For the last 2 weeks, everytime I've spoken or seen a sponsee, she appears to be under the influence (of something). What I'd like to know is, if you were her sponsor how would you handle this and if you were the sponsee how would you like your sponsor to approach you?
Ask open ended questions to find out where her head is at. See if what she needs is special support, professional help included...Help her to find help. Open phone book and make a couple calls.
I know from my experience when I got honest about my booze problem I needed tough love and a sponsor that would call me on my stuff. Prior to getting serious about recovery, I choose a sponsor I could manipulate and built resentments when he called me on my stuff. His suggestions didn't help because I wasn't honest with myself and wasn't willing to take suggestions. With that being said; I think it depends on the sponsee and your relationship with them? Are they truly serious about recovery? Do they need tough love or nurturing support at this point? Asking open ended questions like mention above may assist in sorting this out. If the relationship is open and they are serious about recovery... tough love may be the way to go. If they're new and not honest with themselve or their sponsor about their alcohol problem... it may be best to offer assistance and let them know your there if they need help... and leave it at that. They may not be ready...
Ask her outright. I tell my sponsees I don't care about your feelings, I care about your life.
In early sobriety, when my lips were moving, I was lying. I just didn't know any other way. If my sponsor had worried about hurting my feelings or being too harsh I'd be dead right now. And, I got to put her on my 4th step...that was actually kind of amusing...doing my 5th step with her. And we are still very close and can laugh about it now. The "tricks" she used with me...I use them on my sponsees now.
Jane, face to face with her.... "Is there something you want to tell me that you have been afraid to tell me lately? I hope you know that I am going to love you and accept you no matter what..."
I think that opens up an environment where she might feel "safe" telling you. And if she IS using, and doesn't tell you THIS time, I bet she will remember that she CAN go to you when she is ready.
No one wants to "let down" her sponsor. I have been in this very same situation, with my kind and loving sponsor. She always made me feel like it was SAFE to be honest, that I would not be abandoned, even when I clearly was not telling her the whole story.
Just my 2 cents.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I am pretty sure my sponsor would ream me out if he even thought I was drinking or using. My thoughts on the matter are, if your sponsee is using, then they don't want what you have, which is sobriety. My sponsor told me to call if I was even thinking about picking up. Even if they aren't drinking, it's still a problem because you are feeling that you don't believe the person and they are BSing with you. You should be able to tell if they are really drinking and if they are serious about sobriety from their attitude. AA is for people that want it, not for people that lie and manipulate. Sponsors help people who take suggestions and the 2 most important ones are don't drink (that is a given and not even a suggestion) and be honest. Maybe have an upfront conversation about honesty as it is the theme of the very first step anyhow. Perhaps weave it into discussion about your relationship as sponsor and sponsee and then ask if the person feels they can be totally honest with you. If the answer isn't clear than the relationship isn't working out. I recognize relapse is common and that people do need sponsors even after a relapse, but you shouldn't mess up your own serenity by having to worry about being lied to. Also, it could be time for getting serious and setting boundaries so that the person knows being sober is really about them and not the relationship they have with you. This could be accomplished by saying things such as "It won't hurt me if you tell me you were drinking. It's your life on the line, not mine. I'm going to be fine regardless of what you decide even though I want you to succeed." I personally would expect to lose my sponsor if I drank because it's just wrong that you would spend time trying to offer what you have to someone that doesn't want it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I "believe" my girl "may" be practicing avoidance. We were to meet yesterday and she was a no show. We are also doing a great game of phone tag. But, I still have great hope, I hear she's still in meetings.
For now, I will pray and try to be availible to her. My sponsor and I will meet tomorrow and I'm sure this will be one of many things we will talk about.
Good luck Jane... I think I did the same thing with my sponsor in the first three months...still drinking, going to meetins tho, and totally avoiding her. Each time we would start working on a step Id have to admit to her that I had a drink...she'd say.."did you drink today???" No......then lets move on just for today...I can see know how it could be very frustrating for a sponsor to try to get through our thick skulls that we dont need to drink today.... Bless you for being there!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
