Sponsee Question

tlcate · Senior Member

Sponsee Question

Sick of being sick · MIP Old Timer

If I had a sponsee who drank, but then came to me and was truthful about it, I would not 'fire' that person. I WOULD require them to go over each and every detail of why they drank. I might resign from being someone's sponsor if it was obvious that they weren't truly ready to stop drinking.

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Thank God my sponsor didn't 'fire' me after several slips! If she had, I'd probably not have made it back..... Being honest counts for a lot but No one is perfect. If a sponsor even suggested firing someone after slipping, I'd be looking for another sponsor. Not everyone "gets it" the first round!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Sick of being sick wrote:

If I had a sponsee who drank, but then came to me and was truthful about it, I would not 'fire' that person. I WOULD require them to go over each and every detail of why they drank. I might resign from being someone's sponsor if it was obvious that they weren't truly ready to stop drinking.

Add to that, If suggestions about meeting frequency, variety of meetings (step meetings, women's meetings, home group meetings...), service work, working the steps, and building a fellowship network of friends, weren't being followed, and/or corrected after the relapse, I would also give notice and excuse myself.
Daily meetings are key. Something about hearing and reading Chapter 5 everyday.

http://www.healtalk.com/public/chapter-5.shtml

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 10:12, 2008-10-24

tlcate · Senior Member

Thanks for all the feedback.

I have looked at why I drank a LOT. I am not proud I did it, but relieved at HOW I did it. I was going through a REALLY traumatic emotional and physical experience. Had a couple of cocktails in a hot bath. No one paid for my behavior - but me. And believe me - I paid for drinking those two drinks. I actually did this two nights in a row. Second night - I called out and got nothing. I was ready to give up on the program.

The next day I decided to put that experience behind me, get back to work, and just call until I found the right people. I have up'ed my meetings and a large focus for me is finding SAFE people to call when I need them. I was told over and over - go as much as you drank - you are doing great. Then that same person - when I drank - told me I was a failure because I wasn't doing 90/90. Confusing stuff. It is hard enough to be a newcomer, but when someone else is making it even worse....wow. It is trying.

So now - I am putting in earplugs and it is MY program. I will pay attention to my sponsor and those that "have what I want". This person doesn't so I don't know why I was even paying attention. I am just one of those "gotta do it by the rules - and do the best I can" people. And it is confusing when the rules seem to change as you go.

Thanks so much! That really helped.

tlc

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Tlc,

"meeting makers make it". It's very rare that you'll hear about someone, that drank the same day that they went to a meeting. That's why a lot of folks go to morning (6am, 7am) meetings, to insure their day start off sober. I didn't miss a daily meeting for the first 3.5 years, that's how badly I wanted it. As far as "calling the right people"? If you make friends in the program and talk to them on a daily basis, as you would with any good friend, you won't have to go looking for "the right people to call". I know (think) that you're relatively new, and I'm not trying to bust chops here, just pointing in the sober direction. The importance of Daily meetings and the fellowship cannot be overemphasized.

Dean

Doll · MIP Old Timer

StPeteDean wrote:

"meeting makers make it". It's very rare that you'll hear about someone, that drank the same day that they went to a meeting.

I think "rare" might be too strong of a word. I drank plenty of times right after meetings! So did my sponsor. So did LOTS of others in my HG. . Eventually, even if we don't get the program, the program will get us, as long as we keep coming back, we've got a chance.

cindy · Senior Member

i once fired a sponsor for telling my boyfriend at the time to breakup with me cause i was "too sick" to be in a relationship, she did not speak to me about this but waylaid him after a meeting. it wasnt funny at the time, funny now. i recently was asked to sponsor a girl who had a number of "rules" about what she wanted and i said that it sounded more like a parole officer than a sponsor and wasnt sure if i was what she needed. she relapses and changes sponsors, so im guessing she isnt so serious about recovery, always hard to tell. i know for myself if my sponsee calls a
"after" a relapse and wants to get back on track, we would talk about what triggered the relapse and i would affirm the importance of calling me any time day or night when things get bad. i only sponsor at most 3 people at a time so i can be available on that level, more than that overwhelms me. it took me a long time to believe i could call at any time when i was really hurting over something and so i work on this with first and formost with a sponsee, i tell them its very helpful if you call "before" you pick up, saves some grief! a call after is fine as long as your not saying "i need money" (joke) anyway, my 2 cents.

tlcate · Senior Member

Thanks Dean - and no I don't feel you are busting me at all. I just came into this thing with a 16 year dry drunk guiding me and it was so damn confusing. One minute it was "You are doing GREAT!" then the slightest bump and I was doing it all wrong. Big bump and he bailed. Go figure.

So with Doll's feedback I am going to tell you what crossed my mind and please feel free to give me feedback.

