Well, actually I slipped a little a couple of weeks ago. Went out with a friend of mine and had three glasses of wine. Well, this convinced me- well not convinced- but gave me an excuse to believe that I could control my drinking. So I went out last night thinking I would have two glasses of wine. My friend ended up having to leave as soon as we got there because of a sick child. I then called someone else to meet me and ended up probably having 6 glasses of wine and two shots of jagermeister. My brother in law came and got me. But, oh, the things I said to total strangers!! Told every mistake I've ever made and every secret I ever had. Feel like such an idiot today!!! Embarrassed and Ashamed and Mortified and Afraid!! But, now convinced that I am not just a "binge drinker", I am an alcoholic.
I well remember trying to convince myself that I was not an alcoholic. I kept trying and trying. I would have a few days/weeks off the alcohol and then convince myself that I could take a drink or two. It never worked.
I, too, have told every mistake that I have ever made to strangers and most of my secrets. I probably told them all of my secrets, but I don't remember!!!
"Embarrassed and Ashamed and Mortified and Afraid" - I have felt exactly that way, too.
When it got too bad I went back to AA and started to get honest with myself. It was suggested that I wrote down exactly how I felt after I had been drinking and not to leave anything out.
Next time I felt like drinking, I re-read what I had written and that helped, especially combined with 'phoning someone in the fellowship and getting to a meeting.
Try not to beat yourself up about what you have done. Try to learn from it instead. It will help to strengthen you.
Get yourself to a meeting and listen to everything that is being said. Get a sponsor and start working the steps. Try to become as active and involved in AA as you can. Get telephone numbers from other members and use them. That was always very difficult for me, but it does get easier.
For this alcoholic, it's easier to accept that I am an alcoholic than to try to convince myself that I can have one or two drinks. Just hang in there and life will get so much easier and vastly better. That's a promise!
And, please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you? You're not on your own. We're all here for you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Glad that you made back. Time to get busy working the program. You never have to feel like that again, as long as you don't pick up the first drink. It's the first drink, that gets us drunk, not the 5th or 6th. Get to some meetings and make some new friends that will show you have to have fun without getting bombed and making an *** out of yourself.
Wow, I can relate. I always figured "this time will be different". This is all the cunning baffling and powerfull characteristics of the "ism". I was the worst for beating myself up, after slips etc. Fatal mistake right there. I figured that I should punish myself, not realizing at the time that I was staying drunk as a result. Best way for me seems to be to accept, embrace reality for what it is and move on. No drama, no punishment and just stay 100% honest with myelf. Knock on wood, that is still working for me....one day at a time. Keep the faith, it works.
scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Dear Codependent2: As long as I was still alive all I had to do was yell "Help me" and the wagon would stop and my group would let me back on. They only asked me one question when I reached for their hands to be pulled up by THEM and not myself (I could only fall off by myself. No one in AA ever pushed me off the wagon) They would say "What didn't you do this time John???" They weren't mean. They knew what I didn't know. That I was playing craps with my life-big stakes. Too big for me to see at the time. The only suggestion that I have to follow if I want to see recovery happen is to just work the program as it's written. Good Luck. Let us know how your doing in 90 days.-John
