My problem is that the women in the meetings in my area seem so different from me. Very few of the older ones have gone to college, most of them don't even work. There are a lot that are coming out of sober houses, etc. I have been quite the "high bottom" drunk/addict. I have a master's degree, I'm likely to make VP at my company by 40. The girls that are more like me are so much younger and don't have kids, aren't married, etc. and haven't been sober for more than a year or so.
Am I being ridiculous or a snob? I feel like so many of them still have so much drama in their lives even though they have been sober many years. I don't really know what to do, but I really feel like I need a sponsor. Also, I know I don't make great decisions (hello!) so I wonder if I'm just bringing my addict mind to this process and screwing it up, like always.
Any thoughts would be helpful!
thanks, Jules
__________________
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you --Psalm 139
I am new as well, so I will just share what I have experienced so far and was just struggling with the exact same issue.
I initially asked a woman to sponsor me who I considered very much "like" me, professional, single mom, dresses well (ok, I am a pretty lazy dresser) - but you get my point.
You know what? That means she is very busy, tough to schedule with, and I felt this weird thing in my stomach - like I was judging.
This time - I went to a new meeting and a woman took an interest in talking to me. She appears intelligent, sober, has completed the steps, and sponsored others. Beyond that - I don't care! And you know what....it feels good! The other felt bad and a bit snobbish of me.
The only thing I steer away from - and might be wrong in doing so - is people who don't seem centered and calm. I don't want to have an excuse to be codependant with my sponsor! I just want to do the work - not worried about building a friendship. That will be a perk if it happens.
Just my 2 cents. Hope it helped.
Tricia
PS... My ex used to say he looked for someone who "had what he wanted" - like a lifestyle he aspired to - a relationship he aspired to etc. I don't know if that is good or bad either. For now, I am just desperate to get busy on the steps!!! And all I hear is "Don't do them alone!!"
-- Edited by tlcate at 15:56, 2008-10-06
__________________
__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
you don't sound like a newcomer or otherwise vulnerable. Obviously, being in the business world, you're used to working with men. Why not consider asking a gentleman to be your sponsor? Just because it's not recommended (for obvious reasons, that don't seem to apply to your situation) doesn't mean that it's not appropriate in some situations. My mother (33 years sober) has been sponsoring men (and women) for as long as I can remember. Personally I don't think that it matters much, outside of protecting the newcomer. My first and greatest sponsor was gay. I can't say that his sexual preference added anything positive to his message, but it sure didn't stop him from being a fantastic sponsor.
Welcome back, hope you enjoyed your trip. I missed you - I love your direct approach with very little BS.
Could you expand on this for me? I thought I had posted here asking about having a gentleman sponsor - but now I can't find it.
I had a gentleman - old enough to be my grandfather w/ 30+ years - offer to work the steps with me if my existing sponsor was too busy. I pondered on that quite a bit, asked a lot of friends, and the general consensus was - probably not a good idea.
I believe Jules and I are both pretty close in our sobriety date, so I am sure we will both benefit from your insight.
Thanks,
Tricia
__________________
__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
Here is something that I came across a little while ago about sponsorship. I hope that it helps.
How should a sponsor be chosen? The process of matching newcomer and sponsor is as informal as everything else in A.A. Often, the new person simply approaches a more experienced member who seems compatible, and asks that member to be a sponsor. Most A.A.s are happy and grateful to receive such a request. An old A.A. saying suggests, "Stick with the winners." It's only reasonable to seek a sharing of experience with a member who seems to be using the A.A. program successfully in everyday life. There are no specific rules, but a good sponsor probably should be a year or more away from the last drink - and should seem to be enjoying sobriety.
Should sponsor and newcomer be as much alike as possible? Often, a newcomer feels most at ease with a sponsor of similar background and interests - another physician or another home-maker, another churchgoer or another agnostic, another Irish-American or another black. But many A.A.s say they were greatly helped by sponsors totally unlike themselves. Maybe that's because their attention was then focused on the most important things that any sponsor and newcomer have in common: alcoholism and recovery in A.A. A.A. experience does suggest that it is best for men to sponsor men, women to sponsor women. This custom usually promotes quick understanding and reduces the likelihood of emotional distractions that might take the new-comer's mind off the purpose of A.A.
