I'm so angry right now and just tired of this life at the moment. Anyone ever feel like it would just be infinitely better to just not BE, just *poof*. Some philosopher once said that true Nirvana is a state of not being. Writing this thread seems rather retarded but if I'm gonna slam the keys might as well be in a recovery room rather than just my own "poor me" journal. And, I know this won't change anything cause I think I know what people will say...but whatever. I was actually feeling grateful earlier today, and just well overall but its like a switch goes off in my head when I get back to my apartment sometimes and it starts to get late at night. Some nights I feel great and look forward to a sober day of progress, and then sometimes (like tonight) just feels like- whoopty friggin doo, I get to be depressed again tomorrow and act like I have humility and act like I am spiritual and maybe even post some positive drivel as if i mean it. It can be as stupid as (tonight for instance) watching "An Officer and a Gentleman" and during a bar scene realizing I can never actually "celebrate" like they were doing, can't ever have that "two sheets to the wind" mentality...and yeah, I know I can't celebrate like that and be happy but still gets to me like I'll just be some poor excuse for a monk the rest of my life, half crazy and depressed.
I supposedly have a sponsor but we have spoken in weeks and it just feels like I've used up all my bitch points with him, or relapse points, and if I called him right now (which i won't) he would just say the phrase which I hate the most: "Well Adam, maybe you need to go get drunk" Yeah, thats a thing to say right? It's like screw the support or talking thing, he doesn't believe talking to me is any good anymore...he is only willing to work the steps with me no ifs ands or buts about it. I don't know what I expect from this post.
Hey Adam Im sure almost every one of us can relate to how you were feeling last night...Ive been there plenty of times and thought..screw it, who the heck will care if I drink today! But in the end, I would care. I worked so hard to stay sober and know that one drink leads to another and another and another, and for me there is no coming back!
I recall a day not long ago ...I was mopping the kitchen floor, tears streaming down my face and the thought of getting hammered was so strong...I felt so sad, alone, mad, empty...After about two hours of this poor me shit...I called my sponsor and as soon as I heard her voice..I was filled with such relief..nothing really even had to be said except Im struggling...
The most important thing that I am learning today is that this program is a "WE" program. By reaching out to other people and really, I mean REALLY being honest with them and telling them where my head is, is the most helpful thing of all...Chances are pretty good that they have either been there themselves or are currently having the same feelings.... even if there is no solution at that time, at least I know I am not alone...OR CRAZY!!!
You dont only need to reach out to your sponsor..use him to guide you through the steps...but find yourself a good support system, yes that would mean friends (lol-were so good at THAT one!!!) They are certainly my saviors through the good and the bad!!!! Today is a new day...Down on your knees, pray for "his" will and have a great one!!!!!!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
You might get all in your head thinking "I don't care if I get drunk any more" and "my sponsor doesn't care" BUT, it isn't really true. I can tell you just for myself I CARE that you don't get drunk and I only know you just a fraction from this board. I really do care and would not like to see a post about more pain you suffered from the disease. Granted, I would understand if you went through that, but I care enough about you to not want that for you. Now, the next time you feel this way, please try and imagine all the other people that care about you feeling just the way I do, because they do. Even if you don't believe it, don't believe you deserve it, don't believe you can be really happy, just believe others believe it can and will happen for you. Lani said it best, it's a WE program and we want to see you get better. Take care Dods. You are loved.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm hoping saying "Good Morning" will be alright. There have been days I've wanted to cut people's tongues out for being happy. I do know where you are. I hear others call it the early sobriety roller coaster. And I still have days where one minute I'm feeling just great and the next I want to go *poof* too. For me, some of the times it was because I wasn't practicing HALT.
What you shared about watch that movie and realizing you'd never be able to drink like that is, to me, a good thing. No non-reality for you. You know! And that progress some of us never get. Everything you're feeling and thinking is not new. Been there, done that. It just doesn't happen as often as it use to. Yes--It does get better. If I just don't drink. Promise!!