I feel like drinking more on days I do go to meetings. We sit around and talk about BOOOOZE. But, what I do get out of meetings is fellowship - and helping others - and being of service. I still don't really want to go to meetings everyday - it is really tough for me emotionally. Not because of the alcohol, but because I have never had a big social group. I don't know how to do this and it makes me REALLY uncomfortable. I have 2 I go to every week (bb & 12x12), am still bouncing around trying to find some others I like - but with the bouncing do 3 - 4 a week. And I would like to land around 4. 2 meetings with my sponsor a week - I think 6 days a week of focusing on my program is great! And I read a lot, I have to do my 4th step now, and I spend a lot of time on the web - here and searching for more info. So it is everyday - I am living this stuff - but meetings everyday...we will see. I love the study groups I am in. It is WORK. It is learning. The discussions and shares - very hit and miss for me. And there are a LOT of predators in these rooms (I just broke up with one) and it just takes so much strength to be in there, be vulnerable, and watch your back all at the same time.

Anyway, went to a meeting Wed (HG), met with sponsor yesterday, off to a new meeting tonight, then my Sat AM meeting. All I have is today.

tlc

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

well doll that makes about 6 that I've heard about since '87

tlcate · Senior Member

PS Dean. I hear you. And I will walk in that direction - but I am pushing back as you can see. I have meetings scheduled for today, tomorrow, and Sunday.

tlc

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

cool, the more you go, the more you'll enjoy it, make friends ect... It gets easier when your circle of friends, including your sponsor, are mostly successfully recovering AA's. I've been living in FL for 16 years now and I still have close friends in VA, that I got sober with, that I communicate with weekly/monthly. Then there's the group of AA friends that I made in the first couple years after I moved here that I've been and done a lot fun stuff with-sharing anniversaries, skiing, ridding motorcycles, scuba diving, flying airplanes, going to Bahamas, Keys, Caribbean, Europe....with. It's amazing what we can do career wise and otherwise, when get sober and apply our positive energy to create a new journey for ourselves. The world is wide open, and we're only limited by our "Old Ideas".

NELL · Member

I'm what you would call a pocket sponsor for a young woman. She never calls me, she never goes to meetings and I've heard that she has gone back out to do some more research. I won't chase her recovery, but if and when she's ready, I'll be there for her.(That is if she still wants me as a sponsor) I don't know why some people don't get it on their first go around, but I do know, if they're not ready, they won't make it.

Nell

matay · Senior Member

Don't know, maybe it's me. But I've never "fired" a sponsee, I even hate the name. Not all of use are fortunate enough to put it down and leave it down. In fact one doesn't even have to stop drinking to be a member of AA. They simply have to have the "desire to stop drinking" ... and AA will show them how.

Abandoning someone because they drank goes against "my" principles, and I believe the principles of AA (just my humble opinion here).

Can't help but agree with the people here though: go to meetings, hangout with AA's at after-meeting meetings!

Rule of thumb:

Day 1 - 30 meetings in 30 days, start counting from 0.
Day 31 - Do I have what I want?
- No: go to Day 1
- Yes: Great, go to Day 1 and give it back, someone needs you!

Have a sober day.
Bruce

Doll · MIP Old Timer

matay wrote:

. Not all of use are fortunate enough to put it down and leave it down.

Not even Dr. Bob.........

Sick of being sick · MIP Old Timer

And not even Ebby.

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

tlc,
glad you are here and I want to tell you I am learning so much from YOUR experience, strength and hope.

For me, recovery has been a combination of things I have to do for myself. I have to pray for guidance. I have had to work those steps, and keep working them. Meetings are important. Dry People in Dry Places was so very important to me, and still is. But like you, I too drank alone, especially in relapse times. I have had to work on the "why's" of drinking as you are now. And then learn to identify them when they creep up, and use the phone numbers, just like you are doing. I think you are doing great, in looking at what was missing and correcting that. Step 4 is going to work wonders.

There are plenty of talking heads out there who will dish out a heaping helping of shame when folks relapse, as if we did not carry enough shame on our own. My advice? Ignore them. ~~POOF!~~ Not necessary for you to go down that road with them. Just stick with your truly supportive sponsor and folks who are not spending their time in AA standing on soap boxes. Humility is the key, and if you find folks who are running around with their chests puffed out, well, you probably don't want what they have anyway, so like I said, "~~POOF!~~"

Take care,
Joni

tlcate · Senior Member

Hey Dean - you would be proud of me! I just went to an AA dance! Did my meeting this morning - meeting before the dance - and danced sober! Woo hoo!

And I got to dress up and drive home sober.

tlc

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

that's awesome! I remember my sponsor telling me not to get married at my first AA dance lol.