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
That's a good example (a man old enough to be your grandfather). To me, the quality of the person's sobriety and program, would be my primary concern. Although many sponsor/sponcee relationships turn into great friendships over time, it's should be a business type of relationship for newcomers especially. Like teacher/pupil. They are there to help you learn the steps and the program, not be a replacement for a lost parent, spouse, lover, sibling, friend. I would avoid asking someone that you felt attracted to as this would serve as a distraction. We really need these people to be objective and to be able to tell us when our thinking is flawed. If you still have the opportunity and the desire to work through the steps with this gentleman, I'd get busy with it.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I know for a fact that my husband would have a fit if I had a man for a sponsor, so I guess that is out. I have been thinking of a couple of women who have some real time under their belts and seem pretty calm and happy. I think I will try to get to know them a little better and see how it goes.
thanks again!
Jules
__________________
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you --Psalm 139
If you're in your 1st year, don't worry about getting the perfect sponsor. A good place to look for one is in a Step meeting . In talking with you perspective sponsor ask about getting through steps 2-7 in a years time. Some will say that's a fast pace, but I don't think so. Most people that relapse haven't done their 4th and 5th steps. I know this from personal experience and observation. Are you attending step meetings?
Actually I have not attended a step meeting. How do they work?
It's a revolving weekly group step study. Each meeting the members take turns reading a whole step, a paragraph or two each, out of the 12 steps & 12 traditions book. This usually takes 15-20 minutes, then a discussion about that step is the balance of the meeting. So they read/discuss one step a week and start over at step 1 every 12 weeks. I went to two a week for 3 years, so I read/discussed the whole book 24 times in that period. Whats amazing is that there is some much stuff in that book, that everytime you read one step, something new jumps out at you. In that regard it's incredibly not repetitive.
You'll find that people who are serious about getting sober and working the program are attending step meetings and/or big book meetings. These are your quality AA meetings, while discussion meetings are usually mediocre at best, and horrible at worst, with people complaining about their job, the spouse, this and that...
hi jules i agree with whats been mentioned above, im from australia, right down the bottom of it and the same applies there, many older folk told me to find a sponsor who had 5 years up at least, so i didnt ask any questions i knew i could trust there info. cheers peter.
I like the the question. I've read a few of the posts and then decided to add my 2 cents worth. And this is just my thoughts, feelings and opinions.
My first sponsor basically told me, "I'll be your sponsor." And I stayed with Ed for a while too.
But as time passed I chose sponsors because of what they said at meetings and the kind of sobriety they displayed. Do they have a sense of peace and tranquillity about them. If "alcohol" doesn't care if it's being thrown up onto a $1,500 carpet or in a dark back ally why would I try to put those kinds of restrictions on the person I'm looking for to help me get better?
My sponsors weren't chosen for their "status-quo", they were chosen because they had something I wanted, and when it comes to my sobriety, I'm greedy as hell.
Have a great sober day. Bruce
-- Edited by matay at 13:10, 2008-10-07
__________________
Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
Hi All At my home group we have a list with temporary sponsors on it. We disclose this at the beginning of the meeting and people are able to choose someone from the list who is already willing to sponsor people. I think this makes it a little easier because you know these people have "x" amount of sobriety, have worked the steps at least once and the big one...are willing to help.. Best of luck.. I have the same sponsor that I choose randomly at day 2.... she gave me her phone number but also attached a note with it...Dont remember what it said but took a leap of faith and asked her....Shes awesome today and weve been doing some good work together.. You can always change if its not a right fit or you "outgrow" her.
Suggested to me in the beginning to stick with the women too.....
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
. In talking with you perspective sponsor ask about getting through steps 2-7 in a years time. Some will say that's a fast pace, but I don't think so. Most people that relapse haven't done their 4th and 5th steps. I know this from personal experience and observation. Are you attending step meetings?