Things have been whirling by lately. Days run into the next one, and three weeks have passed. I'm not really sure why im posting this, excpet that i'd like to know if other have felt like this. I try to imagine a day without alcohol, and it seems trite, empty, and above all things, impossible; then, I imagine the day with alcohol, and it is a sad repertoire of isolation..I know, just stop drinking, but hell, I dont have much confidence in my ability to stay with it. I dont want to quit again and then fail again. I knwo that is defeatist logic, but Im looking for the authetntic bottom, not the one i had three months ago, but one that will stick..There was a family reunion today which imissed beacuse i didnt want to lie to everyone about some stuff, and it just seems like a mountain again. Hope everyone is doing ok.
Hey Dods, I think that we as a group are largely perfectionists at just about everything. You seem to looking for the perfect "bottom", and while that seems logical it's likely a distraction enabling your procrastination with moving forward, over fear of failure. It's really classic text book AA stuff that I identify with strongly. I can tell you from the other side that I've wished many times, that I had found my bottom sooner, so that I'd be further along, and not have lost so much in the process. Not just in recovery so to speak, but in other areas like saving for retirement for instance. I could be done with working if only I'd gotten sober at 24 instead of waiting till I was 29. We all have phases in life to go through and they take time, such as getting through school, work, building a house, building a business, raising a family. Some we can skip, others we can't. None of these events can happen until we commit to them and move forward. Sometimes we get stuck in some some space in time, and we wonder what the meaning of it all is. I've been there and looking back ("hindsight vision is 20/20") I know now that my fear of failure (in the future) numbed all of my feelings about the present.
This left me in a surreal and melancholy state. It didn't feel like depression at the time because I wasn't feeling much except for a mild sadness about being out of touch and out of place in life, watching people around me moving forward with their goals and dreams while I was stuck in apathy and disillusionment. The big book talks about this, something like the world is a fishbowl and I was on the outside with my nose pressed up against the glass, like watching the kids on the meri-go-round and not being able to get on, or not wanting to get on, yet feeling sad about it at the same time, knowing that I caused my own situation thru indecision, but why?. Somehow I had to heal that duality or split in my person. My authentic self wanted to be and do all those things that others were doing and this other half of me continually sabotaged my success and said "F that, that's BS...". That other side of me was a coping mechanism generated by self centered fear. I could continue, but all the knowledge in the world, about this disease will not save you from it. What's most needed at the "turning point" is blind faith that somehow it will work, based on the fact that it worked for millions of others. The tunnel that you are procrastinating about entering is curved and you cannot see the middle or the end from the entrance, but our voices, that you hear echoing, will guide you.
Hey Dodds I feel the pain in your post and wish somehow I could make it better! Life without alcohol isnt the end of the world! Its the beginning of something worthwhile! Avoiding your reunion and yourself is a very lonely place to be.
Im trying to think back to the days when I thought I would rather die than stop drinking. It really didnt seem possible that I could deal with what my life had become without drinking. Everything was a mess! I lost my job, my kids were doing awful in school and I had bills up the wazoo that I couldnt deal with paying! I didnt equate that my life was such a mess because of my drinking! And boy did I drink even harder just trying to drowned it all out!
Today I can say, life is not as crazy and I didnt die from not drinking! Had I continued on, I could have possibly died, lost my house, car, family!!
I didnt hit a huge bottom and dont wish that upon anyone to be able to admit they are powerless over alcohol! You have seen and heard enough about peoples bottoms to realise it doesnt have to get that bad!!!
I met a girl yesterday who had stopped drinking for 3 years. She had a lot of yets to happen when she stopped. Well, she picked up again in July and all the "yets" that didnt happen....HAPPENED!!! Shes now in treatment and wishing she didnt have to prove to herself just how bad it could get!
I wish you serenity and the insight to get it while you still can!!!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I don't usually comment on other people's posts, becuase I am so new at this and probably need more advice than I can actually give, but this one kind of hit home. I hear a lot of people say that they needed to hit bottom before realizing they needed help. I think that is very true of some, but not the case for everyone.
I feel like I hit rock bottom the morning that I had all of my seizures. I can absolutely say that it was the most terrifying thing to have EVER happened to me. I am scared to sleep, scared to be alone, just plain scared that I am going yo die. But here's the thing, after that had happened I was so scared that I drank 3 months later. Funny how that works. So for me, hitting rock bottom was an eye opener, and maybe started this process, but definitly didn't keep me with it. So please, don't ever feel like that will change you.
Do it for yourself. No one really knows if they will be alive tomorrow or the next day, but atleast we can have the comfort of knowing that an alcohol/addiction problem is not going to bring us to our death.....if we can find it in ourselves to stay sober.
Hey Dodds, For me a large part of the program is the spiritual part. It can be difficult to face your past, but it is part of the program as well. The program frees you to find your place in the world. I was lucky to have made a move at the time of my quitting, so I had none of the pressures of my past and I was able to straighten myself out in a new environment. I was able to make new friends that did not involve alcohol. It sounds like you may feel trapped by your environment. My small input would be to surround yourself with solid members of a group and stay with the meetings. Really try and connect with a higher power and let your higher power take the strain for you for awhile. Rest. Read Mark Twain or some other author where good and evil are well defined and there is simple entertainment. Find your hobby. Your post really moved me and I am praying for you. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
dean- You speak so knowingly of how i feel right now..indecision, outside-looking-in. Your post really helps me realize that im not the only one that feels like this and i can pull out of it, someday. Thank you so much for your posts.
lani- thanks for the post. I desperately want to get to a place (a bottom) where I can make that positive choice, but a the same time, as you said, it would be a shame for that moment to come at some great cost.
