AA Big Book - Chapter 11

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

Sober for a year tomorrow, lonelier than ever, and steadily losing hope.......

Dakota · Senior Member

Maybe a little counseling would help. A little counseling from a licensed pro can go a long ways.

Or maybe you need to shed a couple tears with somebody in AA meeting. I just did that after reading responses to my thread today. I feel like a load was lifted off of my back just to let out a couple tears!

A year of sobriety is very good. Whatever else is ailing you needs attention too.

Hope you feel better. It is amazing how when we share a problem, just to get heard , can help a whole lot.

ziacles · Member

Wow you have a year. That is great. Hang in there. Also I have heard that helping others, either at meetings, sponsoring or institutions can really help too.

BGG · Senior Member

Dear Scott:

Hang in there, buddy! Get thee to a meeting, share at the meeting, or grab someone after the meeting and tell them how you're feeling. If you can't get to a meeting right now, pick up that "thousand pound" phone, and call your sponsor or another A.A. member. We've all been where you are; you are not alone.

Love,
BGG

getlow316 · Veteran Member

As all my freinds drink and my whole social life revolved around drinking, I too often wonder who is going to keep me company in this journey. I am going to try my best to make new freinds at the meetings and hopefully a few old ones will still be in my life on a sober basis only. I don't have that much time sober but i do know that I would rather at this point be alone and sober then be with a bunch of drunks. I want to be alive and well. The alternative I'm guessing can be really lonely. On top of my meeting I also plan on joining a church group but that is jumping too far ahead for me. I am going to keep it one day at a time. Please keep coming back.

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Big Book pg. 83 & 84

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

mstrmsn66 wrote:

I should be happy, but am not. I should be holding my head high, but can't.

The pain of coming home to a deserted house is just as painful today as it was 13 months ago. Can't shake the rejection, and I certainly haven't increased the circle of people around me.

I mean, who else but an alcoholic can find loneliness at an AA Conference ? Emotions and feelings welling up so strong, that he can't bear to sit by himself and has to leave ?

Cunning, baffling, powerful. I think the descent into hell is far from over. It's just beginning.

Hey Scott,
The week that I got sober, my wife (now x-wife) and I split up for the last time and she moved to another house with my 2 year old son. It was tough and I swear the house ehcoed and made noises that I'd never heard before. I did like Dakota suggested and saw a counselor twice a month for about 6 months. But I was also going to meetings daily, mostly at an AA club. I made myself introduce me to at least 2 people at every meeting and worked on remembering their names. I asked around (and kept my ears open to announcements) for extra curicular activities and attended as many as possible. I also made a committment to myself to stay single for a year or two and to learn how to enjoy being a bachelor. Sure I dated, but was upfront about that fact that I wasn't ready for a serioius relationship. I joined a gym, bought a motorcycle, found some parks that I could make regular visits too. But most importantly I made friends in the program. I also had some sober room mates move into my home. That really helped as we went to meetings together, and took turns cooking diner...

You didn't give us much to go on in the way of your circumstances so my comments can only be general. If you're the private, reserved, "lone ranger" type it's time to give that old act up. Learn how to be extroverted and re-join the human race. I had to do it. I complained, somewhat like you did here to my first and greatest sponsor, and he told me to "quit feeling sorry for yourself because no one is coming to worship at the alter of Dean". I was really pissed when he said that, but i knew that he was right. Life is what make out of it, and more importantly you only get out of it what you put in. Nothing could have been truer than that I just needed to "go and get a life".

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 20:08, 2009-02-22

runs10k11714 · Member

mstrmsn66:
In my experience I'm not suppose to be happy or stay happy just being sober. What's the point of that. You can try talking to people in the program that do things together. Or you can do what I did first since I use to get so sick and tired of me singing my "I'm bored with AA" song.
The negative things in my life I've learned are trying to tell me things that I need. Areas I need to grow. If I have too much anger I need some acceptance etc. Well for me if I'm bored I need a passion. A passion is what is gonna make life worth living. At first I was afraid of making life anymore then a pity party but addiction and impending death changed my attitudes.
AA is not a magic wand and going to it doesn't mean things will get better but, it does mean I will get better If I'm working the program and not just "venting" I'll learn to act instead of re-act. Sounds like it's time you learned how your disease works in your life.
When I was doing my thing I always tried to stay aware of how my enemies worked. Maybe you should start to become aware of how your enemies (character defects) work. After all it's your life their trying to take away from you.

