I've just had, perhaps, the worst twenty-four hours of my life. I have just come back from saying goodbye to my love of over seventeen years at the airport. I don't know when we will be together again. I have cried and cried today. So has he.
We were so blissfully happy until my alcoholism really took off. Then, he had no choice but to leave to save himself. After that, work commitments took over for him outside UK and it's not been possible for us to start living again.
But, we have been talking about getting back together again. It will mean me leaving my home and the area that I have known and loved for twelve years. But, that is nothing. I just want to be with him again.
I couldn't make it to a meeting this evening because of going to the airport, but I logged on here as soon as I could. Reading all of your posts has given me such a lift this evening and so much strength and hope. I thank you all.
You have reminded me of how much I have to be truly grateful for. I am sober today and can start to make plans for the future; I no longer let people down and feel disgusted and ashamed with myself; I am studying; I have my AA friends; I have a wonderful program of recovery and a blueprint for living my life. I could go on and on.
Although these days aren't the best, they are infinitely better than any drunk day that I had. Thank you AA and MIP.
I just needed to share where I am right now. Thanks for reading.
Love you all,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Dear Carol xx Thanks for trusting & sharing with us. Even though your heart is aching & you could be so upset & angry right now, you're still using your program & your gratitude to keep you safe with your eye to a better future whatever that may be. I'm glad your relationship is working through the difficult times you've had & it must be exciting to think where the possibilities of your love may lead. 17yrs is a wonderfully long time & you both must know, love & care for each other deeply to do whatever it has taken to grow & develop yourselves as separate people. That takes courage & I'm proud of you both.
Your love is strong & I know the pain of missing one at long distance yet at the same time having the space to use to concentrate on yourself. In a way, it has all equally been a blessing though very painful too. It makes the sweetness & joy of when you get together or even talk or correspond that much more special & enjoyable. Again, we know tis 1Day@aTime & the two of you will work out together what your future will hold. Relocating is a very scary prospect yet at the same time.. What a life! And we can start over with better skills & will never, by the grace of God, have to go where we've been before. It's all new in recovery :)
I hope you feel some comfort soon & gain the strength & wisdom to do what you feel is right for you, Qx God bless, Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I wish to take a minute, just to say we love you Carol.
You have given of yourself, with love to everyone here on a daily basis.
You are a truly remarkable gal.
May your dreams come true...and hopefuly the time will come..when you and your soulo mate....WILL be together..once more...and not have the heartache of being away from each other.
Onward and Upward!!
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
I wish I had the words to make you feel better but I don't think I do. I do know that you give us so much love on this board and you deserve nothing but happiness. I think we see your true colors. God Bless.
scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I definately feel your pain.
Hang on tight to your recovery. Get to a meeting tomorrow, OK?
You deserve the desires of your heart and I have a gut feeling you will get them. Just try to be patient (ewww, dirty word!) and follow your HP's will for you and your love.
It will work out. I just know it will.
Love you, so much!
BIG, HUGE ((((hugs)))
Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Wow, thank you so much for your kind words! It was a terrific start to the day and has brightened me so much. I have a lot to keep myself busy with right now and I'll be hitting a few meetings, too. I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow evening and I'm looking forward to that.
So, as Phil says, it's onward and upward!!
Thanks for being here for me. You're the best.
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi Carol So glad you shared with us just where you are! You are so loved and deserve every bit of happiness that comes your way. You are in my thoughts!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hey, I just felt I should share my experience with you. I got sober in a certain town, my home group, my friends, my sponsees, and my Higher Power were all there. I moved away and committed to my family. I'm a shy person and did not attend meetings. I believed that I could just work the program in my family life and that would be enough. It wasn't. I went back out; all for a reason. Reason being, AA and God are everywhere. I am grateful to have come to realize that because without that I'm as good as dead. Not to be glum, because now I have the miracle of sobriety and everything that comes with it including God back in my life. I wish you all the best. Take care, Marc.
-- Edited by Marc T. at 10:02, 2008-10-01
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False Events Appearing Real
Sometimes one must stand to do the "next right thing"
Hi Carol, I am sorry to hear your love has had to go away from you. That is hard to take. But at the same time I feel you are handling it with much grace and strength.
Kahlil Gibran on Love
When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
God bless you sweet girl, You give this forum so much and make it a safe place to be. Love Rosie
Many hugs and much love coming your way, Carol. You are such a bright spot in so many lives here. Bless you, and keep trucking along... things are going to work out good for you, you can have faith in that fact!
(((((hugs))))) Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.