And Lord knows, I have shown myself lately, that I really want to MAKE IT in this program; in LIFE.
My Alanon Aunt/"Mom" had her open heart surgery. They told us all was well after the surgery, but then as the evening came on, she was bleeding profusely from the chest tube. I was beside myself with fear and anguish. They were discussing with us going back in, opening her up and trying to repair whatever was ruptured or not clotting inside her chest, even after they gave her platelets and whole blood transfusions, to no avail. By the Grace of God, through earnest prayer and support from family, AA members, Al Anon members, and even folks at my job, once we finally collapsed from sheer exhaustion, God touched her and began to heal her. We awoke to a truly New Day. She has since been released, and doing well in her recovery and physical therapy.
In my work, I seem overwhelmed at times, but I have long since stopped expecting the world of myself, and somehow I get through it. I can only do my 100% best, no more, and because of what this program has taight me, I can accept myself for my limitations, and still walk with my head held high. I don't have to be perfect, and i have the ability to ask for help now, and to ask for people to slow down and give me time to stay on task. And no one has shunned me or reprimanded me for going at my own pace. My boss has called me "tenacious", which I guess is a compliment, and one that I will be proud of.
My marriage has hit a very torubling point, and one where I would have every right to call it quits by ANYONE'S standards (especially my dad's!!). But I am able to, just for today, see my husband as spiritually sick, and help him walk through his shame, pain and longing for better behaviour from himself. Again, prayer, acceptance, and self care, falling back on AA for tools, has kept me sober through this very painful time, and opened me up to trying to be of assistance, at least for now. AA tools are also helping me live in this marriage on a 24 hour basis, and have the confidence that no matter what I may have to do in the long run, for today, I am OK, and sober, and secure. Many loved ones in my life, including him, have put up with all manner of B.S., heartache, pain and anguish on my behalf. So I am humbled and willing to give a little right now where someone else is hurting and wanting seriuos help.
I could easily have rationalized taking a drink or even saying F--- all of this, and ran off. But you have shown me how we do this thing called Life. And I am trying my best to let god take care of these bumps in the road. My job is to keep the motor running and air in the tires.
Thanks for letting me share, feels good to get this stuff off my chest!
Joni
-- Edited by jonijoni1 at 19:44, 2009-02-13
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Wow Joni, you are really doing great even though it sounds like you feel pretty stretched to the limit. About the husband, my experience was I became the strong one in the relationship when I stopped drinking, where I had always been so weakminded and dependent and would put up with anything as long as I could still drink and be forgiven. My partner at the time became weaker and weaker and the shift in dynamics was crazy. There were other things going on too and he was an alcoholic not ready to stop. I had about 4 months then too and would be coming up on a year almost, but unlike you I did drink over the situation and things got sooooo much worse soooo fast. I also did not have the program then and was only "dry" from sheer will power. With that said, we alcoholics seem to have a natural tendency to put up with being treated like crap. My only concern is that you don't accept poor treatment from your husband just because of your past drinking. Marital counseling might be an option. You are in recovery, but you came into AA in a marriage so that is in recovery too in many ways. Also remember, all this I'm saying is coming from a person that is totally f**ked up in the area of relationships. Nonetheless, he put up with you then because he WANTED to. Not because he had to. So you don't necessarily owe him for sticking with you while you were actively drinking. I think all you owe anyone and yourself is to have the best relationships you can because you deserve it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you guys for sharing! Wow...did it all hit home big time!!!! Expectations of ourselves and what we owe others.......good thing to ponder and really look at!!! Thanks guys!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
