I am just so sick of this God, how much more do you want me to endure, I am so tired of being alone, it seems I have no where to go, no where to turn, nothing to do but walk the lonely beach by myself, I just am really emotional and crying right now. I was going to go to the beach but I just dont feel like driving down the road, alone for the hundredth time in the past 5 months. Mostly, I like my own company but I am feeling sorry for myself, because it seems I have no one and everyone else has someone.
I was trying to force myself out of the house, I got my beach clothes on and I just collapsed into tears, I want to be able to call friends and get together but everyone here, parties and those that dont are mothers/fathers and have children and parents and grandparents and I dont have any of those people because they are all dead or never born. I have NO ONE, and I know its my disease talking, but these are my true feelings right now and I am willing to feel them and acknowledge them.
Many times I am able to turn this around and pull out some positive thinking and say, ok, wow, good, I have a car with gas in it to drive me to the beach, I have health so that I can leave the house and walk, I have a dog that is good company, but I WANT human company. I want, isnt that "the key" here, however, I dont think it un-reasonable to have a desire for this, as humans we arent designed to be hermits.I am rambling, but the good thing is that I am expressing. I feel lighter and less tense already.
I love all my friends here on MIP, but lets face it, you are in cyber land and I am marooned on an island. I can count on one hand the people on my island who have sobriety. Doesnt leave me many choices for good company, and they are all married or have children. Yep, I guess I am making excuses.
Ok, I'm done moaning, I am going to accept this right here, right now and think positive for a Happy New Year!
Doll's reply reminds of what one of my sponsors use to always tell me. "You right where you're suppose to be". Man--I hated and sometimes still don't like hearing it. But, it's been true so far, "Time Takes Time." And Doll's right it will pass.
Hi Deb Happy new year., almost!!!! Hang in there! It will get better! I just read your biography and read the last sentence you wrote....Get to a meeting no matter how small...It seems the new year always brings in new people who resolve to get sober...Maybe this is your chance to be there for someone else and help you out too!!! I remember when I just got sober and I whined about not working...Dean reminded me that God was doing for me what I couldnt do for myself...giving me time to work on me...Hitting lots of meetings, having time alone to work a good program...I thought he was nuts at first but that time for me was just what I needed. Reach out in some other way if there are no meetings....Church groups???? Volunteer somewhere???? I wish you well and it reminds me that the grass is always greener on the other side...With a family and working and a husband...life gets sooo crazy I almost wish for a day to myself!! Another suggestion...these folks you know that have kids....provide a night of babysitting for them so they can get a night out! It might remind you why you dont have your own kids!!!! lol Seriously, they would love you for it!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I hate to think of you feeling so lonely and frustrated today. But I know that as humans we will in fact run the gamut of emotions. I want to tell you that I have felt the EXACT same way as you, even WHILE MARRIED, which is ridiculous! Seems that these feelings, for me anyway, can come about whether or not there is another human being around. I can feel lonely, empty and frustrated no matter what the situation is, and not just because I am alcoholic, but because I am human.
Sending you a PM.........
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks everyone for your support, after I wrote this blog, I called a friend and she came and got me and took me for a drive. then she invited me to her brother's house for steak tonight. God works His miracles and I am thankful.
No meeting here tonight, but meeting tomorrow night and I can't wait. But until then I'll be with people tonight and I wish everyone here a very Happy New Year!
I am soooo glad you are getting out tonight, and steak, no less!!!!! Happy New Year, Deb, and thank you for sharing your feelings tonight. Keep us posted on how you are getting on over the next few days.
((((hugs)))) Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Wow, in the end my News Years was awesome, the steak was tender, seasoned and tasty. The company was even better, I laughed more than I have in months, maybe the releasing of the tears opened me up, naw, could it be?
Today I have been invited to go to Green Turtle Cay to a Junkanoo parade, (imagine Carnival), I'll take some pics and if I can figure out how to post them I share with everyone.
Thank you to everyone here for your love, support, and kindness, thanks to God for Bill W, Dr Bob, Dr Silkworth and this amazing program that helps me really live. Bless you all
Don't know if you have a sponsor, but that is a savior for me when I get to feeling too lonely or down. I know that if it ever gets too bad, he will be there via phone or in person if need be. Glad the new year was good for you. I hope everyone else had a great new year's too. It was my first sober one in a long long time. God Bless
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
FindingFreedom, It sounds like you are doing a good effort at changing your pattern. I hope I can learn how to do this. It would have been a perfect evening for me last night if I could have not drank wine. I feel such a fool.
Dakota, don't be too hard on yourself, you are reading this forum and you posted your thoughts,
How about considering going to a meeting, this is how I have stayed sober, one day at a time, my face 2 face meetings are a place where I am held accountable, where I see others get honest with themselves and this has encourgaed me to do the same. The honesty thing is huge in helping me recover. all the best to you, keep trying, I slipped many times, but I kept going back to my meetings and eventually, the miracle happened, I connected with my Higher Power and group of recovering friends, it works, Hugs in recovery, Deb