I don't like to talk about sponsoring too much, because sometimes it feels like I'm telling my sponsee's stuff and that's not a good thing--sometimes. But--I going to share how I'm sponsored and how I sponsor. My number one responsibility to you is to help you work the steps. Guide you. I don't have a therapist license and there's a lot of damage I could do if I tried. I can show you what step applies in a situation and you can, from there, make some choices.
My sponsees call me once a week, at a certain time, whether we need to talk or not and it's their responsibility to call me. I don't chase anyone down. A sponsee's actions tell me if they want what I have or not. If you haven't read it, the pamphlet on Sponsorship is great. I also suggest talking with other alkies. Preferably those who seem to be staying sober. I can't have too many friends in the program. I will also call someone who is new or struggling to see how they are. You know talk about their stuff.
I don't know about your sponsor, but mine and several members believe, and it's in the Big Book, about not standing in the way of an alcoholic and his bottom. I can't get anyone sober and I can't keep them sober. In other words, I'm not God.
Thank you for sharing honestly and taking me back to not so long ago. I need to remember where I came from.
Did we say what you thought we were going to say?
And if no one's told you they love you today, let me be the first.
-- Edited by Jane05 on Friday 20th of March 2009 07:58:39 AM
I know the movie, know the scene in fact I've been there and done that. I don't know how it feels because I wasn't having any reel feelings at the time. I had stopped having feelings when I was 11 and didn't start having feelings again until I was sober about a year. Feelings can be a bitch some times. Now I just see feelings as a meter. My feeling meter tells me where my mind has been while I wasn't paying attention. If you don't like what you are feeling, change your thinking. Situations, people, places and things don't make us feel. What we think about situations, people, places and things is what makes us feel. The steps cause us to change our thinking.
Dods, Thank you for the post and honesty. Some great feedback here. I went through the same thing in my recovery... still do if I'm not in the middle of the program. For me, when I'm feeling grateful for my well being and close to the program I survive these flashes and brush them off as being an alcoholic... It happens to all of us. It sounds like you may be at a spot I was at not long ago... Until I was fully willing to commit to the program... phoning my sponsor on a regular basis, step work, meetings, fellowship and daily pray...... These flashes of alcohol use and my diesase would eat away at me for long periods of time.. not good for an alcoholic. I'm reminded that it's the only diesase that tells us we don't have it! Remember: this to shall pass.......
Hey...we'll I hope you made it through the night without a drink. Sounds to me that maybe you need to get a different sponsor. Not everyone is going to "fit" our personality and/or situation. To me, a good sponsor would have offered (or demanded : ) to visit you.
The thing that gets to me is when people tell me to "join a book club, go bowling, find a hobby, go to the movies." Those are all awesome ideas, and I enjoy them. But, I can't go to a movie at 1 am when I get all the texts from my friends. "Im at the blah blah blah bar....come out....." and so on. If your anything like me, that's where I start to get frustrated. I still get a good feeling when the weekend comes around. I still want to do those things. And it's very hard to get a new group of friends right away.
But here's what I did.....waited it out a little, enjoyed the time alone, at home. Sometimes it's boring, so boring. But something will start changing in your head. I COMPLETELY understand when you said that you watched a bar scene on a movie and realized that you can never do that again. It felt for me like I lost my best friend, and nothing was going to be fun again. Drinking is the only time I could come out of my shell. I still struggle with that. But it starts getting better. Its slow...but sure. And new interests start to develop. Hope that reassures you a little....
Well, you folks didn't say what I thought you'd say. For some reason I had it in my head that you all would stone me or something, ridicule my program or my sobriety, and you didn't thank you. Not sure why I thought you would do that since you have all been really helpful from day 1, but that is just what I think most of the time for some reason. Pinkchip, your words are very kind and sweet, thank you for the support.
Something about that movie really got to me last night. It sounds childish but I soo want to be Richard Gere in that movie, living an exciting life, in love, AND being able to drink ( of course). Right now, my life is boring and I'm unhappy and I cannot share my life with anyone that isn't in recovery right now because of all my issues (poor me right?)
