My drinking/drugging came to a head last Monday night/Tuesday morning. I drank a dozen beers, ate shrooms, did some cocaine, and smoked dope. Really messed up. I decided that was it. Too much escape going on. So, I called up my sponsor who I hadn't spoken with for the last three months, and since then we have met a couple times with renewed hope, in both of us. I haven't had a drink since Tuesday morning, and tonight I went to a meeting. The chairperson said that if you leave out that one terrible thing in the fourth step, it will eat you up and you'll drink again. He said you have to divulge the worst of the worst, whether you were drunk or not. I deeply respect my sponsor, bordering on brotherly love really, and there are a couple things that I cannot share. If only my 4th step consisted of just lying, stealing and the occasional violent outburst, I would have no problem. I'm not saying I've murdered anyone, but with 6 days sober, I started to think: If I cannot do the 4th step right, why wrestle with the first 3? I'm not interested in a precarious sobriety, which it seems I can only have. Dangit, i want a steamrolled sobriety, one with no wrinkles in it (not perfect i understand), but i cant dive into the program with this kind of reservation. I want my sponsor to be the one I work the program with, but is it possible to do the 4th/5th steps with someone else, and then go back to my sponsor for the rest? That way I can keep his respect...? Thanks for listening...hope everyone is doing well
Hey dods, Good to see you! I did my 4th step with my sponsor and although I had some reservations, I was totally honest with her and was surprised that everything I did, she had also experienced in one way or another! What a revelation that someone was as sick as me!!!! She shared right along with me and made me feel comfortable sharing with her.
I think too if you want to share with a priest or someone else thats ok too. In my opinion, sharing our deep dark secrets with our sponsor gives them and us a better understanding of whats going on with us and who we are. Keep it simple, dont let it scare you. The thing is, that is the past! We dont, hopefully, do those things anymore. You have a little time to work the preceding 3 steps so dont get all caught up in worry over four.
After it was done by the way, I felt so relieved! Kinda felt all shiny and new and ready to carry on with this great experience they call life!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hey Dods, great to see you posting again. Welcome back. I did my 5th step with a priest, it took two nights because it had so much stuff and a lot of stuff that I thought that I could/would never share. My sponsor never complained about me doing it with someone else and yours won't either.
"Projecting" was a good way to describe what you doing. The steps are in order for a reason. Each step prepares you for the next. You need to have faith in that proccess and that 10 million others have worked them and have gotten sober and lead productive, useful, and happy lives.
There's nothing in your 4th step that hasn't been shared a thousand times already. Believe it or not, it's our ego that tells us things like how we are uniquely bad and that no one has ever experienced what we have or felt like we do. That's all a bunch of lies generated by our sick egos and our disease. Along with our low self esteem and self worth and how we think that people can see that we're not as good as them and talk badly about us and so on. 98% of our disease is the negative stuff that goes on in between our ears, and absolutely none of it is real. The 2% is the genuine issues that we need to take care of and the modification of our character defects and reactions to the BS that our mind feeds us.
It's all pretty simple, our diseased minds are full of **** and we need to not listen to what it's saying while we go about the process of replacing "old ideas with new positive healthy ones". Your mind is not you're friend, try not to think too much, you're sabotaging your success, program ect...
Maybe you don't trust your sponsor? Maybe you will be able to trust him once you have worked steps 1-3??
I like what Dean mentioned, the steps are in order for a reason. If you are not at step 4, you have no business even thinking about it. Chances are, if you work a thorough first 3 steps, your stinking thinking will already have started to change.
Interesting how I have heard that men have a harder time sharing their deepest stuff, than women do. I know this is a generality, but I have heard it said in the rooms. What I do know is this: in the thousands of meetings I have attended, not ONCE have I EVER heard a person stand at the podium and say they regretted sharing anything with their sponsor. We are all alcoholics, regardless of whether we were also thieves, criminals, kidnappers, rapists, junkies, bisexual, gay, straight, cheaters, or snagged a grandma's purse in a flurry of desperation. AA is full of all kinds, and it represents the "worst" of us. It represents a way out of all that old guilt, shame and remorse.
Talk to a pastor or a priest, even if you are not catholic. Tons of priests listen to 4th steps all the time, anonymously, and no need for the person to even give their name.
