Hi everyone I found this website after a night of drinking. I am sipping a cup of coffee and sobering up. I have been to several AA meetings off and on over the last three months, never entirely committed. Tonight, after an extensive conversation with a good friend, I've determined that I am an alcoholic, that I refuse to acknowledge the problem, and that I need to go through the process of recovery regardless of where my heart is at (namely, it's not really wanting it).
Truth be told--there is a reason why I chose alcohol. It gives me energy, it makes me forget past hurt and sometimes it lets me grieve past hurt when I wouldn't otherwise allow myself to. It really is medication--an ineffective one, but a deceptive one, non the less. I continue to choose alcohol over healthier options. I have a wonderful support system that could I call upon 24/7. I don't understand why I chose alcohol over that. Intellectually, I know other things can help me and alcohol can't. But experientially, alcohol has helped me.
I hope that some of you can speak to me regarding these things. I really am in the nacient stages of accepting my addiction. I once pretended that i accepted it. Now, I recognize that I do not.
A little about myself----I am 25 year old female, graduated from a prestegious college a few years ago, have an excellent job and a great social life. The problem: exiting an abusive marriage. The entire event has revealed in me an alcohol problem. Perhaps this is too much information. If so, I apologize, but I could definitely can use whatever support is out there.
Sounds like you're on the right track. Most of us, that have stayed sober, have done the suggested 90 meetings in 90 days. It takes a lot of positive reinforcement to overcome the desire to drink. It's very easy to talk oneself into that "first drink". After that, you're done. So go to a meeting every day and don't take that first drink. Pretty simple. We have to be sober for awhile before we can seriously work on our problems. The tendency is to want to think our way through it first, but we must act buy not drinking and going to meetings. If we have time to drink each day, then we have a hour to go to a meeting.
If you're in a physically abusive relationship, then you need to remove yourself from it. If it's verbal, stop him in mid sentence and don't participate or react. Go about the business of getting sober and make that your #1 priority, much like you did with your studies in college. If you don't, you might as well keep drinking, until you're ready to do that.
Welcome Jess First off, glad you found MIP!! Your head sounds like its in the right place even if your heart isnt! Im chuckling because I am in the middle of putting up xmas lights and of course out of the 10 strings I have only 1 1/2 work!! At one point in my life, being as mad as I am, I would have opened up a bottle of wine , bought some new lights and halfway through putting them up, passed out!!! Yes, alcohol would have given me the energy to start this task but in the end....... So even though, time after time, I thought alcohol would get me through, it never did!!!
You life sounds good, nice job, friends and a support group... I too had all that but eventually lost it all to alcohol. Gave it away is more like it!! If you think you have a problem, then perhaps you do. As Dean suggested, 90 meetings in 90 days...Give it a try, an honest try and see what you discover about yourself. Your young and have a great lifetime ahead of you!
One of the greatest things I have discovered by going to AA is that I am worth so much more than I ever thought. No longer will I put myself in a situation where I can be abused, whether physically or mentally. I dont need to use alcohol to get through my problems. I can face them square on and deal with them. I have also discovered that by removing alcohol from my life, the chaos and pain isnt there any longer!!!
So now, have to go buy more lights and make it the most fabulous xmas tree anybody has ever seen!!! Good luck to you!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Your "story" is not unlike my own (most of us). I never knew why I drank, really, until I got sober and do the work of AA. Learned a lot about myself and learned that there is no one reason, that there are many, many, many.
Alcohol does not discriminate. Doesn't matter where we came from, what we did, what we have, the outcome is the same!
No longer beat myself up. No longer have the urge to drink. AA saved my life.
Keep getting to those meetings. Sometimes, even if we don't get "it", "it" gets us, as long as we keep coming back.
(((hugs)))
~ Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Trust me in this, you have made a wise step admitting to yourself you are alcoholic. Realizing you are about to begin a process of recovery, whether you want it or not, is a strength. I fought with it, hated it, cried over it, and fully believe now that when I exit, I will have the tools to deal with my demons better. I relaxed and let it wash over me. That is when the miracles really started to happen. I will never be free, but in a constant state of recovery. How I deal with that is what makes me a better person. But this is not about me, it's you !
I know all about self medicating in an unhappy relationship. Look at it this way, regardless of how you feel right now, you have been freed. Not sure how you feel about freedom at this point, but don't misinterpet that as abandonment. You took a leap of faith in writing on this board, and were caught. We all caught you.
One thing though, I find it very interesting that 'you' found 'us' after a night of drinking. Miracle #1.
Welcome, you can call this place home, as many have.
Scotty
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I'm proud to say I am an Alcoholic, and my name is Scott.
