I have been doing a lot of pondering on how I became a substance abuse therapist who is also an alcoholic and has major problems with self esteem and self-care. I came into AA with a very deep understanding and knowledge that the life I was leading was complete hypocrisy and there was a drastic need to change my psyche (as the big book says in the Doctor's opinion I believe). I did not know that AA was going to fuel this change, but I am glad it has. I put down the bottle and have been working so hard on myself. I finally took the step to go into therapy for myself, which was hard because I think I already know everything a therapist would tell me because I am one. Anyhow, I know now that I have deep seated issues with not being good enough, feeling inferior, and people pleasing. For the last 15 years I have worked and worked to help others and then when I am not at work, I expect others to take care of me. I literally would come home from work and expect to be coddled, listened to, and validated because that is much of what I do for others all day long. This led me into such a state of dependency in all my relationships that I became completely child-like. I expected my partners to always be aware of my feelings and to be completely devoted to listening to me, validating me, and loving me so that I could go on doing what I do every day. I expected friends to only listen to me and validate my feelings. Hence, the only friends that I have really had, have been other therapists. I only gave back in terms of being a therapist to them also and there were no boundaries and I couldn't really be friends with regular people. I expected my parents to care for me also and tell me how proud of me they were for helping others and to then respond by taking care of me (managing finances, bailing me out of jams, constantly being there as I threw my hands up and refused to take care of myself). This pattern of existence was ultimately so destructive because nobody would ever take care of me the way I wanted. I became resentful towards everyone for not validating my feelings and giving me the self-esteem I didn't have. As a result, I would make myself even more pitiful, subconsciously thinking that this would result in them obviously leaping into the caretaking mode I wanted from them. I became a reckless alcoholic, constantly screaming for help and attention, while still going to work and helping others. So, here I am, living on my own and there is really nobody to take care of me. I admitted I was an alcoholic and my parents have backed off enabling me somewhat. I now need to learn how to care for myself, to feel good about myself, and to not depend on or expect others to do this for me simply because I help other people all day long. Life does not work that way. The shift in trying to become what I want to be is so difficult and I constantly slip back into old modes of thinking. I have shared that I have the biggest martyr complex have been squeezing the misery out of that lifestyle for years. I have core issues that I can't take care of myself and shouldn't have to. I need to let this go. I am trying to hand over the old me to god and allow the new me to develop, but the process is so much slower than I want (I also know that there were and are good parts of me that don't need to change and that I just need to feel good about on my own). I want to understand taxes and my mortgage and to be able to be in a mature relationship as an adult right away, but still am learning day by day. Anyhow, the fact that I started this means that I can't give up. I can't go back or I will fall flatter on my face than I ever have. This is why I don't drink a day at a time. This is why my emotions are all over the map. I want this change so bad, but time takes time. People tell me I am already radically different than the way I was, but I don't recognize it and don't give myself credit. I am working on it. Knowing that this change is so necessary means that I cannot drink....Hence, about 5 months have passed and my program is working, but it's difficult. I don't drink because I want this change so bad. AA is about change, my fellow alcoholics are there to see me through it. I am intensely grateful I have the rooms, this board, and my sponsor to guide me through this period of radical change. Thank you for letting me share here.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Pinkchip, Thank you for the honest sharing. You helped me this morning. I've been in my own head and feeling like I've taken a few steps backwards in my recovery. Some days I feel confident that I've turned my will and life over to the care of god and have serenity and peace with a clear mind. Other days my mind is clutter and feel like I have no serenity and peace eventhough I feel I've turned my will over... I to have dependency and self esteem issue. Your post was a good reminder that I'm not alone. It was also educational to me. Thank you.
Even though your change seems slow, it is really real! Fast changes don't seem to work for me either. I like the fact that you are taking the bull by the horns with things in your life that matter.