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

I live on an Island, and not in the figurative terms. 1 way on, 1 way off in the wintertime. No family here, if they don't know your business, they know someone who does. This is not your typical situation, and not at all easily explainable. Everybody is related, people from the mainland are viewed as foreigners or 'mainlanders'. If you are to make it here, you marry into a family. I did that. I was removed from that family, and am now a foreigner again. If you don't live here, you just can't imagine it. It is hell. But I keep trying to live. My life simply consists of trying to live a life. It's just so goddamn fucking lonely.

Dakota · Senior Member

mstrmsn66 wrote:

I live on an Island, and not in the figurative terms. 1 way on, 1 way off in the wintertime. No family here, if they don't know your business, they know someone who does. This is not your typical situation, and not at all easily explainable. Everybody is related, people from the mainland are viewed as foreigners or 'mainlanders'. If you are to make it here, you marry into a family. I did that. I was removed from that family, and am now a foreigner again. If you don't live here, you just can't imagine it. It is hell. But I keep trying to live. My life simply consists of trying to live a life. It's just so goddamn fucking lonely.

Hm. I guess you feel isolated. (understated too, guessing again)

And you are dealing with a divorce, recent or a while ago? That is like a bereavement period, just like a death. Takes a year or so to go through the process of a normal bereavement.

I am leaning toward getting a counselor to help you through it. I think some would be made available via telephone if you can't get off the island right now. Make a couple phone calls, check the internet for this kind of assistance. Just to be able to speak with someone may give you a lot of support thru whatever you are going through.

Does AA help people to get a counselor? Is your AA group helpful on the island or is it contributing to the everybody on the island issue, knows all about stuff...?

Looking at some of your prior posts doesn't sound like you have been continually on the downslide.

Honestly, a little support could be your ticket to a brighter mentality. So many people have a hard time to ask for that help, but man it is a lifesaver, when you need it.

lani · MIP Old Timer

Congrats on a year my friend and what a GREAT achievement!!!!! Very proud of you!!!!!

So, I guess its your turn to have the blues and the poor me's... Joni had it, Doll had it, even Deano-o had a bout of it earlier. I am not excluded in this list of fine fellows!!!!

What I found for me is to talk to other alkies and really be honest about what it is that is bothering me....You have gone through so much the past year and if you really dig deep....make a list of the positives...maybe you will see it isnt all that bad!!!

I cant relate to living on an island as although Im in a smaller town, we have a zillion meetings.....But I can form my own little island in my mind and feel like no one cares or I dont have any friends....on and on....until I realize...Pick up the phone, go to a meeting, MAKE something happen where I feel a part of things....

We are all here for you and Im sure the small group of AA's you live by will welcome you with open arms and heal you, and love you and help you!! We just need to be willing to reach out and say HELP!!!!!!!!

Dont lose hope...it only gets better and if you give up the battle too soon, you may not see the beauty that your life will become!!!!!!

Love ya and hang in there!!!!!!!!!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Scott,

I could tell that there were some unusual circumstances. Sounds like an unworkable situations. Have you considered leaving the island so that you can have a life? Staying there and suffering doesn't sound like an option to me. There is lot's of great places to live, work, and have a life. I can name a dozen or so.

It's not a coincidence that we've had a number of people on this board and another make the same kind of complaints about the Island that they live on. Problems with everyone drinking, lack of meetings, politics, government issues, employment, transportation, security and anytime that a suggestion was made to the individual about leaving the Island to get away from the insurrountable problems the answer was "oh no, I'm not leaving here....".