cramcj01- I read your profile and i too went to the hospital and then got sober for a couple months, thinking that must have been the bottom..I too went back out and now I have to reconcile this "bottom" theory..
turninggrey- I have withdrawn from the local AAers. My sponsor and I do not talk anymore on account of my drinking, and I dont know, I just feel like a F2F meeting is the last place I want to be right now. I figure, why go if im not willing to stay completely sober? Sure, I want to stop drinking, but if i go to a meeting tonight and then drink, I will feel like a fraud. I want to return to the AA rooms in my town, but I want to be more consistant before I start going again. Reading has always been a passion of mine, and at times it has helped me get away, so i will try and pick up my Mark Twain and Cormac McCarthy some more :) Thank you for post!
phil- thank you, yeah my body and mind are strangled by this it feels. Most days i wake up and need a couple beers to eat, which i never had to do before, only recently. Things are different lately. I get uncomfortable everyday, like clockwork..6pm---cold sweats and shaky as hell...i know standard stuff, but before it was kind of hit or miss; one day i'd be ok, the next id be jittery, etc...now it is just like every frickin day is the same, jittery and sick. I got a friend on here asked if i could check in somewhere. lol..i just did that in july. I am broke and insurance is crappy. I'm not goin to my paren ts again for that kind of dough. I would do it, but I dont know of aything that i could pay for. I thought I might just stay with a friend or something for awhile. It'd have to be for at least a week, but I would kinda want someone to watch over me in case it gets real bad, or i am tempted to drink..any other options?
Call your local AA intergroup office and see if they can find you a bed in a detox facility. Many times these detox places will donate beds. Also you could check the county hospital to see if they have a detox and if they have room. They can't refuse you and if you can't pay, then you'll have to take care of it later. The point is that you're in a serious situation now, what I would call late stages of alcoholism. I never got there, so it's pretty scary to hear you talk about it.
This disease can kill you in a 1000 ways. Do play around with it, get help and keep trying to get sober. The program has their share of "one night wonders" that have a bad experience (what you're calling a "bottom"), then came into AA and never drank again. My mother was one of those types. The rest of us had to struggle with sobriety. I have a whole jar of white chips from relapses, over the course of 2 years. Keep trying, keep going to meetings, keep reaching out for help. You are worth it.
One other thing. I benefited greatly from sharing a house with several sober people. This can be done in many ways. One way is to seek out AA clubs. The one that I got sober in had a bulletin board. On there was ads for rooms to share, rooms needed ect... I had a house to share and shared it with 3 others that had 2-7 years of sobriety. I learned everything from those people, about living a functional life, went to meetings with them and hung out. It was the family that I never had. I owe them everything. You might consider putting your college career aside for a year and focus on getting sober. Look for a living situation, sharing a room or living in a "Recovery house".
Dean- There is a halfway house here in my town, and that is affordable. Of course, that isnt as attractive an option as the detox center i went to in july, but then again I can't be superficial like that. There is a guy I met in the local AA meetings that offered to give me a room in his house for as long as I needed; he made this offer when I had just got out of rehab in July. I think he has around 10 years sober, so maybe that is something to consider too. I forgot about that until you mentioned calling my local AA office. Thanks for the ideas Dean.
The most authentic bottom is when alcohol finally kills you but it doesn't have to go that far. You hit bottom when you stop digging and are willing to do whatever it takes to get sober.
Dean- i know this may be a mute point, but perhaps im not late stages of alcoholism..i am only 26 yrs old afterall...how late in the stages coujld i be? Just sayin'. Maybe i just drini too heavy and often..like they describe in the bb...diff between heavy drinker and alcoholic...i think that is a legtimate point.
Hey dodds Read my post about relapsing...maybe would be of some help! When you are sick and tired of being sick and tires....perhaps then you will be willing!! Hopefully its soon!!!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Dean- i know this may be a mute point, but perhaps im not late stages of alcoholism..i am only 26 yrs old afterall...how late in the stages coujld i be? Just sayin'. Maybe i just drini too heavy and often..like they describe in the bb...diff between heavy drinker and alcoholic...i think that is a legtimate point.
hey Dods, I was referring to these comments.
"Most days i wake up and need a couple beers to eat, which i never had to do before, only recently. Things are different lately. I get uncomfortable everyday, like clockwork..6pm---cold sweats and shaky as hell...i know standard stuff, but before it was kind of hit or miss; one day i'd be ok, the next id be jittery, etc...now it is just like every frickin day is the same, jittery and sick."
Iwas never a morning drinker, and seldom felt sick unless extremely hungover. No shaky sweats unless I was drying out. And Dods I began drinking at 8yo and got sober at 29. You denial is killing you, a "heavy drinker" doesn't have these kinds of issues either. I never went to college, but went to work at 16yo instead, and I never lost a job, or got fired. No trips to the hospital, no detoxs, no rehabs. But I did sleep in several jails for an evening.
The big book talks about this, something like the world is a fishbowl and I was on the outside with my nose pressed up against the glass, like watching the kids on the meri-go-round and not being able to get on, or not wanting to get on, yet feeling sad about it at the same time, knowing that I caused my own situation thru indecision, but why?. Somehow I had to heal that duality or split in my person. My authentic self wanted to be and do all those things that others were doing and this other half of me continually sabotaged my success and said "F that, that's BS...". That other side of me was a coping mechanism generated by self centered fear. I could continue, but all the knowledge in the world, about this disease will not save you from it. What's most needed at the "turning point" is blind faith that somehow it will work, based on the fact that it worked for millions of others. The tunnel that you are procrastinating about entering is curved and you cannot see the middle or the end from the entrance, but our voices, that you hear echoing, will guide you. 