Wow, awesome share! I could relate to it so much being a "caregiver-nurse" myself...wow, you summed it up! Sometimes quickly, sometimes "Lani" lol None of this is possible without my HP and Ive come to accept the fact that all will happen in His time....PERIOD!! Nice that others are seeing the change in you and before you know it...you'll see and feel it too!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I've heard that one so many times Dean....sigh. In actuality, my schooling and education has wound up screwing me up more because I know symptoms and so forth for every mental illness and at one time or other I have convinced myself I have almost every one. Furthermore, I know I should engage in positive self-talk. I know that the idea that I am a bad person and that I can't take care of myself is a cognitive distortion and is easily disputed by the evidence of what I actually do in my life, but it doesn't seem to help. I can go psychoanalytic and recognize that my mother is intensely critical and I therefore internalized her critical nature into a harshly punitive superego that beats myself up all the time and tells me I am not able to do things for myself. I can recognize that by birth order, being the youngest and the baby of the family has created some of this. Regardless, it does not make the feelings go away. When I do therapy and tell other people these things about themselves, it's like they never heard it before. Basically, it feels like a curse to always be in tune with and having empathy for others at the expense of myself. Only action and walking through these fears is going to result in a change. Also the really wicked substance abuse got going after I'd already been through college and was mostly through graduate school in psychology...Not to mention I studied alcoholism in detail in graduate school and only used that knowledge to convince myself I was not an alcoholic because I only drank "every other" day for the longest time, I wouldn't get DTs, and I didn't have any destructive or negative consequences until the last few months (or so I thought). Also males are supposed to be the type 1 alcoholic that is angry, emotionally stunted, and easily annoyed by others and it is usually passed from father to son...and females are the overdramatic depressed type that drink over such intense relationship problems and neuroticism and they have less genetic predisposition. I figured I was a guy and didn't have a dad as an alcoholic...so.... I now know that I pretty much fall into the female category here (even though I am totally manly and butch in my demeanor lol)...go figure.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Should be some kind of respite, retreat kind of course/ vacation for any health care worker. People burn out from these kinds of jobs because they don't get any reinforcement or feel support after expending a lot of mental / and or physical energy on healing up patients.
Don't we feel better when we know we're not alone in these kinds of stresses. Not getting validation makes health profession far more draining.
Amen Dakota...not to be on the pity pot, but often health care workers seem to get exploited. People in administration are so gangbuster this and that, change this and that every other day, and all they care about is passing audits and making money. Hence, they make these ridiculous demands regarding paper work and criticize you if you do not do it perfectly. The motto of my department is "nothing can be late and it's the quality stupid" I am not joking, it is written on every agenda. It doesn't say "Help kids" or "Be a good therapist" anywhere. So messed up. Another thing is that programs for kids are shutting down right and left, so there is SOOOO much pressure to be the best to stay open. If more programs close for juveniles it will just wind up with all of them getting direct filed as adults into the county jails or they will be stuck in lower level diversion programs that have already not worked for them and they will just stay out there robbing and theiving which none of us want either. It is possible that they will develop a few Supermax juvenile facilities in the state to save money and just send them all there. This would be bad because many would be further away from family (making family therapy impossible) and it would result in circumstances like a kid that got battery charges for fighting in school being housed with a kid who committed carjacking or armed robbery. They don't belong together.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"nothing can be late and it's the quality stupid" I am not joking, it is written on every agenda.
Um, that is abusive.
This attitude is far to common among "administrators" although not all facilities are run so. Generally, it seems that those with better ethics work better and make more money.
Can't you report that , seems like that esp, if it is in print, would be some legal recourse to be made there. (legal advice would be good to get)
There is a lot going wrong all around us - Must look at the things that are going right because there are many of those, sometimes we have to look for them. (another journal activity, lol
Chin up! Count blessings ~
; )
I do agree with you , health care workers do get exploited, fact not pity party!! They talk about how expensive health care is but to fix a couple simple things in what seems to me to be a lack of tenacity and class in administrative ineptitude...Fixing those poor attitudes, get rid of those bad ones and replacing with sound good people would cure a lot of those ails.
I think there would be more motivation, enthusiasm, respect and cure in health care. And cash flow would improve with more effective admin, that actually knows how to administrate well .
