Dealing with Disagreeable People has been brought up here a time or two and it can be a frequent topic of a couple of my friends.It also comes up pretty regularly in AA meetings I attend.
The problems - dealing with disagreeable people.Whether they are spouses, ex-spouses, parents, siblings, neighbors, bosses, customers, co-workers, etc... Whatever the relationship, I can find myself reacting to them in unpleasant ways, leaving me with fear, resentment, bitterness, disgust, and/or anxiety. I keep trying new ways to deal with them, and nothing seems to work.
How can I deal with disagreeable people effectively while protecting my sobriety and my mental well-being? The Twelve Steps have really helped me in this area.The first thing for me to remember is that the problem is me, not the other person. This is spelled out in the "Twelve and Twelve"---where it says whenever we're disturbed, we're at fault. This tells me that I set myself up. People press my buttons, but I put the buttons there.
I can get these people out of my life by moving, getting a divorce, or quitting my job, but the surprising thing is that I might meet the same kinds of people in any new situation. I don't solve my problems by running away from them.
The Program's answer is to put on my spiritual armor. I turn all of these people and problems over to my Higher Power, understanding that they have rights also and are children of God just as I am. I should also search for anything I might be doing that feeds the problem. I might be expecting too much from others and of myself. But as I change my own thinking, my relationships must also change.
If you care to share, how have you dealt with disagreeable people?
Synergy Institute is something I just found out about and it has wonderful course style tactics to alter the course of events that have been a problem in communicating with certain individuals. I think that they are good enough that in even the most odd of people with mental issues, this stuff may become effective as you learn .
You are right, if you keep running away/ quitting, we learn absolutely nothing. But it is practically guaranteed that you will bump into the same or similar situation again. Sometimes worse!
At present I am not doing well with a particular individual. I have been targeted from day 1 with her and although I have stuck with it, it is starting to become incredibly weary for me. If I quit, I lose. I lose out on the thing I have been working hard at and appear to others whom may (or may not) look for my help and can use my support. (it really sucks, can I say that?)
Anyhoo, I am going to pray on this thing and I am looking at this stuff I just found and hopefully over a little time, things may turn around. and I am thinking that it will. And perhaps I will be able to carry my new learned techniques around with me to other situations when they occur.
I feel better now ; )
editing in:
I am actually kind of looking forward to the next blow out because I need to try out my new weapons of healing !! lol
My Higher Power knows that I don't hear very well so I am told things I need to learn many times. One of the themes recently is the power of forgiveness. I used to think of forgiveness as rolling over, being beaten... Now, I see it as saying "I'm not giving you space in my head for free." or "I'm not going to take this poison expecting you to die." It doesn't mean that it is OK for somebody to abuse me, it only means that I am stopping the flow of energy out of me.
That leads me to my second thought. People play "control dramas". (This is in the book (The Celestine Prophecy") When people feel they are not getting enough energy, the try to steel it from other people. They do that by playing control dramas. There are four basic control dramas in the book and an infinite number of combinations and permutations in the world. 1.) Poor me, 2.) Interrogator - ask you questions so that they can criticize the answer, 3.) Intimidator, 4.) Aloof - makes you come to them so they can steel your energy. When you identify the control drama, you can rise above it.
Part of the problem with forgiving others is that sometimes you don't know what the heck is driving them, and sometimes we really don't want to know! That empathy thing is a bugger.
With forgiveness, you don't have to forget . But rather give it up to God. But it is near impossible if we don't practice empathy. That one is the key to understanding that even if it makes zero sense to you what and why somebody acted in an unforgiving way, you can kind of get a grasp of that person's angst, his folly and his pov that may just be distorted or not, but it is his and not yours. So, it can be real difficult to get to the forgiveness point unless you shove your own big fat ego out of the way first and get some empathy concentration on it.
And then when that process is complete, you may or may not wish to continue any kind of relationship with that person. Sometimes you have to in the case of say a job. And it can be super effort if she is your boss. Oh yea.
