Rigorous honesty. Something I will be spending the rest of my life learning about and practicing.
But now is the time of great revelation and awareness. Now I am seeing it for the first time.
I have lived my life as what is called a non-feeling person. I was raised to not talk back or have an opinion - in a hostile and violent environment.
I grew to be a kind person - to a fault - never saying my true opinion and always trying to please. Not great - but I would prefer that to covering misdeeds and lying to intentionally hurt others. I was hurting myself more than anyone else with this evasive behavior.
I am the ultimate stoic and I don't think I have ever started a sentence with "I feel". My life has been very "honest" in my opinion - perhaps what you would call "Cash Register" honest. Little white lies "Yes, that dress looks great on you" or "Wow, I love that gift" was about as far as I ever went. Until recently - when someone wanted to know specifics about my past that I did not want to share. So I lied. I am finding two things:
1. I have the right to say "it is not something I want to share with you". 2. I don't HAVE to tell everything. There are things I get to take to my grave - as long as I am honest with myself, God, and another person.
I have always wanted to be as honest with a partner as I want them to be with me. But my thoughts have always been, "if it was before you - not really any of your business if I am not comfortable sharing" - just was to scared to say it. I have no desire to know everything - I want to learn about them from their actions with me - how honorable I see them be - not how honorable they think they are from past deeds I didn't witness. Don't get me wrong, I love stories of the past, especially from a good story teller. But chronic disclosure and expecting the same just doesn't seem right.
Anyway, this was brought on by my sponsor saying the words "cash register" honesty. I have been accused of that a LOT lately - as well as pathological liar. I fully accept the Cash Register label. Here is something I found that relates my behavior:
"Although I had "cash register" honesty, I was not emotionally honest. When I was hurt, ashamed or angry, I would get compulsively busy. When I was sad or lonely, I would isolate. I covered all my feelings with a happy, carefree and in-control image..."
I didn't write that, but it describes me to a "T".
But pathological liar - I have found through my 4th step, my family and friends, and my sponsor, does not apply to me and I am very relieved. It was pure projection.
So now onto the practice of being rigorously honest. I want to make sure to learn from the beginning to be gentle in this practice. I want to start being able to share what it is my heart without worry.
Thanks so much for listening.
tlc
-- Edited by tlcate at 22:46, 2008-10-26
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__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
Thanks for a great post. I, too, rarely said what I truly felt to most people and tried my best to please them. Through AA, and working the steps, I have learned that I have the right to say when I don't wish to share something too personal with someone, although my sponsor knows everything. And, I no longer have to be a people pleaser. Sometimes the word 'no' can be a complete sentence.
Thanks for sharing.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
So love the above statements and its funny how we can all be the same sometimes!!! Didnt really look at the part in my life when I can say no sometimes...although getting better at it!!! Yeah!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
"Although I had "cash register" honesty, I was not emotionally honest. When I was hurt, ashamed or angry, I would get compulsively busy. When I was sad or lonely, I would isolate. I covered all my feelings with a happy, carefree and in-control image..."
and then I tried to drown those feelings in booze!
Awesome Post, girl. Thanks.......Needed to hear it, today
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Tlc, A priest once told me that being TOTALLY honest, with another/others can cause more harm than good at times. It is wise to 'think upon' what should be revealed. To put ourselves in the others shoes as if we were being told. I've learned the hard way.....that some things just a better left alone. We've all done and said things that we are not proud of. (Since this is a forum about alcoholism....I'm sure that holds especially true.) The point is what did we do with those mistakes. Did we make every earnest attempt to correct them? Did we learn from those things how to become better people in our actions and words? The past is the past! We grow and learn and move forward. This is what makes us who we are.....at present! It is not necessary to have another's approval. What is more important is how we view ourselves. You are correct! It is not necessary to 'tell all'. Your post......words of wisdom! Appreciative, Wanda
