.

This brings me to Al-anon, this is how my Al-anon friends say they stay healthy. If my BF, GF, or in my case my husband sat down with me and told me he was going to start going to Al-anon, I think, at first, I'd kinda of freak. The reason for the freak would probably be, "oh my God, what did I do?" - then - I'd think - "they're gonna be in there telling all my business!!". See, it all about me.

If I'm vested in my recovery and I know what I'm getting, which is the best thing thats ever happened to me, why wouldn't I want that for the one I cared about. I have to be careful of my first thoughts. So, I guess, what I might be trying to say is don't take to heart his first reaction.

It's really hard to get over myself sometimes

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Jane05 wrote:

Angelafriend wrote:
I guess what I really need to know is if listening and being patient is enough. Some of you have clearly said, "No", and that I should go to Al-Anon and I may do that. Next issue: in the spirit of "taking it slowly", is that a big step? How would you guys have perceive that at 2 years? If your bf or gf had started going to al-anon after seeing you for 4 months?
I wanta talk about this part. LOL

Listening is great and patients is also a very good thing. But - aren't we making it all about him? This is not good for this alkie. I'm still trying remember it's not all about me and sometimes it pretty hard work. People can help me turn into a 2 year old like that.

This brings me to Al-anon, this is how my Al-anon friends say they stay healthy. If my BF, GF, or in my case my husband sat down with me and told me he was going to start going to Al-anon, I think, at first, I'd kinda of freak. The reason for the freak would probably be, "oh my God, what did I do?" - then - I'd think - "they're gonna be in there telling all my business!!". See, it all about me.

Thanks Jane, good point. Also Alanon really doesn't have anything to do with the alcoholic. It's a program designed to Help the Alanon (or codependent if you will) to treat their disease, which is generaly "Control" or being compliant (doormat). Typically "normal" people don't fall in love with alcoholics. 95 times out a hundred, it's a codependent who's had alcoholic parent (Doll will be in here to me otherwise shortly lol) that do. And they'll pick one after another. They choose alcoholics because it's familiar.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Sorry if I spoke for you there, Dean. I thought your manner was being facetiously mean for a kindly fun. You can be so forthright sometimes! Of course, there are risks involved & you always take the long view with no soft soaping. I do admire that as I can be Pollyannic & sometimes more interested in trying to help somone feel better which could be my emotional immaturity at 2.5yrs sobriety with some clear needs to go to Al Anon & Codependents Anonymous myself ;) lol

That aside I want to say that I speak from the point of view of someone who has entered into a committed relationship with a fellow recoveree early after 18mths sobriety & he 8mths. I was a high bottom & he a hopeless case but we have both turned around with full use of what's on offer in recovery & will be celebrating our 1st year April 4th. It has been like heaven. We both work hard on our emotional stability & neither of us is the other's Higher Power. This is crucial & a secret to our so far success. The other key is balance & to concentrate on our own lives first & foremost.

Angela, to return to your original request for help I would say if you want to go to al anon to learn about yourself then do it for you. If you look after you first then it will more than likely follow that you'll be supportive of your new friend in a healthy way. If you have any underlying needs to caretake for someone else, these are interesting things to know about yourself & be able to grow from. I know that in the past & generally I have had many issues to do with control & have wanted to be looked after at times too. It's important to get the balance of looking after myself right so that I don't fall into either of these old behaviours myself.

So, forgive me for stating the obvious, your primary focus has to be you & if you gained a program for yourself it would help to achieve that too. I haven't been to Al Anon myself yet so I can't comment about it but your post & its replies have helped me think some more about it as I have been considering going to help give my recovery perhaps a fuller perspective. Let us know how it all goes for you. I hope we've been of some help. There is an Al Anon message board on this forum too where you might get some more insight. Goodluck with that if you choose to use it :) Godbless, Danielle x

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Wednesday 25th of March 2009 08:03:47 PM