Nic, I just finished reading your post about your Gran, and I had tears as I read it. I have been struggling with so much of the same feelings and issues for a couple of years.
My Mother who is 77 years old has lived alone for the last 12 years since my Dad died. She has been very miserable and even attempted suicide a year after his death, of course I found her and got her to the hospital. She is still angry that I intervend in that.She has Crohns Disease and empyhsema, and since her hospital stay is on home oxygen 24/7. She is not taking this well, when she first got out of the hospital she said she would let my brother ( who lives 500 miles from us) and I decide if we thought she needed to go to a nursing home, but now she says there is no way she will go.I don't want to put her in one because as a child I would beg her to take me to visit all of my adopted Grannies when their famlies put them in the home and she refused cause she couldn't stand to go there.So I know she would hate it, but she really doesn't like where she is now either.
My brother is of no help, he has a room at his home she is welcome to stay in but she doesn't like his wife. His Mother-in- law lives with them,and they all seem happy. So he just says as long as she is here, it is all up to me.The problem is I am an adult child of an alcoholic,and I learned my caregiving skills very early in my life and it is so hard for me to walk away from that role with my Mom.I try to take all that I have learned in recovery and apply it to this situation and it still comes back to being a heart thing. I want to see my Mom happy, peaceful, and safe, I want the best for her.But I also know if I don't take care of me I might not be around to care for her.
I pray everyday for God to lead and guide me , to show me what His will is in this. I shared how when she was in the hospital the nurse called at 6 am one morning and told me to get there right away that my Mom was dying,well God had other plans that day. So I guess I've learned to take this deal one day at a time,I have her name on a waiting list at the only nursing home in our town but when they call I tell them we are not ready yet. I pray that when and if the time comes God will give me the grace to place her there. The ironic thing is I visit there often because two of my old AA friends are there ,as well as a friend's paralized daughter and I don't mind at all going there to see them, but some how I don't want it to be my Mom I visit.
Nic, I don't know your Mom ,so I don't know what her thought process was when she made this choice for your Gran,but some day you might have to do the same for your Mom as my children might for me. God help us all.
Thanks my friend for sharing yor experience, strength and hope with me.Tonight I will go stay at my Mom's as I have been since she got out of the hospital, thank God for this day and face tomorrow when it comes.Isn't awesome how we always hear what we need to when we need it. Hmmmmm....
The cycle of life - birth , childhood, adulthood, old age. We each step up one and play the appropriate role for that stage. Our recovery helps us to do better, in some ways, than those who are before us, but no one is ever perfect. We just do the best we can.
It helps to remember the difference between 'caregiving' and 'caretaking'. Caregiving is when we help to care for others in healthy ways,,, and we all have a share in caregiving of others, as others also care for us when we have need. Caretaking is when it gets out of balance and we do things to others and supposedly for others that don't really help, but instead are codependent things that just get every one all tangled up in each other's lives. Like the difference between really helping someone and enabling them. Real help and caregiving is not done through guilt trips or manipulation , but is done in cooperation with the rest of the caregiving team, so that everyone thrives.
Thank you both for sharing. I am learning from this thread.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
