I felt like I had the worst day in the whole world yesterday.  My sponsor had chewed me the day before for not following a suggestion that I didn't even know he suggested.  As the day progressed, I began to obsess over it.  Both of us work so it is hard to connect during the day, even though I called a few times. I automatically assumed that he was ready to "fire" me.  I even made some calls trying to find a new sponsor because I felt so vulnerable and that I had lost part of what little foundation I have built in 94 days (yesterday).  It did not occur to me to pray or to just let the situation play out.  Thankfully, I have worked the program enough by taking numbers and reaching out to people that I did get some sane voices on the phone.  I virtually worked myself into having a day long panic attack (no joke because I do have those problems).  The day at work went by slower than any day I have had in a long long time.  The more I obsessed over the situation and the things that led to my sponsor being disappointed in my choices, the more I also began to feel this nasty gut feeling that I wanted to do something to get the feelings to go away so I could feel normal.  Thoughts then came of either taking off work and crawling into bed and not getting up forever (not suicidal--just self-isolating), getting mega-plastered and drunk, or taking my psych meds beyond what is prescribed and dosing myself into not caring.  Well...minute by minute I continued to stay at work and sort of let my focus shift to others, though it didn't help a whole lot.  I was going to skip my usual meeting but I talked to my best friend (whom I also work with and who gave me the gentle push to start going to AA) and she got through to me that I was not at the point of skipping meetings, that it had been my structure and routine for 3 months and I needed to go.  So, basically I got off work, drove past the liquor store and was having these massive cravings to go out.  I was so angry at my sponsor, whom by this point I was considering my ex-sponsor that I largely did not drink because I thought he wanted me to fail and I was going to be spiteful and stay sober anyhow.  I clutched the 90 day chip I received this week and reflected upon where I've been and how that chip meant so much when I got it and how it would mean nothing if I drank.  I thought about having already admitted to my parents that I was an alcoholic.  I thought about how 90 percent of the furniture I got to move into my new place was through gifts and donations from AA and I would be an even bigger screw up if I got drunk after that.  I got to the meeting early and talked to someone about the situation.  They, of course told me that they'd had the exact same experience with a sponsor and I was not unique (something that keeps slapping me in the face in a good way because I always seem to think nobody else has my problems).  Shortly after that, my sponsor comes up outside and I just started crying. He gave me a hug and I barely got out the words, I thought I had already lost you. He informed me that I hadn't and that the way he talked to me was because he cared.  I had never had anyone speak somewhat angrily to me without feeling like dogshit and a failure.  It never occurred to me that a person would speak to me like that unless they thought I was a total screw up and were ready to cast me aside.  I stated how I felt angry because I have been to a meeting everyday and I have started praying and I have followed suggestions and that I felt that the first one I didn't follow, I got told off and informed I was failing or going to fail. We talked for 15 minutes until the meeting started.  As usual, I cried my ass off.  Went into the meeting and heard a person share their story whom I respect and whom is a little familiar with me.  I saw other people that care about me as well.  I sat next to my sponsor and everytime someone shared something similar to my willful behavior, he just nudged me and we laughed.  A lot of people in the room were quite depressed and sharing it.  I just listened and realized, yet again, I am not the only person on earth who struggles and my heart went out to them.  So.....the end result, I stayed sober another day and things feel better today.  I also know now that I have a program to work, which before I was unable to grasp.  The first 90 days were about survival and soaking up AA.  Now I need to work MY PROGRAM.  Scary, but a gift that it is there waiting for me to develop.  I learned a lot yesterday and THANK GOD I worked the program enough that I had just a few tools avialable to stay sober when I was that far on the edge.  Anyhow,

Thanks for letting me share,

Mark