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 20:20, 2009-02-22

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

I am finding that the meetings I initially choose not to attend, usually turn out to be the standout ones. Such was the case last night. I had my Dr. Pepper and settled into the usual banter with my family. As the chairperson made her rounds handing out the preamble material, she leaned into me and asked me if I would like to share my story. WOW ! I had shared snippets of my story before, but never actually asked to be a speaker. I was very very nervous, trembling, shaking, and had a faltering voice. This bruised and battered soul was able to put together a few disjointed thoughts to let my family know how grateful I was to have Them, the Program, and most important of all, my Sobriety. There was an older fellow who came up to me after the meeting and thanked me for sharing. He said he was glad I did it, because he couldn't. And with that I finally figured out what it was like to really give back to the program what I got out of it, and part of that process is sharing. Which really is a part of Service. Lord, Thank you for allowing me to share, again. __________________ I'm proud to say I am an Alcoholic, and my name is Scott. If the plan for me is divinely inspired, no man shall find fault with where I am today, or how I got here.
jonijoni1 Senior Member Posts: 442 Date: 12:34 PM, 10/26/08	That is beautiful, mstrmsn, and what it's really all about. Sharing, support, and speaking that "Language of the Heart" that only other alcoholics can understand. We are not alone anymore. I am so happy that you had such a fulfilling and great meeting last night!! Enjoy your Sunday!!! Joni __________________ *Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.*
lani MIP Old Timer Posts: 1816 Date: 8:04 AM, 10/27/08	I am sooo happy for you! Keep up the positive work and your dreams and desires will come true! Your proof of that!!!! __________________ "We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Sobrietyspell MIP Old Timer Status: Online Posts: 1676 Date: 10:24 PM, 10/27/08	*Thanks for sharing your share, Scotty. We do this together & your progress is my inspiration. Thanks for being here & thanks for staying sober for today. God bless, Danielle x* __________________ *True Freedom comes from Daily Discipline*
Doll MIP Old Timer Posts: 2122 Date: 5:43 AM, 10/28/08	That IS awesome. thank you for sharing it here........ My sponsor always says there are only 2 meetings I must attend, those I want to and those I don't! I, too, am amazed, still, at what can happen or what I can learn at the ones I don't want to! (((hugs)))

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AA Big Book - Chapter 11

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Chapter 11 - A Vision For You

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!

Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time." As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"

Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

"How is that to come about?" you ask. "Where am I to find these people?"

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come. The age of miracles is till with us. Our own recovery proves that!

Our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of alcoholism, defeated drinkers will seize upon it, to follow its suggestions. Many, we are sure, will rise to their feet and march on. They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.

Thankyou for being here & sharing where you are, Scotty. I have missed you these last few weeks & been wondering where & how you are. Your Recovery means alot to me too & I will never forget how you reached out to me & helped me work through my Step 4 when I was in pain & feeling like I couldn't do it. You helped me by your own determination & I really felt I wasn't alone because of you & others who touched me too.

I feel this as much today as I ever have & you are a big part in that. I felt for you when you first came here & spoke of your pain with your ex wife & your downward spiral. I've enjoyed sharing in your acceptance & determination to come through that with the love of your boy & Boo who I felt for when he passed too.

I love your stories & revelations & your experiences in meetings. I was glad when you did your first chair & what that meant for you. I relate with you in all you say & how you are even though our backgrounds & living circumstances may be different. I don't remember everything in your story but I know who you are to me & that means a lot. I'm glad you keep coming back & I'm grateful for your reaching your *1st Year!*

I posted the above exerpt because I felt like you a few months ago & this disease is cunning, baffling & powerful. Without help, it is too much for us. I was losing hope & I didn't know if life was going to get any better. I shared about it in a meeting & told how I felt alone & unable to move on. To be honest, even now I can't remember what it was which had me on that day but I know that sharing it dislodged my blockage & I began to flow again.

The Steps are a process & we need them all to live to our fullest potential. It took me to slide into a corner to realise I had to pick up the tools & drive forward again to get out of my alcoholic thinking quagmire. I won't minimise your feelings because they are how you are feeling but I will say that if your head is like mine it can be a dangerous place without our defences & the things that keep me well.

Did you work any further in your Steps? 6 & 7 were & still are an honest to God life saver for me. I had to surrender more & more to that handing my will & life over to a power greater than me. Especially the Step 7 prayer which encouraged me to hand EVERYTHING over to the care of my HP which meant good & bad. This helped me to feel loved, protected & in the care of because even all that I do that may be good I give the credit to God for & this helps me get over my ego & disappointment at my limitations too, if that makes sense!

