Hi I'm an alcoholic, I don't know if I'm supposed to share like this so please let me know if it's not appropriate.
How it was! I started drinking before I was 14 as I remember being drunk at my 14th B'day. I grew up around drugs and alcohol and it was the norm for me.
I realised at 16 I was starting to drink a bit too much as I was going to school feeling like crap after big weekend and at that time it was only weekends.
By the time I was 18 I was drinking on a daily basis and started to struggle with my schooling. I should probably mention here that I moved out of home to move in with a not so good boyfriend at 14 and stayed in that relationship untill I was 20 with verbal mental and physical abuse.
By the time I was 20 I was both drinking and on drugs on a daily basis I had left school and had a decent job. My drinking at this stage consisted of a bottle of scotch a day.
I felt that as long as I could get up and go to my job I wasn't an alco as my image of an alcoholic was completely different.
I left my relationship and started to take drugs instead of drinking as the people I haung around didn't drink. I ended up in a drug induced psychosis 3 years later and quit the drugs to be "normal again". By this stage I had 2 kids and realised that drugs weren't for me.
When my youngest started school about 5 years later I picked up a drink again and at first I was doing what I thought was the norm for drinking, a couple in the evening that was it and I was doing well untill a year later when the kids started to catch the bus to school and the bus picked them up and dropped them off at the letterbox.
I started to rise at 5am and had all the housework done by 8am when I would then have my first drink.
At first it was only a couple a I lived on 2 1/2 acres and there were things to be done. Before I new it I was drinking untill I was drunk and felt free. Even at this stage I felt guilt that made me drink more but I didn't have to be shy and scared I could be anything or anyone I had to be while I was drinking. It gave me the ability to be confident and an actor of who, when and what I was around. This was great because I didn't have to worry about what people thought of me.
After about 6 more years of this I started to realise how selfish and self centred I had become. I went to an AA meeting and they gave me a book but it all seemed too hard and I wasn't ready to admit I was as bad as them.
Three years latter I was cleaning out my cupboard when the book fell out and over the next few days I started to read little bits of it.
I could have sworn the book was written for me as I related so much to it.
After a week of reading I reflected and although I still wasn't quite ready I realised that I was sick and that alcoholism is an actual disease.
I wouldn't have thought about my drinking like that but I was not only a heavy drinker, I started to make a mental note of the times I had blacked out.
There was nothing worse than getting up in the morning not remembering what I said or did or what I promised as us alcoholics do when we drink.
All these promises that I kept breaking.
I had to do something and that bloody book was right I had to get help as my life was unmanageable and no human power could restore me to sanity, god knows how many times people had suggested it.
So I decided to pick a day and start anew.
I did well for 32 days and then 10 and then 7 not real good but I know the doors arn't closed yet and although it is fear holding me back I know that each day I need to do the first three steps to get it right
I have been sober off and on for 7 weeks so I'm still learning and have a long way to go but I am willing now with my heart and not just my head because my head and self will lead me astray.
I love going to meetings and I know that as soon as I find a sponsor and start picking up the phone instead of giving up my life to me and hand it over I will be o.k.
Thanks for letting me share. This website is great, it's an AA meeting in between meetings. Thanks for listening
I'm not sure congratulations is waranted as I've busted 3 times in between but thanks for your support Youv'e given me encouragement I can't wait till I can say it's been 7 weeks without a bust
Hi, and welcome! We have all kinds of people here with one thing in common-the desire to stop drinking and stay stopped.
We come to this forum from all over the world, and have many different ethnic and religious backgrounds. We may not have the same religious or political convictions, but we all agree to live and let live, and we all still care about each other. Because we all know that NOTHING can take priority over staying sober, and helping others to do the same.
I hope you keep going to meetings as much as you can, and that you keep visiting us! Thanks for sharing your story with us.
There are some great people here and everyone is very supportive.
The key for me staying sober is to get to as many meetings as I can, get a sponsor, start working the steps, and to share what is going on for me in my life.
The great thing is that we're not alone. We're all here for each other.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi Barbara, You have landed where you were apparently meant to be. Welcome!!! Slips happen to everyone. The key to learning to 'ride' is to get back on the horse again. Though you've admittedly fallen you get up and try again. That's great. Hang in there. And as Doll said keep coming back to MIP. We're here to give you lots of support. Wanda
Yes the racing head and the sleeplessness I've been told is all apart of getting clarity back in my life.
I have lots of anxiety and any ideas would be appreciated.
I've been told that when I get like this to ring someone or get to a meeting. I have trouble ringing people so this site is a god send for me it gives me a chance to read other peoples thoughts and postings and helps me to remember I'm not on my own as I find I get very self absorbed and have trouble talking to others because I can't actually pin piont what is wrong and feel silly for being so anxious and needing to talk to others. I find I say to myself not to bother people no matter how mny times people say just ring me. It's silly really but it's that fear and stinking thinking that get me in the end.
Thanks for your reply. It's nice to know that others are there and they've been through it all too. Take Care Thanks for letting me share
Welcome and keep going to meetings... it's the key to staying sober.
On the calling...Friday night my phone rang at midnight...it was a woman that really needed to talk to somebody right then...she's been sober for 6 wks maybe. She is facing some legal stuff and really starting worrying about it. As an alcoholic I understand that the brain doesn't wait for the appropriate time to start obsessing. She was getting thirsty and called instead. I saw her the next day and her mind had calmed down enough to get some rest. When people say call, they mean it. She helped me so much more than she knows...I don't really even know what I said to her but I know I stayed sober that night and so did she. You are NOT a bother. If we didn't want the calls we wouldn't give our number.
When I first got sober my sleep patterns were so rudely interrupted I was up til 3 a.m. about every night, restless and not knopwing what to do with myself. Eventually I began tiring myself out during the day but until then I read a lot, wrote a lot and talked on the phone a lot. I have some friends in lots of time zones (most of qwhich are AAs) and I periodically get late night calls from friends just needing to talk to someone, which I don't mind at all.
Even now I sometimes have a hard time sleeping, but lately I've been trying to work more on my stuff and so bust out the books and study or listen to speakers on CD or watch a video.
Truth be told, if I ever need to fall asleep I only need to try and read any of the big important books that I'm supposed to be reading- those things always seem to put me to sleep!
Hi Bbz73, Your post is wonderful and I appreciate it. I too am feeling the same way and have built up good time and then relapse and more time and relapse this past few months.
It is nice to see how well you handle it all and your honesty in it all. What counts is the desire to stop drinking and to do the best you can. I have struggled with AA also and the people places and things that go with it but it does help to have a place where you can feel like you can relate. So I am glad to see you persevering in that.
It helps me to keep reaching out and finding those who are willing to help and not hurt.
Thank you for the reminder of it all. God bless and welcome. Rosie
Hi Cheri I want to say you are a God send to people who need help at that hour and I can see you would be at any hour. She is a lucky lady to have your number and I see you also benefited, which is what makes all of this mean so much. And your appreciation of that is nice to see. God bless Rosie
Hi everyone, Just a quick note to say thanks for your support. I am doing three meetings a week now and got alot out of last nights meeting. I really worked the program and utilised the tools today and actually had the best day sober for a while. I have learned that it works if you work the program. Today I handed everything over to my HP and accepted everything without a fight. I don't want to get too cocky as I have a long way to go.
But just for today I had a great day and on day at a time I've been told it gets better and I will hang onto that.
Also I've actually phoned a few people big step for me but still taking baby steps at a time as I don't want to get overwhelmed with that stinking thinging I get. Take Care Everyone and thanks for your replies xx
