hi, im new to this aa online thing. whatta we do....just vent about how bad our lives get? i just got off a three day bender and im utterly pissed with myself. if i say i wondt touch another drink again to myself im gonna jump. im so bored of drinking, im so sick of everything it ruins. the shame mostly. the hard thing for me is remembering how bad shit gets when you're drunk. i dont remeber most things, but its that first one...its seems so innocent, so refreshing, so nice. but for me, over the years and years, its always the same. but after a few days of being sober i feel in control again, i totally forget what the last hangover was like, that i drove whilst utterly pissed, that i palmed my 2 years old son off to some family memeber cause i was too hung over. im young, attractive, social. eveyone around me, except those that really know me, think im fabulous, just a little eccentric, they reflect an image of me that attractive. but inside, even if i didnt do anything that bad, im so ashamed of myself. i hate myself. im out of control. i become someone i dont understand or know. i dont know how to stop drinking, because year after year the same promises every hangover. i actually dont see the possibilities of being sober, at all times. i get the literature on alcoholism. i get it, it just never sinks in. im intelligent, im articulate, i have lots going for me, but i fuck it all up for that few moments of joy, which i forget anyway. i makes no sense. anyway over he past few days i managed to fuck up a few friendships and potential relationship. not feeling the best. i need help, hopefully this place will shed some light onto the situation, cause i have an inkling im in a massive amount of denial and a massive amount of trouble.
thanks for listening, it felt good to tell this computer how fucked up it all is.
Excerpt from the fifth chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it- then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that one is God. May you find Him Now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2:
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4:
Made a fearless and thorough moral inventory of ourselves.
5:
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6:
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7:
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8:
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9:
Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10:
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11:
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12:
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all or affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
__________________
Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
this is good. thank you all for such replies. i need to do this. i WANT to be honest, i WANT so much to be fearless. I WANT to be the best i can possibly be, without that feeling of destruction that creeps in all the time, wants to sabotage everything. i think that erradicating guilt is a good start. i feel so guilty, so shameful, so full of hatred for myself and embarrassment and shame. i thank you for helping me, for the moment, with that.....
Welcome alana Yea life can get pretty shitty if we let it but it can also get wonderful...IF WE LET IT!! I hope you hit a few meetings, meet some people and find you are not alone.
Its hard being the new girl but You are the most important person to us old folks!! (not that I have tons of sobriety but by a grand miracle will have a year the 21st!!!!! No way I said and here I am.... Life gets sweeter! People love us so much more when the true us comes out!! Best of luck!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I couldn't ever imagine life without alcohol in it for me. It was all I thought about. But, I went to AA and I found that I wasn't alone with my problem. It helps me so much to listen to other people and to find out all about their recovery. I gain so much strength and hope from what other people have to say.
Try going to a few meetings and take it from there. Life really does get so much better when we put the drink down. And, I discovered that the fear of quitting drinking and going to AA was vastly worse than the reality of it.
Please keep posting and letting us know how it is going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Welcome. Go to a meeting. Seriously. I have been there too. And I didn't go to meetings, I figured what was the point of sitting around complaining with a bunch of drunks? Except that isn't what it is at all. I found instant fellowship and a real plan to rebuild my life. Give yourself a chance, a gift.
Please keep posting!
Peace,
Jules
__________________
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you --Psalm 139
