A while ago, prior to my coming back, I worked with a guy who was an alcoholic and I really used to bust his balls about being in AA. I was constantly making drinking jokes, threatening to spike his coffee, burping at him after a night out, etc. very immature stuff. He was a very calm, mild mannered guy who would never show he was upset but when I knew I was getting under his skin I would say things like "Whoa fella, easy does it!" or "Hey maybe you should ask your higher power for some help with that temper!" and whenever he would disagree with me about anything I would pretend to be really hurt and say "Fine, I guess I'll just wait for an apology from you next time you're doing your step 8". I was relentless with him and I honestly don't know why he didn't punch me in the face.
I kind of feel like stopping by and apologizing to him but I feel kind of stupid about it. I'm sure he would live happily never seeing my face or hearing my voice again so what's the point? Wouldn't I just be apologizing to make myself feel better? Even worse, what if I drove him to drink! What if my incessant schoolyard taunting pushed him over the edge and he hit the bottle again? Then I'll feel like shit! Even it if wasn't becuase of me I'll think it was because I'm self centred.
We've all done stuff like that TM. I'm sure that he wouldn't mind hearing an amends from you. You're on the right track, as your last statement indicated.
"Even it if wasn't because of me, I'll think it was because I'm self-centered."
Once we realize that we own our own feelings and that no one has the power to change that, then we also get that we don't have that power over others. I spent most of my life feeling responsible for and trying to change how other people felt, and especially how they felt about me. I'd fool myself by saying that I didn't care, but deep down it really bothered me to think that there we people that didn't like me. Now I know that it's not possible for everyone to like me for reasons that have nothing to do with me, and that's ok.
WOW! You have really come a long way, TM! AWESOME!
Usually when something bothers us, (and continues to bother us), we NEED to do something about it. However, there are circumstances in which no amends is the best amend you can make.
Get with your sponsor, give him the details and follow his suggestion......
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
The fact that you are even thinking about this shows growth and I congratulate you on that. Being early in recovery, I had to made some ammends right away because of my situation being so messed up. In this circumstance, I don't see much harm in going with whatever direction you feel. My guess is that if you apologize, the other guy is going to react very positively, especially if you point out that while you were making all those comments, it was probably out of fear that you needed to do what he was doing and that he actually probably motivated you in some way to get sober. Even just a simple apology without all the self-disclosure would probably go over well, but it's up to you of course. Step 1 would be recognizing you are powerless over his reaction, can't control it, and are basically just trying to do what's right regardless. When my uncle joined AA and got sober he started spouting all the AA sayings and I thought he was retarded. I don't remember directly challenging him about it, but the rest of our family did talk about him and joke about how "programmed" he was. That was something I'm not too proud of and I can't make any ammends or seek him out for guidance now because he is dead now. Either way, keep up the good work Tipsy.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Recognizing that our conduct is immature and harmful to ourself and others is a big step in the direction of change...Spiritual growth
First suggestion...change your user name...to something a bit more refined.
and if that's not your personal avitar..that could be changed as well..
Change your image...it projects a disturbed person to me..not cleaver, nor witty...what we project to the outside is often what we feel on the inside...What you are projecing is what you are getting back from your peers...which is not acceptable to you...but you have the power to change it.
To be blunt... by your admitted actions...you are not a nice guy...but that can be fixed by changing the people places and things that fuel that immature personality.
Need to remember we should strive to attract people...not impose ourself on them
I'm sure he would live happily never seeing my face or hearing my voice again
I see a potential solution snipped from within your post....
A job I had in my early sobriety, I had two friends. They were sort of friends with each other, until one of them, M, began doing things like borrowing money from the other one, D. It became obvious M had a serious substance abuse problem... he eventually lost his job and while none of us work there anymore, I still am friends with D. Whenever the subject of M would come up, D's response was along the lines of "I don't care if he's dead or alive, I don't want to hear about him, or from him".
Well out of the blue, I get a contact from M some years later. He says he's sober now. He remembered that I had been in AA. Wants to get hold of D to make amends. I cringed at the thought but next time I brought the subject up with D, you can guess what the response was. He wanted *nothing* to do with M, period. So... I respected that wish. I respected it further in not even repeating it back to M, I just let it drop. I haven't heard any more from M either, so who knows. I still see D occasionally. We don't talk about M.
good point barri, some of the amends that I made, which included financial restitutions, were met with some tense ambivilience (sp?) as if the person was happy to hold on to their hard feelings. But you know what, the amends are primarily for the benefit of the person making the amends. What the other person does with it is their problem, or not. I think that they would get over their feelings later. I've still got a couple to do. I've tried contacting these folks but can't get a response. Some of these in the past I've written letters to and mailed money orders (so they can't not cash my check lol). It works for me, even thought I've had a couple of sponsors poo poo on that method parroting "Made direct amends wherever possible..." Hey I think that the mail is a compromise between direct amends and "except where it would harm others...".
I think that the mail is a compromise between direct amends and "except where it would harm others...".
I guess that's where we have to examine our motives. The amends *are* for ourselves, which is why we need to carefully consider if simply making contact with a person will do more harm than good. If somebody is truly angry with us for a variety of reasons and we make contact to pay them back 5 bucks we once borrowed, are they going to be glad to see us because of the tip? Not to use it as an excuse, but I think the Big Book gives an example... i.e. do you tell your wife about every one-nighter just so you can come clean, even though it may be devastating to her? That depends... on whether or not she already knows and/or is already devastated, etc. There's just no hard and fast acid test for making the amends vs. harming others... so for me, I pray for guidance and don't act impulsively.
I think newly sober we want to make everything right ASAP. The same search for instant relief we once sought in alcohol, we may now seek from the steps. We may be very sincere about this but the rest of the world may not be in such a hurry. If I make amends at the expense of those around me, then I'm in the situation of having to make amends for amends. Things are complicated enough as it is, thank you!
I hear you barri, none of my financial amends were less than $500. I don't care who you are, you're not going to be unhappy about that.
Actually my friend is so cheap that on one occasion he made me drive out of my way (we were going to lunch) so he could get money from a "home" ATM and not have to pay the $1.50 fee. So I thought he'd jump at the chance to maybe get back a few bucks, but I guess he figured (perhaps correctly) that he wouldn't see any $$ at all, just excuses and old wounds.
At the time I got sober I was 4 years out of bankruptcy and living entirely on cash. Although I was hand to mouth, I probably was never in a better position debt wise. It took sobriety and ambition to dig me back into it again. And out of it again.... LOL. But part of why I came to AA was because a lot of those "I'll cut back my drinking if...." problems had been solved, and I was still drinking as much as I always did. My bottom was unusual because it was entirely a spiritual bottom. Even looking good on paper, my life was a deepening self-dug rut, where I was pacing back and forth in my own footsteps. Drinking still worked for me - I still enjoyed it - but it had become the ONLY thing I enjoyed. I don't like to think about what would have happened if I had continued to ride the merry go round. I got some benefits of sobriety fairly quickly - besides the physical. Even though my fear and anxiety returned - as I regressed to that insecure teenager that took his first drink - also the wonder of life returned. Those dreams I had as a kid, that I thought had been both fulfilled and drowned by alcohol - were still there. That's the single greatest gift of sobriety for me, because it was something I truly believed once lost, it was lost forever, like virginity.... thankfully for me, it was still there right where I left it.
