I went back to my home group last night for the first time since my relapse, and that was really, really tough. I was so full of resentment and fear I wanted to RUN the hell out. It meets three nights a week, and I think I am going to trim my attendance down to 1 night a week (Monday night, the 12/12, the quietest one). Fortunately I live in an area where there are lots of meetings to choose from, so I can go to different ones.
I don't know where to talk about the ugly, crazy stuff going on in my head right now. I mean, I will talk to my sponsor about it so that isn't entirely true...There is a lot on my chest, about relapsing, about what lead up to the it, about how I'm feeling afterward.
I want to keep using this forum but I feel too untrustworthy to offer experience strength and hope, and too proud to talk about whats bothering me.
Great to see you back. I can relate to all of the crazy stuff in the head. I find myself, sometimes even when alone, with so much dialog going on upstairs. I seem to dwell on drama too, even to the extent of involving myself in business that I don't belong in. That's when I put the brakes on and take a step back. Time out. Same with resentments (reliving the events and emotions time and time again). They are toxic, make me crazy and in most cases are all in my head only, the other person has moved on. I always tell myself, let it go, it's not worth it. Easier said than done, I know. I remember a guy wronged me bigtime and my sponsor told me to pray for the guy. I know all about that now but at the time, I thought my sponsor was nuts!!! (please let the guy get hit by a bus today was what I wanted). It's not necessarily you experience strength and hope you are offering at this point, more like how you feel about stuff, it's great to get it out and we are not here to judge you, therefore please don't be too "proud" to share, it's how we heal around here. Keep coming back!
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Another one of my character defects is self destruction. Once I understood that resentments were one of the things killing me I became willing to practice letting go. It was that same thing I use to do with a drink. Make me mad, hurt me , here I'm going to drink at you. Today instead of drinking I can let that person, place, or things, rule my thoughts for days. It wasn't hurting them, but I was killing me.
"Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else." Big Book pg 64
Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving others and ourselves and they don't punish the other person; they punish us. We're the only ones who know they exist.
I had to work really hard on letting go of my resentments or they were going to lead me to pick up a drink again.
Share with your sponsor how you are feeling and work on what is suggested to you.
And, please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