I can't differentiate what is real and what I'm just imagining with regards to my sponsor. Is he right, am I? He is a good man, and at one time he showed great support for me, and like pinkchip said, its probably not true that he doesn't care, but I can't get past this feeling of resentment/or that he just doesn't care. I see him at meetings (like last night) and we don't speak let alone make eye contact. He is probably just letting me decide how to go forward with the relationship, but if its left to me, I will invariably just walk away without saying anything like I usually do. I don't know what to believe sometimes.
I'm going to double dip here. What would it hurt to share with your sponsor, kind of, what you have shared with us? With the help of others, I've been able to take things, that were eating my lunch, about my sponsor, to her. We were able to talk them out and our understanding of each other has grown. It was no way the easiest thing I've ever done, but my respect for her grew and I believe her respect for me.
Dodsworth wrote: I can't differentiate what is real and what I'm just imagining with regards to my sponsor. Is he right, am I? He is a good man, and at one time he showed great support for me, and like pinkchip said, its probably not true that he doesn't care, but I can't get past this feeling of resentment/or that he just doesn't care. I see him at meetings (like last night) and we don't speak let alone make eye contact. He is probably just letting me decide how to go forward with the relationship, but if its left to me, I will invariably just walk away without saying anything like I usually do. I don't know what to believe sometimes.
Wow! how did I miss this thread? Dodsworth, Deafhawk implied more or less what I'm going to say. You can't trust your feelings right now, and may never trust them enough to react to them. My first and greatest sponsor John used to tell me that "feelings are not facts" and I'd add that most often, in early sobriety especially, feelings are inappropriate in a number of ways: late, early, wrong person, wrong context, oversensitive.....A lot of times your buttons (that you don't even know that you have) are getting pushed and the current situation (which isn't crucial) is just reminding you of some unresolved situation in the past and that's why it doesn't make any sense right now. I'm not saying to ignore your feelings, just saying do not make decisions based on them. Consider yourself as being in a kind of probationary period in a new job, where you just got to keep your head down (watching for incoming shells) and "muddle trudge" through the bodies, and there will be bodies as 19 others will have to leave to make room for your permanent seat (one day at a time) in sobriety.
If you're not feeling well use the tools that the program gives you like H.A.L.T. I usually stop what I'm doing, call someone, get something to eat, get to a meeting, get some rest and/or do something to relieve my stress: take a walk in the woods or down by the water, take a bike ride, listen to some soothing music, breathing exercises, or watch the military channell lol. Say the serenity prayer and "this too shall pass". Everything has a beginning, middle, and an end, good or bad. Like the weather in the mountains: "don't like the weather? just wait a minute". And the greatest tool, you can start your day over anytime, just take 10 deep breathes and say "It's a new day"
When I used to call my sponsor, in a funk like that, he's ask me how many meetings was I attending per week (which usually was not many that week) and he'd say "you need to up your meetings". I wasn't staying sober for more than 2 months at that time. I finally resolved that I needed to go to a meeting every day, and did for the first 3.5 years. That shut up my sponsor about that at least . Thanks John, wherever your are. The guy had 23 years and had quit smoking at the same time he'd gotten sober (like I did). He got lung cancer and passed just before my 3rd anniversary.
Dodsworth, If you don't think that you can call your sponsor, then maybe it's time to start looking for another one. Don't get me wrong here, if you choose to do this, get a new one before you quit utilizing your current one.
Dean
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 21st of March 2009 05:15:10 AM
There have been days I've wanted to cut people's tongues out for being happy. I do know where you are. I hear others call it the early sobriety roller coaster. And I still have days where one minute I'm feeling just great and the next I want to go *poof* too. For me, some of the times it was because I wasn't practicing HALT.
Until I was fully willing to commit to the program... phoning my sponsor on a regular basis, step work, meetings, fellowship and daily pray...... These flashes of alcohol use and my diesase would eat away at me for long periods of time.. not good for an alcoholic. I'm reminded that it's the only diesase that tells us we don't have it!
