I just read your bio, thanks for posting it. I've been around AA since the '70's and sober since the late '80's. My mother joined in '75 when I was 15 and I was drinking hard liquor straight and doing a lot of drugs at the time. I went to my first meeting that year and subsequently about every year till I turned 19 and lived at mom's house till I was 19. In those 4 years we had AA people in our house for every holiday and on many other ocasions. For the last 20 something years, AA has been my chosen family. In my observation, not many people, percentage wise, had gotten sober that were still married or in some kind of live in relationship, especially if the other spouse was drinking. That was my story. I tried hard for two years, going to meetings and trying to save a marriage for the sake of my 2 yo and just couldn't focus on myself enough to make it happen.
With all that said, congrats on nearly 3 years and maintaning your marriage (and to our other members who got sober while married). Please share you ESH in that regard as I believe it take extraordinary measures to make that happen and we do have people struggling to do so.
I really tried to keep this short and simple, but...
First, I'm blessed that God put a man in my life that He knew I was going to and do need.There were lots of times I thought of getting rid of him, and I'm sure him of me, but thankfully it didnt get that far.My husband was very different from the kind of men I use to chase or wanted or ended up with.I would never tell him, but I don't think I would have considered marrying him if I hadn't been so scared, alone, and very desperate.Not a good reason to marry, but this one worked out.(Grace of God) Right now we (my husband and I) are considered a rarity among my recovering A.A. friends, in that we somehow managed to stay married (21 years) through all the havoc and harm, me and my drinking caused.I not only cut myself off from the world, but his got smaller too. When we first met, I now know, I drank alcoholically and I drank every day.On weekends I drank even heavier.Did he know what he was getting into?Maybe.But, I too have gone into things hoping things would change.My drinking caused problems from the beginning.I was drunk when I took my vows, I remember taking them, but I was still drunk.Another, not so good start.My husband is not one of us, but was chief witness to my 17 year downward spiral.I use to make fun of him because he could not drink like me and today I'm very thankful he can't.I really believe one of us may have been killed if he could.Some male members of A.A. have said "he must be a wuss".(However you spell that)Believe me, he is a man and is capable of being just as ugly as he is kind.I'm just glad he is normally kind and he is getting better as I am getting better. Anyway, I already had all the "normal" feelings some of us have and use as an excuse to drink: Not believing I measured up to what I thought others thought I should be or what I thought I should be, not feeling as if I fit, and felt the only way I could talk to people was after a few.Then real life started happening.I wasn't able to successfully carry children, took some hard knocks from family about it, and a lot of other things "I considered" a disappointments in life.With each disappointment, I would retreat further and further into my bottle.Until recently, I never thought about how these "disappointments" had probably affected my husband too.He suffered the same disappointments and may have needed to share in our grief, but he was dealing with "me".Then my father died.This was a really bad scene, or should I say I caused some really bad scenes.I believe my father was one of us and I so identified with him.I'd jump all over my mother if she ever gave him a bad time for doing things he would do while drinking.I guess you could say we co-signed each other's bull shit.He did die sober, but not sure how he did it.From this point my drinking was very much all downhill and my husband watched helpless to do anything, but try and keep me off the roads by keeping me supplied.What a job that must have been!!!!He almost never got on me about my drinking, although he would say things like "maybe "we" should cut back on "our" drinking".Now this was a 4 beers, max, at a time guy.To his comment I would say "you do what you want, I'll get mine." Not too long after my father died, I got a much needed excuse not to work.A diagnosis from a doctor. "panic disorder" This is when I began drinking 24/7 and this is exactly what I wanted.I really don't know why my husband never left and I haven't asked.My sponsor always tells me "don't ask questions if you don't really want to know the answer."He did work a lot and on one of his jobs would be gone for 24 hours and then head to his second job.(And was still able to keep me supplied)WHAT A LIFE!! Then came that day when what I thought I wanted and what I thought was working, stopped working and I wanted out.That mental and spiritual bottom.I so, realized that even if someone could tolerant being around me, I was still alone.That insane place between my ears is where I lived.If you've been there you know it's cold, dark and ugly.All I wanted then was death.I truly did not want to drink again, but no matter what "I" did I couldnt stop.Now, I'm really into self and wanting help, but not knowing it.I was telling people I thought I was crazy (I was) and that I thought I was dying.So one more person, not so nicely, told me I should go to the doctor.So I went into the "I'll show them" and made an appointment with a doctor to prove I was dying of something.And I really was, but it was going to be a long painful death.My liver enzymes were elevated and then I was really scared.I knew if I told my husband this, he would have me locked up.I didnt know anything about treatment and never bothered to check them out, because I had no desire to be under lock and key and under someones control.HA HA.
Anyway that's another story.I kept this information to myself for about 4 more months.Still drinking!!!One day 2/17/05 filled with fear and on a big crying jag, I cried the alcoholic's cry-prayer to whatever God there was. "God please help me!"Ended up in a meeting that night through the A.A. help line. At first husband was just happy I wasn't drinking.But there did come a point when he started asking about how long I'd have to go to meetings and why this and why that.With the help of others, I tried to explain.But what worked best for us was me being open with my A.A. literature.I'd also showed him information (pamphlets) and the chapter "The Family Afterwards".I left my Big Book and Twelve and Twelve out in the open, just in case he might like to look. I had so many secrets, and it was suggested I not keep this from him.Life was about to get better, if I could stay sober. And, of course, after the alcohol was removed all that was left of me was all my ISM's (I,Self, Me), lots of out of control defects and I was married to a man that I had no clue as to who he was. The man I married was young and this guy was old and getting grey.He was almost a complete stranger and now I try to imagine what he was thinking about me when the alcohol was first removed, but there again, I'm not going to ask questions I don't want to really know the answers to. JI'd call my sponsor complaining about his behavior or something he may have said and she told me, "Consider yourself in the wrong until I tell you differently."LOLToday, this still works!!! The first year, so far, was the toughest.I was a human-becoming and his role was changing.We both were changing.I did my best with all the suggestions I received, some worked great and some didn't.I think some of the ones that didn't had a lot to do with my delivery. J I mostly took suggestion from women who had some good sober time and in a good relationship.Same as when I was looking for a sponsor. "Someone who has something I wanted." Today, I believe he gets it and that's only, I believe, because he has witnessed my growth.He likes and wants me to go to meetings.He wants me to spend time helping someone else to take the Steps.He thinks it's great that I do some phone volunteering at our Intergroup Office.He just loves me and all the defects that I'm continuing to ask God to remove!!!
I will tell you, sometimes it's harder to practice the principles with him then anyone one else, but I have learned the most from trying to.The most important thing is that it's my inventory I need to take, not his. We don't have a perfect marriage, I don't believe in them anyway, but I really owe this man a lot of living amends.I do have an idea of where I might be if God hadn't put him in my life.
Above all, I totally understood and understand my sobrity had to come before anything else!!!! This is one thing I see a lot of our friends having trouble with. "Wife or no wife, job or no job....
Thanks for sharing that jane! What a lovely tribute to the man you love...I can so relate to the "hard to practice the principles with him....." as I can take advantage of the love and forgiveness my husband gives to me sometimes...I think we both do but today its ok!!
Anything we put before sobriety, we will lose......So my sponsor tells me!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
