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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> A little humor this morning.
Post Info TOPIC: A little humor this morning.
TLH


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A little humor this morning.
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By Jhuger.

http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.php

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:   "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the crap out of you."

Me:   "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me:   "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me:   "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me:   "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me:   "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me:   "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the crap out of you."

Me:   "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me:   "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me:   "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me:   "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me:   "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the crap out of you."

Me:   "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me:   "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me:   "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me:   "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl

  1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
  2. Use alcohol in moderation.
  3. Kick the crap out of people who aren't like you.
  4. Eat right.
  5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
  6. The moon is made of green cheese.
  7. Everything Hank says is right.
  8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
  9. Don't use alcohol.
  10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
  11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the crap out of you.

Me:   "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me:   "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me:   "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me:   "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the crap out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me:   "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me:   "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me:   "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me:   "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me:   "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me:   "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me:   "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me:   "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me:   "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me:   "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me:   "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me:   "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the crap out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.



-- Edited by TLH at 14:44, 2008-10-14

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StPeteDean


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so this is a "born again" analogy?

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TLH


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I don't remember the exact story but yeah- something like that. J Huber is sort of a loose cannon, but I've always found the analogy as he presented it to be pretty funny.

Greetings,

I'm the Reverend James Huber. This is my site. Here I express my opinion, blow off steam, and practice web site design; not necessarily in that order. Some people will find my opinions offensive. If you're one of those people, you are cordially invited to fuck off go elsewhere. If you choose not to go elsewhere, you have only yourself to blame.

Philosophically I'm an atheist and a humanist with slight pantheistic tendencies. I'm socially very progressive, but politically more centrist with some libertarian leanings. Basically that means that while I personally share most of the progressive agenda, I don't trust the government with the kind of power it would take to enforce that agenda.


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TLH


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Oh geez I never actually read the rest of that page!

http://www.jhuger.com/about.php

(Not safe for those who aren't okay with a teensy bit of profanity.)

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Sick of being sick


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Looks like it could be a fit for any radical religeous freak, be they scientologists, bible pounders, jihadists, ad infinitum.

Reminds me that I still need to think for myself, take what I need (and ONLY what I need), and leave the rest.



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TLH


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The more of his stuff I read, the more I realize it translates very well into all sorts of areas- extreme political fundamentalists fit well in his stuff. He seems to be more of a realist than anything else, just exercising basic logic rather than getting too complicated trying to validate lines of reason. He's a crack up.

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Doll


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My thought:

Some really are sicker than others.........I personally found nothing humorus at all about this guy.

However, 2 days ago, I did come across a shipment invoice addressed to ( get this)

James Hung! and found some humor in that!

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TLH


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That's something I've always found interesting about a lot of the program: if one doesn't agree with someone they can throw out "some are sicker than others" or "that's your disease talking" and instantly they've implied that they're right and the others (those with the dissenting opinion) are wrong, and that the others are bad for having views different from what is "accepted".

Obviously I don't buy that, and only throw out those lame duck rebuttels as parody now and again. (I'm the person who wants to make it verboten to use the terms "democrat", "republican", "conservative", and "liberal" in political discussion. You outlaw those four phrases and there would be a lot less chatter and a lot more dealing with actual issues.) But believe it or not there are agnostics and athieists in and out of the program who are healthy, productive and kind. Some of them have mischevious senses of humor- so shoot us. If you can't laugh at yourself, you're probably in for a long, tedious journey.

But you are certainly welcome to your opinion- I would want to be the last person who ever stands in the way of people's right to have opinions and thoughts of their own. I personally found this whimsical parody poking fun at extremists to be pretty funny.

-- Edited by TLH at 16:17, 2008-10-18

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Doll


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First, you've violated Tradition 10 by starting this  and 2nd, since you did, it is MY opinion and I do think the guy is SICK! I see nothing good coming from his website (or him!) and people can get a point across without dropping the F bomb in every sentence! Turns me OFF!



Never did I imply that I was RIGHT! If you go back and read my reply starts with

"My thought" ................To each his own! 

And last, my sponsor reminds me from time to time that I'm just not that  important! Maybe you aren't either?
 

-- Edited by Doll at 10:03, 2008-10-19

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TLH


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That's ludicrous to say that I violated tradition ten by posting a humorous piece on the internet. But whatever. You win. The guy is very sick for having an opinion contrary to the status quo and writing a funny piece about it. He should see a doctor.



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TLH


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Of the dozen or so meetings I've attended in the past week, one hasn't ended with the Lord's Prayer. Oddly enough, a woman at my home group spoke this week about how she went to a rural mainland AA meeting and was totally taken aback at how brazen people were towards circumventing the intent of the twelve steps and traditions and "calling a spade a spade and just coming out referring to the higher power as Jesus christ" (paraphrasing there, but that was the gist of it.) Then I was doubly surprised when one of the old timers got up after her and explained why it is so important to keep specific religions out of the bulk of the AA rhetoric so as to not alienate people of other faiths who need the help of the program.

I found an interesting document online this mornin g:

http://www.in.gov/judiciary/cadp/docs/pubs/AA&1stAmendment.pdf

It really doesn't mean a ton- or rather means one thing looking at it one way and another looking at it another. But I did find Columbia's view on AA and religion interesting.

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