Continued.....

cramcj01 · Senior Member

Continued.....

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Crystal,

this is probably one of the reason that it's strongly suggested to stay out of relationships in your first year. Yet you are confounded about it and seem stubbornly set on being with this guy even though (he doesn't seem too bright

) his inappropriate comments and opinions about two medical conditions that you have are a.) inaccurate despite him not having being educated about either, b.) his comments, that are in contrast to the medical advise and treatment, are detrimental to your health c.) His comments are more than subtly demeaning (shaming) to your character, in that they suggest that you don't have a disease, it's just a case of weak will on your part.

I can't think of any better reasons for a recovering alcoholic and someone who suffers from seizures, to get away from someone. My wife has diabetes type one, has to take 4 or 5 shots of insulin a day. Imagine if I told her that she didn't need those shots, that the time it took and the cost of the medication was too high, or that the American Medical Association is just flat out wrong about diabetes? Do you think that she would live very long if she listened to me? Do you think that she would've married me, as she was diabetic when I met her?

Before you compare out, this is very good analogy. You have a disease that you need to treat. This disease is the only one that tells you "that you don't have disease". We call this denial. We go to meetings to overcome denial and remind ourselves that we have a disease and that we can't drink. Can't you see that listening to someone, on a regular basis, say that you don't have a disease, is very detrimental to your recovery? Why don't you do yourself and your recovery a favor and do what is suggested? Ask yourself why you Have To be in a relationship when it's not recommended

You can't make a decision to hang on to a relationship because someone is very good at some aspects biggrin

of the relationship if other things they do are unacceptable. Doing so involves several of the characteristics of Codependency. Here's a partial list of these.
http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php

Dakota · Senior Member

"I get so angry about it....grrrrr............deep down I just feel like he thinks I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. He kind of acts the same with my seizure medication. He says I'm fine, why should I have to keep taking it. Part of me just wishes he could have seen them. I think then he would be reminding me to take it every monring!

I'm 6 months sober tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Red flags going up and alarms sounding off!!

StPeteDean said it extremely well.

And you are 6 mos sober tomorrow? This is so important, life saving for you -and how will he share in understanding anything at this rate!

Hope you make the right decisions, you do know what you really need so do not put that valuable knowledge under the rug. You know what you know, don't try to change it. As you said you know how angry and frustrated you are. There is viable reason for it.

Prayers going up for you.

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

The people in my life, who don't get it, just don't get it. I do not try to explain it to them. If they want me to stay sober and happy they don't interfere with what I have to do. If they do, they haven't stayed in my life. They also don't have to agree with "the facts". This is where the saying "do you want to be right or happy?" comes in. In my life today, I love and get along with a lot of people by just agreeing to disagree.

Just leave it be

See you tomorrow when you're 6 month!!!!!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Crystal,

I was just thinking that this would be an excellent topic to bring up in a AA meeting, when the leader asks if anyone has a topic, and/or with your sponsor. The more opinions the better.

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 21:58, 2009-03-10

cramcj01 · Senior Member

I think I am going to bring it up at a meeting. I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks now....but it usually takes me that long to get up the courage : ). I'm not at all stuck on staying with this guy. We've just been dating a few months. But isn't it asking a lot to expect that he should already know about the disease?

Dakota · Senior Member

cramcj01 wrote:

I think I am going to bring it up at a meeting. I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks now....but it usually takes me that long to get up the courage : ). I'm not at all stuck on staying with this guy. We've just been dating a few months. But isn't it asking a lot to expect that he should already know about the disease?

It isn't a lot to ask that after a few months that he would have been doing some new learning.

Bringing it to the meeting is a fantastic idea. That is probably a great way to get the courage you want and dearly need !