If the plan for me is divinely inspired, no man shall find fault with where I am today, or how I got here.
Welcome to MIP, Jessica. I hope you'll returrn & share with us some more of your honesties. When we open our hearts & get honest with others we find a boon & salvation that is quite unlike anything else we can try as a substitute. Alcohol didn't do it for me any more either. I found the rooms of AA at 29 with my desire not to drink & embarked on this voyage of love & self discovery ever since. I didn't take it too seriously to begin with as I still thought I could quit on my own & didn't know anything about Alcoholism. In time I came to understand & accept my illness, I gripped the sobriety saddle tighter & started to do as was suggested in the rooms, got myself a Sponsor & started to work these Steps of Recovery.
My life with me inside it has changed beyond recognition & I am so much better than anything I was before. I feel fuller, wholer & safer. I commend you for your achievements. They're a great thing to continue in life with but I know for me, no matter what success I've had in life, alcohol as a part of it only detracted anything that was beautiful about me. Alcohol had a way of wearing me down & eroding any true care I could have had for myself. It left me vulnerable & I became more & more sick in myself that eventually it left me vulnerable to the abusive sickness of another. I was so sick myself I had no defence.
In my recovery I've learned how to take a wholesome responsibility for myself & I have learned how not to abuse others. In the heights & lows of my own illness I had been selfish towards others so much more than I could have realised. There was a lot of self justification in my drinking. I've also come to reconciliations around my past & I'm now in a position to make amends for relationships I can help to heal & put paid to those that I can lay to rest. The Steps are a Miracle in dealing with so much of these things that can cause us uncomfortable emotions & further excuses to drink.
You will find your way in the Program. If you want a life for yourself where you no longer harm yourself with alcohol AA can offer you that. After my first couple of months of sparse meetings I realised I needed so much more. I admitted my Alcoholic status & soon began to attend at least 4 meetings a week. This was minimum for me. If you've the time & can make 90 in 90 you'll learn so much more so much faster. There are many new female friends to make who will want nothing from you but to see you happy & sober. There is a fellowship in AA of people who understand what it is like to have suffered but also how to live sober & deal with life on life's terms.
Like me, you can learn how to find a new freedom & a new happiness. You will learn how to have for yourself all the good things you thought alcohol brought you but cleanly & with none of the negative side effects. Also like me, you will find a lucky escape from the progressive nature of this illness. I have been saved the last 10/15 years of wretchedness that I have heard others as having experienced before they surrendered realising there was another way to live. It hasn't been easy but I can promise you it has been worth it! I love how my body feels today. I enjoy a wonderful health & managed to stop smoking too. After 18mths sobriety I found love with my new partner who is also sober. None of this was possible when I was drinking.
There's much to share regarding this new life I can only begin to tell you but I know if you want it & go to any lengths to work for a sober life you will discover & find out for yourself. Keep coming back. Great to see you here, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I've determined that I am an alcoholic, that I refuse to acknowledge the problem, and that I need to go through the process of recovery regardless of where my heart is at (namely, it's not really wanting it).
The statement above really resonates with me. I was not 100% convinced, my denial and delusions had not all been smashed. When I came to AA, I was curious. I didn't think I was "that bad" but I wanted to diagnose myself. When I read in the book that I would have to hit bottom, I really thought I had years more of drinking ahead of me - and that all those "yets" would have to happen before I would really be convinced. I decided to go through the process of recovery anyway. All that meant for me initially was "don't drink today, and come to a meeting". I didn't drink the next day, and I came to a meeting. Then I did it again. And again.
Nothing really came to me in a lightning bolt or bright flash of insight. If I look back and tell my story, I'll find moments when I found out new things. I can't say exactly the moment was when I went from being curious, to *wanting* sobriety. I feared that sobriety would make me a dull person. I now know that I was already a dull person.
Most of my sober experience that I have to share are simply things in my life that would not be there if I were still drinking. Assuming I was still alive. I never had one huge moment of clarity, revelation, or anything else. The same for my belief in a Higher Power. Most of us don't get it that way, and I think we doubt it for lack of an "event" that defines it. I can't tell you of any big moment in my sobriety. Just a couple thousand little ones. Which is cool, because I never really know which one will pop in my head when something jogs my memory. There are times I have my doubts, and I just can't seem to come up with anything - I'm like a starving man in a supermarket stocked to the ceiling. It's not that there's no food, it's that nothing there meets my criteria in that moment. Eventually I have to take a bite, the hunger takes over. I still have a hard time believing that the blessings are there - I don't have to fight for them, or even jump up and grab them. I just have to be humble enough to admit I need them, that my self-will has not brought me what I need. And be willing to accept the gift.
