David, Welcome to MIP.  It has taken a lot of courage for you to take the steps you have.  I can identify with so much of what you wrote it was almost like hearing parts of my own story.  I too came from a family in which there were no identified alcoholics, with the exception of my maternal uncle.  I am not sure where my alcoholism came from in that aspect because it wasn't learned from my parents and the genetic link is not that strong.  I am also gay and I know that this does affect my alcoholism in some ways.  I do not know if your coming out is or was like mine.  My parents were relatively supportive, but being gay does make me different than my sisters and from the majority of mainstream society.  It is difficult to be part of the last openly discriminated against minority.  At work and with many people we cannot openly discuss our relationships or act in a way that would "give us away" as gay.  We have to listen to everyone else's stories of marital problems, weddings, and children and yet it is somehow unspokenly wrong to really discuss our own relationships and experiences at work and other places.  It's a set up for feeling like a fake person and not being comforatble with ourselves and that also contributes to a desire to drink for some. With that said, I am proud to be gay on most levels, but it has not been easy.  Often times, the only places where gay people can meet each other is in clubs with alcohol.  While I was uncomfortable approaching guys and even being with them, I used alcohol to ease some of those fears.  Gay society often actually glorifies codependent relationships with the whole "daddy/son" thing.  We enter into relationships already having gone through the experience that we are fundamentally different than others and there is a strong pull towards relying on your partner for self-esteem because we don't get much support or approval in our relationships elsewhere. I don't know how much this applies to you, but it did and does apply to me.  Furthermore, as a gay person, I lost my spiritual connection when I came out.  Life was all about men and relationships and I guess I still was kind of angry at god for making me so different. With that said, alcohol ruined my last 7 year relationship.  I did things to embarrass my partner several times.  I stumbled into planting pots and broke things at one of his friend's houses and was humiliated.  I tried to hide my drinking and would drink in the car on the way home.  I felt very lonely because it seemed that the only place to go to have friends would be a club and I was in a relationship and that seemed like an even more open slap in the face to my partner to be hanging out there.  Anyhow, I hope your partner understands that alcoholism is a disease and you have not chosen it and willpower on it's own is typically not enough to stop.  One difference it seems in our stories is that my partner was an alcoholic as well and that made things even more chaotic and unmanagable.  I had to end the relationship to even start getting sober. 

When I finally surrendered and admitted I was an alcoholic, I found that I was blessed to be in one of the most accepting and supportive recovery communities in the world.  On most nights I do go to Gay AA meetings and they are extremely helpful.  Without them, it would be more difficult to be and stay sober.  It would be harder to find a sponsor that truly understands me and what I have been through.  Regular meetings with all types of people are also important because I do not live in a "gay world" and the problem of alcoholism is not "a gay thing."  I would suggest trying to find a gay meeting because it is even easier to identify with and find support from others there.  Not sure what is in your community in scotland, but hopefully it is there. 

Willpower is part of the answer, but it is confusing because AA will tell us to hand our will over to a higher power of our understanding.  99 percent of us could not do this on willpower alone.  Willpower can get you to the rooms and have you realize you need to stop, but a power larger than yourself can help you stay sober and not feel as though you are alone and so vulnerable.  I can't suggest what your higher power should be.  Often times in the beginning I have heard that people just make the rooms their higher power and that works.  If your partner is really supportive and wants to help you, I suggest alanon so he can understand your disease and not contribute to you feeling more ashamed.  Otherwise, I don't know that you really need suggestions because you are already doing all the right things.  You don't necessarily get a free pass on all the things you did when drunk, but I would suggest also letting go of the shame for now as much as you can.  What you did while in the grips of alcoholism was not fully under your control.  Once sober for a bit, you will gain better perspective on it.  Forgive yourself some because you are moving on and you NEVER have to do those things again and you NEVER have to drink again either.  You are now recovering and that is all that matters.  Welcome to AA, from one Gay Alcoholic to another.  (Yes Alcoholic is common thread that binds us here, but I do believe it helps to know there are others who have even more in common with you than just alcoholism).  Your post helped me whether you know it or not.

Hello DOH and welcome to the board. Enjoy your new journey.

Dean