This week, like 5 people relapsed and 1 of them being my closest friend in AA thus far. Most of the people have around the same time as I do (or they did). I am wondering if it is common for people to slip up at the 3 to 5 month mark. I felt like I was really fighting the fight with these people and it is pissing me off to see them drop like flies. I was glad to see them back in the rooms right away, but kind of annoyed also. Everything I have built up in the last few months comes from AA. It seems like going out and coming back the next day is yanking people around and playing them for fools as well as disrespecting the support you get. The welcome backs are nice and all for them, but I'm not sure I want to be around people that relapse over and over again. I know I shouldn't take it personally, resentments are bad...blah blah blah. I guess it's just my first experiences with people relapsing that I actually care about. It sucks.
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Relapse is pretty common everywhere & at any time, I think. We're alcoholics, drinking is what we do! ..........I did it at 32 days, 67 days, 90 something days and 11 months!
The BB tells us when we are 'annoyed' at others for relapse that it usually means we somehow feel 'superior', which is not a good thing.
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wron with us." 12 & 12 pg 90
Might not be a bad idea for you to bump up your number of meetings and get with your sponsor.....
(((hugs))))
-- Edited by Doll at 08:45, 2009-01-17
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I too relapsed a LOT for many years. They say that for each person, "it takes what it takes". We have to keep in mind that drinking is the NORMAL thing for an alcoholic to do, and early in recovery, sobriety is an ABNORMAL state for the alcoholic. You just happen to be one of the "lucky ones" for right now. You should hold on to that and use their experiences as a valuable tool for your own sobriety, going forward.
The Big Book itself suggests that if we still have reservations about whether or not we are "real alcoholics", to try some controlled drinking and see what happens. Whether or not another person tests fate and does that is between him and himself. You obviously are not interested in taking that suggestion, and good for you. Your sobriety is about YOU, and not them.
When people relapse around us, I think it is natural for us to feel vulnerable. We may turn that vulnerability into avoidance of them or stinking thinking about whether they are 'serious' or not, and so forth. When all we really need to know is whether or not WE are serious about staying sober for this 24 hours. I too would talk to my sponsor about the feelings and fears surrounding the recent relapse of my AA buddies. It definitely affects us, and we need our sponsor's help to put it into the right perspective.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hello pinkchip!! I believe I've felt the way you have. At first, I only hung around mostly with the newer members.It was a newbie club of sorts.I sometimes felt less than the ones with some time, so these where the people I spent time with and talked the most with.Of all the people that came in around the time that I did, only me and one other have stayed sober. (Grace of God and A.A.) A lot of the others kept coming in and out and today two of them are still around and have some time.I don't know about the common part of slips, but just from what I've witnessed the first 2 years seem to be the roughest for some, and the friends I mentioned did relapse a lot at the 30 day to 90 day marks. I have to admit that I was jealous of all the attention the chronic relapsers seem to get, (Glad you're back--Welcome back!!) but once I understood that that was nothing to be jealous of I started learning from them. "What were they not doing?Did they have a sponsor? Where they taking suggestions or where they doing the same things expecting different results?Where they praying?"I really learned a lot from their mistakes.One man said that he was mad because he felt like the others were doing something that he really wanted to be doing. "Drinking" And when I thought about it, it was true.If I don't think a drink all the way through, I can romance the thought and end up drunk. I'm sure you've heard of "stick with the winners", and I'm not really sure how I feel about the saying, but that saying, to me, means "Who's walking the walk and not just talking the talk?" I was also told that they are not only teaching me something, but if they were serious, I could teach them something too. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Pinkchip, It's always common for alcoholics to go out and drink. It's uncommon for them to get sober. For you to remain sober, 19 others have to go out the door as there is only a 5% success rate. It's a costly admission to an exclusive club with the highest dues and largest payoff, your life back. Hang in there, you're worth it.
Thanks guys...and I have heard most of the things you mentioned. Particularly that it's common for alcoholics to relapse because drinking is what we tend to do. It still sucks though. Of course I did talk to my sponsor about it and he pretty much told me I may have outgrown some of these people at this time, as for this day I have a stronger ability somehow to push through the scary feelings I'm going through without taking such a major step back. I know I'm not perfect. I wrote on here that I did start dating last month and have kept dating the same person since. That is the only suggestion I didn't follow, but I recognize it's a rather major one. I haven't drank over it though I'm sure there are people out there that think I'm playing with fire and it's going to burn me. I am committed to not shutting the door on these friends completely, but I cant be as great a support as I was when they are relapsing again and again.
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pinkchip, nowhere is the saying "stick with the winners" more appropriate. Don't feel that you have to limit your peer group to newcomers, I'd be trying to hang with dedicated AAs with over a year. As for the dating thing. Dating isn't a good idea but if you can keep it casual with the expressed communication with the other person that you're not ready for a serious relationship it shouldn't become a distraction or replacement for your program. Focus on companionship and friendship and leave "love" out of it.
I've only been in AA for two months and I havn't drank in that time, and I have taken great strength from AA. Recently I got the big book and started to look at the steps - next I'm going to look at getting a sponsor and maybe do some service - I want to ramp up and be more involved.
Like you, I was gutted that, in my first meeting of 2009, four members talked about their 'slips'. I felt let down personally in some strange way due to the strength I was taking from the group and I confess to thinking that they were 'hopeless'. THis is a bit rich coming from someone who is only two months sober.
I spoke about these feelings to the guy who introduced me to AA and thankfully my understanding returned. This illness is as they say cunning and baffling and we will all fight in different ways.
I want to be there for those who slip, and I would want their support should I need it. A day at a time as they say
Thank you Jane. I've enjoyed reading through the forum today, and I am glad I have other avenues to take strength from as well as through meetings. I hope I have something to offer others too.
Dean, about the dating thing. I now fully understand why the suggestion is so strong not to. My tendency is to want things to move super fast, to need large amounts of emotional validation, and to want constant affection. This is somewhat limiting to my recovery, but on the other hand, I am aware and do not want to repeat the same mistakes as I did in past dating/relationship scenarios. I am forced to take it slower than usual because I have obligations that I will not give up for anything and that includes daily meetings, step group, and keeping in contact with other alcoholics. Furthermore, I am in my own place now and it's simply not possible for me to move all my crap into another person's place after 2 months. Anyhow, that does not stop my head from traveling down the same road it always has in relationships. Awareness is good, but it's making things more challenging for me because this is probably my largest character defect...thinking that I can't take care of myself and I need someone else to do it for me and also thinking that if I am not in a relationship, I am totally alone and can't handle life. It's a bunch of BS and I know it. I catch myself acting out on it, and have to change it. To some degree, I'm glad I'm confronting this now, but it is awfully early in sobriety to be doing so.
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Pinkchip I know exactly what you mean by all of that, and did that in every relationship until I got sober. All that neediness is an attempt to replace the missing elements of relationships with ourselves and our higher power. Learning how to be our own best friend is incredible. I have a lot of fun just laughing at myself, especially the "committee" lol
I am getting there and I am aware this time and trying to change the way I look at things...at least people with time tell me that's 2/3rds the battle. The other 3rd I'm guessing would be the complete shift and not acting this way at all in the first place. Time takes time as I'm reminded and everything seems relatively okay for today.
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