I went to a family Christmas lunch yesterday.I had been looking forward to it because we haven't gotten together as a family since 2004.The day arrived and a weird thing happened, I started to feel anxious, I did not expect that.I wasn't even sure what I was anxious about, maybe just the unknown.Maybe just the fact, that I had nothing to numb myself with before I went or while I was there.I knew that all of my siblings would be drinking.
I tried to think it through and realized I was anxious because I didnt want to judge them.I wanted to be able to be relaxed and calm even if they all get buzzed.If I get uptight they will be able to notice.If I look uptight then how is that being an example that recovery is an improvement over using?
Then I realized that my true discomfort was coming from me, judging me.I began to notice that I was scolding myself for the few extra pounds, what I had to wear, stuff like that.So I caught myself and stopped the mental scolding, got together an outfit that I would feel comfortable in and went.
It wasn't so bad, the first three hours were the easiest, and actually quite nice.No one was buzzed and I was able to help in the kitchen.We ate the meal and I said a nice prayer of gratitude that we were all together and warm wishes for a Merry Christmas and good New Year ahead.The meal time was nice and good conversation.I am looking at the good that happened.
As the afternoon progressed I noticed I was feeling uncomfortable and realized that this was probably due to the drinking which was now going full swing, words slurred, volume cranked up.Funny thing, is that, it doesn't bother me when other people drink, but when it's my family it's WAY harder, I know this is because I care deeply for them and have trouble letting go of the outcome while watching them in their process.
But hey, the good news is that I went and I was conscious, I didnt have to use.Most of it was pleasant, no one has any major health issues, and let me focus on the positive.This is enough.
Thanks for your share, Deb. You showed a great working of your program & positivity keeping it all with you. My family arn't alcoholic, except maybe my little sister who has had addict tendencies but is staying away from her drug of choice & ploughing herself into productive activities like raising her child & studying whilst keeping right with her God. So far so good.
I've seen my family getting silly & being foolish (1 or 2 of them) on rare occasions & have found it bemusing. My attitude has usually been one of judging them even while they're sober. I grew up thinking they were all stupid, ignorant, not how I would have them & I suffered alot for thinking this way. These were troubles of my own making! I was even so nervous about Carl meeting them in November that I realised how harsh I was in judging them & deep down internally I was turning all those judgements on myself.
In the end I was deeply embarassed for the attitudes I had about my family. I'm not saying you've had this about your family in any other way than not liking the vision of them inebriated, I wanted to share about these feelings I had a few weeks ago & your share has helped me bring this out. The last time I saw my family drunk was on my Mum's birthday last January & that was the source of bemusement but also a head shaking 'oh dear' but that's their choice. It's not their fault I'm Alcoholic. Besides, if I wasn't alcoholic I wouldn't have all the wonderful gifts of sobriety that are coming to me.
I feel free from my judging them today. My younger sister called me last night in tears after some situation with her husband where he'd walked out & she was in bits. I was so grateful for my sobriety & all I'm learning how to be a friend & sister. We were only on the phone for a few minutes but in that time I was able to calm & reassure her that knowing him, he would have left the house for a walk & some air, that he loved her no matter what happened & that he'd be back to talk. During this he did indeed return & I told her she could call again if she needed to. She texted later & said they were ok for now & then texted me today with a message of love & thanks. I was so grateful to be in a position of help. She never would have asked me before my recovery.
AA has helped me to see the positive in all of my family. I believe it is a family illness & despite our hardships & foibles, all of my family are trying their best to live good lives & I'm so proud of them. In my selfpity I was completely blind to this before. Nothing was good enough for me.
Thanks for sharing an insight of one of your experiences with your family, Deb. It sounds like you had a beautiful time & were in a good place to enjoy the nice things you all shared. You helped me sharing mine :) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you both for sharing. Makes me take a deeper look at myself and my family relationships....
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Great share Danielle, I'm glad if my share helped you, that's what this program is all about. You have a Merry Christmas and all the best for a wonderful New Year.
Hugs to you
Thanks for the comment Laurie, Merry Christmas you and everyone here on the forum.