I cried tears of relief after how sitting & working with these Steps prepared me for the readiness of Step 8 & that was a wonderful place for me. I've still quite a ways to go on my amends but they are coming. I've made some of the major ones & some of them continue as a living amend & I've perhaps quite a daunting one coming up but I'm trusting in my HP again to guide me.

At some point I started learning how to practice 10 & 11 which I find are closely linked, oh yes, it was when I fell off my perch & had been waiting for my sponsor to give me the go ahead. I had to learn that my HP was inside me & that I had worked hard enough to be able to just get on with this & to trust myself knowing I can check out my thinking as I go but essentially to do what I have to do. Easy Does It but Do It! This was a great liberation for me & I started to trust that all the hard work I'd put into my program was beginning to pay off.

So, I concentrated on these Steps for awhile & all along shared of my progress with members & in meetings which, for me, really makes it count because I don't have to work this program alone. I love sharing & inspiring others in my journey & theirs though initially I was shy of Step 12 in regards to helping others as I'd been a care taker & a fixer in the past but that followed eventually too & now I feel I have a full working knowledge & practice of all of my Steps & I'm now in the business of maturing it with an essence of letting go at the same time knowing there is one more powerful in charge ;)

It's taken me just over two years to get here & it has been moments of sharing my pain & loneliness that have helped to pull me through 1Day@aTime. I know you have fellowship around you that you can reach out to, Scott & you have us here. You're not alone & neither am I. I can totally appreciate the limits of your location & at the same time I know how much you want this & will go to any lengths to keep & grow your sobriety.

You may be at another jumping off place but only into new possibilities. I have trust in you & every faith that this is another turning point where you find new levels of happiness & satisfaction & a willingness to develop the fellowship where you are, near & far. You're a great contribution to this board, Scott & I'm sure there will be others on your island who will want what you have. Keep on keeping on & don't lose hope. There's more waiting to be revealed for you & I hope you'll come & share it with us too. God bless & good luck in your Steps, Danielle x

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Hey Scott,

Read your post and did some research on your island. I'm originally from N. Ohio and used to visit some of the the small islands off lake Erie and I can see how they must feel about living in a separate country.

Some good advice about getting some counsel was written.

Getting active w/ service work and helping others helped me a lot. I hope you have some good meetings there.

One door closes and another one always opens. We are in this together.

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

Thank you all. Danielle, Lani, Pete, Dakota, Ziacles, Jane, all of you.

I have been visiting with my parents for the past two days. Drove straight here for a meeting. 2 1/2 hrs away. Went to a meeting last night. Going to one tonight, and have my home group tomorrow night.

I think I have finally realized that he person who screws up Scott's program, is Scott. There is a lot to be said in that.

I wish we could all be together sometimes. And I feel pretty foolish looking at what I don't have, rather than what I do. Typical alkie. Thank you for your care, concern and love. I really appreciate the friends I have made here.

You folks are the best !!

Scotty

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

That sounds a lot better Scott.

Happiness is a decision that we make every morning and gratitude is the key.
Gratitude = Happiness, and there are no other factors in that equation biggrin

Dakota · Senior Member

mstrmsn66 wrote:

Thank you all. Danielle, Lani, Pete, Dakota, Ziacles, Jane, all of you.

I have been visiting with my parents for the past two days. Drove straight here for a meeting. 2 1/2 hrs away. Went to a meeting last night. Going to one tonight, and have my home group tomorrow night.

I think I have finally realized that he person who screws up Scott's program, is Scott. There is a lot to be said in that.

I wish we could all be together sometimes. And I feel pretty foolish looking at what I don't have, rather than what I do. Typical alkie. Thank you for your care, concern and love. I really appreciate the friends I have made here.

You folks are the best !!

Scotty

Be good to yourself Scotty! You are worth it. So very glad that you have the gift to see a little further after a down time! (exercising that one gets you where you need to be, you can become an expert at it) At this time it was literally moving yourself, rather than just plain figuratively, lol)

: )

You're the best too!!