I think you will do very well .

best,

Dakota

PS congrats on your sobriety for 6 monthes~~

biggrin

-- Edited by Dakota at 11:10, 2009-03-11

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I started dating someone at 2 and a half months and am coming up on 6 months soon also. With that said, I do understand why it is not recommended, but only you know what is right and wrong for you and when this relationship might interfere with your sobriety. I can only speak for myself when I say I recognize I have dependency/codependency issues and that is why I go to therapy, continue to attend meetings on the other 6 days out of the week and keep AA as # 1. I started doing service and no matter what goes on my commitment to AA has GOT to be stronger than any other commitment I have. I am no good in any relationship if I relapse. When I started dating this guy, I made it very clear I would not be around alcohol, I went to meetings and AA would always come first, and that my recovery was central. He has supported that but not in a codependent way. So, in that aspect, things seem to be working for now. When I started dating him, it was sort of out of a place of weakness and fear of being lonely. Either way, I didn't drink so maybe I needed that. I continue to work on myself and recognize I am not taking any hostage in this relationship and I constantly keep myself in check by knowing that if this relationship ends at any time, I will be fine. I stay as honest as possible and tell this guy some of the stories of how I was so he knows what would happen if I drank. In some ways, I think he wishes he had a fellowship and a program like I do. I'm sure others will say this is wrong what I am doing, but I take it a day at a time and it's all good for now. It is enough to accept that you are an alcoholic without people throwing labels of codependent at you. Just be aware, focus on your recovery and everything else will fall into place. I personally know I am changing drastically for the better. Had I continued to overpathologize my relationship tendencies I would have stayed miserable for even longer. I accept that I have to work some of this stuff out still, but not everything changes at once.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

pinkchip wrote:

. I can only speak for myself when I say I recognize I have dependency/codependency issues and that is why I go to therapy, continue to attend meetings on the other 6 days out of the week and keep AA as # 1. I started doing service and no matter what goes on my commitment to AA has GOT to be stronger than any other commitment I have. I am no good in any relationship if I relapse. When I started dating this guy, I made it very clear I would not be around alcohol, I went to meetings and AA would always come first, and that my recovery was central.
______________________________________________________
That's setting boundaries and keeping your priorities in the right place, good work!

"It is enough to accept that you are an alcoholic without people throwing labels of codependent at you. Had I continued to overpathologize my relationship tendencies I would have stayed miserable for even longer. I accept that I have to work some of this stuff out still, but not everything changes at once."

Who's "throwing labels"? We're all codependents, to an extent, on this bus. I challenge anyone to look at those characteristics and not indentify with a few of them.
There's always work to do. Alcoholism is a "primary disease". Whether we ever "recover" is debatable. But like other primary diseases, 5 years (one day at a time) is the measuring stick, as 95% drop out before that point. I've seen dozens of a AAs with over 10 years go out over relationships. It's the number one (by far) cause of relapse amongst AAs with over 5 years. So no matter how many years you have, you're playing with fire, and any help that we can get with relationships is good thing. btw equating misery with staying single might be placing happiness with something outside of yourself.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 14th of March 2009 08:45:58 AM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I agree Dean and I wasn't saying you were throwing labels. It's just that this one issue has caused more dissension and friendships to end than anything in the fellowship I'm in. Mostly from people talking about each other, who is dating who, and why it is wrong and will never work out for them. Nobody knows so why do people leap all over that shit? From my short time in AA I can see that it is a large cause of relapse, BUT relationships are a part of life and living life on life's terms. Yes, I could be happy single (I was probably not up to that challenge a few months ago, but what happened happened). Heartache would naturally be the number 1 cause of relapse because it is the most personal and difficult thing we seem to go through in life repeatedly (our moms don't die everyday, we dont get fired every day, but people generally are in and out of relationships every day). I'm guessing we figure we can get drunk, go to the bar, get numb, not feel bad about break ups, plus meet someone new at the same time. I can see how it could be such an easy way out. Personally, I know I would sit at the bar and cry and hook up with some ugly dude and be even more pathetic...been there done that. About this post though, I think all of us would agree it's best to be with someone that supports and understands what is important and healthy for us as individuals. I don't think a nonalcoholic partner will ever understand the disease the way we do, but they at least need to acknowledge it and it's treatment.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

It's true, that whats keeps some of us sober may get others drunk. But the only reason that people make comments about this kind of stuff is that they care.