Thanks for all the great info!!! Needed that today! I guess my problem is having the faith that the above suggestions will even work, or more importantly, do I even WANT them to work!!!
But as I have learned from the experience of others before me...all this "AA" stuff does work...IF you work it!!! IF you want it!!!! So, I am closer to having faith that the suggestions do and can work and life can be PEACHY for all!!!!!!
Im going to check out "Celestine Prophecy"-looks intriguing!!! Thanks....
Also wanted to add: I thought "where it says whenever we're disturbed, we're at fault. " I thought that meant something is wrong with me....I think it actually means there is something wrong with how I respond or act on what is disturbing me???????? Am I correct in assuming this!!!!????? thoughts appreciated!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Lani, the spiritual axiom of whenever we are hurt or affected by another's attitude or actions means for me that my defects have been aggravated to want to attack or defend in the name of my Self which can separate me from the bigger picture of e.g. that other person being entitled or having their reasons to be or to do as they are & that I am best not to react in anger as this is like a mini insanity for me. My immediate feelings can be flushed & heated into my wanting to win out some kind of scenario where I get to dominate or prove this offending person wrong.
Obviously, I am not God & the universe does not & will not revolve around my views & ideas. I cannot change the other person I can change me. This axiom has been difficult for me to understand at times. Also because I can be dishonest & people pleasing that ultimately it gives me the better chioice of being able to set a boundary or say what I do not want to accept so that the other person can then make another choice based on what my response has been. For me this spiritual axiom lets me grow up & mature through situations where I expand my heart & mind to either accept or to grow in strength in standing up for myself in respectful & diplomatic ways.
Very deep & disciplined spiritual stuff this! I'm glad to be reminded of those power dramas. I read The Celestine Prophecy at the age of 22 in Oct 99 just under 10yrs ago. I would like to rescan this book for its principles knowing today what I know now! Thanks for being here & adding to MIP, Greg.
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thanks Danielle I loved what you shared..."For me this spiritual axiom lets me grow up & mature through situations where I expand my heart & mind to either accept or to grow in strength in standing up for myself in respectful & diplomatic ways."
For me this is a huge part of my recovery!!!!! ACCEPT and GROW!!!! Thank you so much for your input!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Wow, great stuff guys! When I get into a spot like that, I am training myself to ask myself "how would a ZEN master handle this?" I hate reliving past emotions, I get way too "spiritually compromised" when I engage in conflict and I can easily just react to a situation instead of dealing with it sensibly. We all know how resentments affect us while in recovery. I can't afford to give anybody the "power" over my emotional state. I know I will never get perfect at this but I must at least be aware of it when it is happening, this is an area for me that I always have the most difficulty ( and can get me drunk if I let it )
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
This is a huge problem for me and threat to my sobriety. IF only I could win every argument and laugh at others' confidence, or not feel threatened by someone's lack of humility. Unfortunately, none of the above is true and I have to rely on spiritual strength to forget the ego, "Live and Let Live" kinda thingy. Boy, its been hard the last few days (lots of yummy confrontation) but a calmer perspective is always what is needed for me in those situations, and I got through them recently with the help of the fellowship and my hp. Anyways, thanks for the great thread and insights! Peace.
Also wanted to add: I thought "where it says whenever we're disturbed, we're at fault. " I thought that meant something is wrong with me....I think it actually means there is something wrong with how I respond or act on what is disturbing me???????? Am I correct in assuming this!!!!????? thoughts appreciated!
Lani- that's the "spiritual axiom" in step 10 12 & 12 book. And I think that the "something is wrong with me" comes before being "angrey at someone else". We're making them the immediate object of our personal disatisfaction. They, are but a lightening rod, in the wrong place at the wrong time and get zapped. And unfortunately they tend to zap back, causing us more pain. It's so much easier to tell that person "not now, I'm not feel real good, let's talk about it later" It works every time.
