Hello all my Lovely Sobervibers@MIP xx Yes, my name is Danielle & I am Still an Alcoholic. I haven't shared online for ages & some of that is to do with the fact that I have been trying to devote more time to my actual Stepwork & working on me rather than just sharing with what I've got & sometimes even feeling a little overwhelmed & less worldly than all of you here. I still feel young & naive in a lot of ways & some of that is simply because at 31 years old & having grown up looking at the four walls of many drinking places I've hardly stepped out & lived in the real world.

I've totally managed to avoid the responsibility of having my own children & I've certainly managed to stay out of marriage & the responsibility of being answerable & accountable for my behaviour in that very real & legal way. In fact, I've spent most of my formative years living in my head & dreaming up all of my ambitions & self image without actually managing to do anything about any of it. I can say this now with humour because with 2yrs sobriety behind me 1Day@aTime, some of the fog & denial is beginning to lift & I'm starting to look back over my life & see the truth of myself & my alcoholism.

My identity & reality of accepting my Alcoholic status is settling in along with the realisation that there is only one thing I can do about my condition & that is to work the Steps. There have been many times in my Sobriety I have committed to & done a little further Stepwork because it was an interesting thing to do & I thought it would help me grow but there have also been times when I have realised that, actually, I truly have little choice about whether to work these Steps or not because in fact, there has been many times when the only thing that has stood in the way of myself & a drink has been the release & salvation of surrender to these Steps & the Higher Power they represent & are a key to.

I have fought & been lackadaisical to this Program & very much wanted to do it my own whimsical way which is hardly surprising given the lack of discipline, commitment & endurance I have & have always had. Alcohol was my first base & I very rarely exercised past that. There was nothing in my formative life that I managed to see through to fruition & alcohol had always been my excuse. Ironic that now, after all this time, alcohol is now my very motivation to get my most important work done! And, if that isn't a miracle I don't know what is. This has only just occurred to me lol Thank God that I know I'm an Alcoholic & have this Program to help me!

I have been resentful that I could no longer drink or live 'some life I'd dreamed' & my obsession has been very much with me in the most recent of weeks. I have been sharing for my life at practically every meeting & attend mostly Program orientated meetings. I have hated that I have not been able to create some other self determined life where I could be great in my field & help others. The fact is that I was in a much worse state than I thought & though I thought I'd had quite a 'high' rock bottom, besides it being bad enough for me, it's actually becoming apparent now that there is worse damage in me spiritually than I ever thought was possible.

My fear & self loathing has run so much deeper & my arrogance loomed much larger than I ever thought was the case too. I have been & am full of many defects that have taken root & rotted me from the inside out ever since I was in my early teens. Drinking continuously on top of all of that only cemented all of this stuff further inside me & I've been attached to it ever since. It's only now, 2yrs into Sobriety that I'm beginning to become willing to truly let go of all of this damage & allow a Higher Power into my life to let go of these hurtful, hateful qualities. Talk about getting Honest!

I couldn't face these truths any earlier. It has been a gradual process for me of unlayering how much I have been in my own way. I thought I was inevitably & naturally going to evolve. But, the truth of it I realise now is that I could never & never have been able to stop drinking of my own volition. I am Powerless over Alcohol. I am learning how I am Powerless over Everything but that it is entirely possible for me to receive peaceful help & guidance with my Higher Power whether that be through people or prayer. Of course, I'm learning now that Prayer is so very important & for me that will take much much practice.

My point is that I'm beginning to grasp gratitude for the enormity of how my life has turned & changed from what it was. I hated that I needed this Program to help me learn how to live but the fact of the matter is that for an Alcoholic like me I was never going to be able to live & cope alone in the world by my own power. I was always & would always end up back in the pub with a drink in my hand. That was how I coped. How I would cope. I would simply have no defence against the first drink if I didn't have all of you along with me helping me 1Day@aTime learning to live Sober.

I know how this Disease is Progressive & that the pub would only be the start before moving onto many drinks at home & then the spaces between the days becoming lesser & then the morning drink or hiding bottles moving towards hospital visits in amongst ridicule & concern by everyone who cared, saw or who was affected. I hated that knowing this took away my choice of some different kind of life where I thought I was free to do as I wished & still be a succes. As it happens, I'm not & I accept I need to stay in AA for here are the answers any Alcoholic can need. I am an Alcoholic & I don't want to die an Alcoholic death. My every pain & failure has led me back to this Fellowship & there has always been someone or something here that I have needed to grow & to stay alive for the next moments.

My Alcoholic mind did not want this to happen. It wants me on my own, vulnerable & self righteous. This pride & arrogance for me is life threatening. This I understand as the nature of my Illness now. Herein lies my Denial & my reluctance to do what is truly best for me. I know no other way that makes more sense to me than AA & I'm glad to have come this far to be beginning in understanding. I have come time & time again to my knees & realised that in all my Powerlessness I am fortunate that there is One more Powerful than I & I am finding it now; The Absolute Power of Surrender. How it is that something so simple & so beautiful can be so saving & relieving & better than any drink I could take!

I've heard it said about Spirituality that we Alcoholics were always looking for the right thing in the wrong place & I'm glad I've found something now that I'm pretty sure won't kill me, take my self respect or dignity & will help me to rebuild my New Life on a Daily basis. It has only ever hurt my pride when I have resisted in the vanity that I thought I knew what was best for me. The evidence is arising that I don't & if I can only continue to practice in the humility that is required for this Program I have the faith that I truly will have a Life Beyond my wildest Dreams. I am learning the full implications of Steps 6 & 7 & I am readying for my Amends.

These are the things that will bring profound change into my life. These will be the events that will change the shape & the meaning of my life. These are the things that I already cannot imagine & that will be revealed to me as Beyond.. I'm hopeful for this promised 4th dimension. I'm looking forward to these actions taking me into my Maintenance Program & Growth Steps. Then, I will be free to do as I can dream ~ Godwilling, of course.. But, that's for me to wait & see too ;)

I didn't know that living & learning in accordance with the Program was going to be so hard yet at the same time, when I am willing, it is easy. There is no easier, softer way. And, when it helps me.. It brings more peace than I have ever known in my life. For every Newcomer that is here Today.. Keep coming back. It is not easy to Stay Sober but if you follow what is suggested, attend Meetings, get a Sponsor & work your Program.. You will see that there is truly a Gr8 Life after Alcohol & that you'll begin to live it in Freedom.

I am glad that I don't have to drink Today. I have been changing enough to grow up, have a two way loving relationship, to learn how to care for my family & work well in my job. I have been looking after myself physically & looking forward to a family of my own 1Day & I'll know how to care for & raise them too because AA has been teaching me & nurturing me into responsibility. I'm learning how to be me Alcohol free. It is truly Amazing & I'm grateful for all the love I have here & in meetings. My life wouldn't be the same without the sharing I do & hear along the whole of my Journey so far. Thanks for being with me & willing the Best for me. I hope I can give so much more in return soon. In Loving Fellowship, Danielle xx