But, as previously mentioned, no need to even think about step 4. You are not there yet. The real lesson here is staying in today. What step are you on today? Work THAT one, and don't worry about the rest.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Please please please do the steps in order. If I had tried to do the 4th & 5th w/o understanding 1, 2, and 3 I know I'd be drunk right now. And it is ok to do the 5th with someone else if you choose to.
Thank you all for giving me your wisdom. I think I might seek out a priest when the time comes, at least it is an option. You guys are right. I need to put my trust in the first three steps as I get to them. I gotta keep remembering that sponsors, priests, etc have heard it all and im probably not going to shock anyone, least i hope not. Thanks a lot everyone. I really appreciate your time.
I drank over it. I havent had a tougher task than calling my sponsor today, and telling him that. He is such a good guy. I want what he has, def. Im so sick with how ive treated people. Im drinkin tonight too, its just like once it starts, etc..I called up an AA guy i have known for a long time, called him early this morning, and took him up on his old offer to house me for a little while...he refused me, on grounds that he thought i needed detox...saying: "I dont run a detox center"....I was pissed to say the least, at a vulnerable point, and he just says no? But, I understand his position...course, i dont need rehab this time around, i really dont...but its just kind of a fucked up situation right now. I guess I wont go to that meeting anymore. I dont know what to do. I cant go to rehab, too expensive, and i cant stay sober in my apartment i fear...whatever. thanks for listening
Can you call some people from AA and have them come over to your place? Ask for a 12 step call and be honest when you see them. Tell them you don't think you can stay soberr right now on your own. Praying for you and for everyone else, cheri
~Believe it or not, it's our ego that tells us things like how we are uniquely bad and that no one has ever experienced what we have or felt like we do. That's all a bunch of lies generated by our sick egos and our disease. Along with our low self esteem and self worth and how we think that people can see that we're not as good as them and talk badly about us and so on. 98% of our disease is the negative stuff that goes on in between our ears, and absolutely none of it is real. The 2% is the genuine issues that we need to take care of and the modification of our character defects and reactions to the BS that our mind feeds us.
It's all pretty simple, our diseased minds are full of **** and we need to not listen to what it's saying while we go about the process of replacing "old ideas with new positive healthy ones". Your mind is not you're friend, try not to think too much, you're sabotaging your success, program ect...~ Dean
Keep coming back, Adam & don't let your head have you off. I absolutely love all what Dean has said here. Thankyou for this, Dean. It's a true picture of how our diseased brains misguidedly try to protect us from further hurt driven by our ego motivated fears. The irony of course being that it blocks us from the sunlight of the spirit which in plain English is our capacity to love & be loved. I don't know why this has to be the case as you'd think love would come naturally to us but in our alcoholic case we have a spiritual malady which is self destructive! We are fragile beings & need so much nurturing & durability from the inside out. AA is a fellowship of men & woman who put principles before personalities. We learn how to 'play nicely with the other children' & how to not need to escape in destructive ways.
Having heard you share here & knowing something of your case I identify with your fears & trepidation, Adam. Part of getting honest means getting vulnerable & opening ourselves up to the possibility of love & acceptance. We in AA are learning how to help others whilst protecting ourselves. This is good & healthy. We are loved & cared about unconditionally but we can't put ourselves at unnecessary risk or there'd be no one to even help at meetings. So, don't be too hard on or worried about this member who is currently taking this step back. It's not unwillingness to help on his part but a patience to see you get yourself in the right place to be helped. Every AAer knows it is their responsibility to carry the message & not the alcoholic.
Your desire not to drink will be your beginning motivation & will help you take every baby step possible to get you to your next phase of development. It is a Journey that begins with one step & God helps those who will help themselves. I know for me I have done & will do whatever it takes to stay sober & you will find with enough honesty, openmindedness & willingness this will be happening for you too. Going to meetings will help you gain insights & support for you in learning more about the condition of Alcoholism. With the unaided will it is too much for us. I wouldn't be sober today if I didn't keep my courage & keep reaching out. You will find the help & the miracles you need as you go. I can promise you that. Don't give up. Treasure your desire not to drink. It is your most prized possession Today.
Goodluck getting to your next meetings. Do whatever it takes, Adam. You are worth it, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
