Instead of pretending to be perfectionists, in A.A. we are content if we are making progress. The main thing is to be growing. We realize that perfectionism is only a result of false pride and an excuse to save our faces. In A.A. we are willing to make mistakes and to stumble, provided we are always stumbling forward. We are not so interested in what we are as in what we are becoming. We are on the way, not at the goal. And we will be on the way as long as we live. No A.A. has ever "arrived." But we are getting better. Am I making progress?
Meditation for the Day
Each new day brings an opportunity to do some little thing that will help to make a better world that will bring God's kingdom a little nearer to being realized on earth. Take each day's happenings as opportunities for something you can do for God. In that spirit, a blessing will attend all that you do. Offering this day's service to God, you are sharing in His work. You do not have to do great things.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that today I may do the next thing, the unselfish thing, the loving thing. I pray that I may be content with doing small things as long as they are right.
Hazelden
(Let it be a God or Higher Power of your own understanding)
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank God for this Keeping it simple wisdom. I did the chair in Penny Lane tonight & to be honest I really hate to do them sometimes because I feel a people pleasing pressure to be as honest as I can without exaggerating but I find it hard to share about my drinking. I don't share about my drinking very often at all. I share about my Spiritual Malady. About my defects of self pity, inferiority, pride, arrogance, hurt & confusion. I speak about the emotional turmoil & my escape from self centred fear. These are my worst innermost aspects & sometimes when I speak about them I feel like I'm airing my dirty emotional washing in public. I feel like I'm attention seeking & ticking 'alcoholic' boxes. I hate that I have to tell these truths about myself as a means to getting well but that ultimately it makes me feel more dependent on the group when you tell me you feel the same & then I empathise with you. (tho I need that Catch22 lol)
I hate to do this as it feels false to me because really I'd rather tell you how well I am & that I'm doing splendidly with my program & that life really is so much better than before & that I'm grateful for every good feeling I've ever had since I came into AA as if I have to attribute it all to the Fellowship & all of this is because deep down I don't want to be as wretched as the next person. I know we're the same or similar & there are many people who are simply 'better than me anyway' (Prrp) but really I want to float on an emotional bubble of well being where I'm telling you how to get well. This is why I'm sometimes reluctant to help the Newcomer because on a deep & cynical level I feel like this seeking sublime spirituality is like pyramid selling where I get the ideas of how to exercise the theory of being well & then I pass that off as advice to the next person on what got me well when really I'm as sick & defunct as I ever was cuz I've no surrender to my Higher Power & no emotional balance. I shy away from feeling like a hypocrite & a liar.
My sickness is rife again because of my perfectionism. I am gutted that I had a tough week that I came through learned from, began to come into a good place, had willingness to move towards the next right thing in my stepwork & then I couldn't convey any of that to my liking in this meeting I chaired tonight. Talk about pride & worrying about feeling I've lost face. I hate the pressure of feeling I have to share for the Newcomer when I'm barely getting my own shit together. How can I give a positive message when I can barely explain myself & my Higher Power doesn't perform on command!
I'm venting here & feeling sorry for my imperfection. I hope this passes soon. As with today's Daily Reflection I think it may be true for me that I can never Arrive despite how much I may want to & the other irony is how can I have hope of becoming 'recovered' from alcoholism if this arrival is never meant to happen? Carl has 'arrived' in this way & I can't wait to. I'm in pain & negative self judgement right now. I'm disappointed that all I can ever realistically hope for is a daily reprieve dependent on the wellness of my spiritual conditon. I don't trust my Spiritual Condition. Like I couldn't trust myself in drink.
I'm not feeling very well right now. I hate being human & imperfect at times. I can't wait until I stop feeling sorry for myself & I don't know where to begin in using 6 & 7 to help me do this. I sincerely hope I improve with time & practice. Thanks for listening to my rant. Can anybody here help me? Thankyou x Danielle x
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 22:35, 2008-11-24
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
