Bitterness. Anger. Resentment. Jealousy. Unforgiveness. They eat through your soul like cancer. It doesn't destroy the person or persons that hurt you. No, it's not that easy. It destroys you. The people who hurt you may be clueless. They may not care. But, you do. You hurt. The pain gnaws at you like a Pit Bull gnawing on a chicken bone. Relentless. Persistent. Pain.

You want someone to know you hurt. You want someone to pay for your pain. So you lash out. Pain for pain. Hurt for hurt.

Unfortunately, you hurt those that love you. You're angry, so you take it out on those that love you. Oh, it may not be on purpose. But let's face it, they are easy targets. They love us. So they won't walk away. But is it right? Is it fair to hurt those that only want the best for you and love you?

In time, we find that not only we are hurting and destroying ourselves, but we are hurting those that are "innocent bystanders". We are pushing away the very people that can help us, that can love us through the pain, that can help us get back up on our feet and keep on going.

I've been down that bumpy, pock-marked road. Going down is a lot easier than going back....so be careful....I've hurt those that have only wanted to help me. I've pushed away those that have only wanted me close.

So when does hurting hurt? When we hurt others, because we hurt.

 

FORGIVENESS

Here's a process that should take a lifetime. Actually, I'll probably have to come back a few times to complete it. Just how am I to forgive myself for the ravage I've caused in so many people's lives? How do I forgive and forget placing myself above everyone else? How can the hurts of life that seem so distant, yet right in my face, ever be healed?

Well, from where I sit, it appears it just takes time. Time to sit alone and seek whatever guidance I believe in. The word "wait" is like a slap in the face to me, but that's exactly what I've had to do. Wait and give myself time to learn a new way of living. A new way to interact with life.

Healing is like the peeling of an onion. As each layer is removed, another appears. As I look at an onion I notice that the outer layer is tough and not too tasty. It's a hard shell produced to protect the inner sweetness the core of the onion possesses. So rank are some layers that tears come to the eye as they are peeled away. But the peeling continues because we know that the center is sweet and the tears will subside and a good meal will be enhanced by its presence.

What I've found is that I need not forgive and forget, because it is really quite impossible. What I need to do is remember the event I'm dealing with and then release it. Remembering is not always pretty, it usually hurts. But I've found that nothing goes away by my ignoring it and if I wish to grow these things need to be dealt with.

The old line, "You did the best you could with the information you had at the time" gets me through the "remember and release" painful periods. I cannot judge yesterdays actions with the expanded information I have today. As I remember and release, this line helps me to forgive my part of the situation. I can only sweep my side of the street. I didn’t get this way overnight and my healing will take awhile also. But I can forgive myself for today.