My noon F2F was an awesome one, today. A LOT of good shares. Things I had never heard before. I listened & hung on every word of everyone. So, here's what I learned about myself.......
I never knew just how much pain I was in, until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.
There has been all types of pain for me in a 25+yr drinking career. There has been phsyical pain, when my ex husband and I would get rip roaring drunk and just beat the living crap out of each other or I lost my balance and fell over the porch railing or down the steps & once I even fell off the toilet and banged my head on the vanity, got 10 stitches from that one.
As my disease progressed the physical pain gained a partner. Self loathing. The kind that comes from the shame, guilt and remorse to once again either drink when I hadn't intended to or get puking drunk when I only intended to have a couple.
Then it became a threesome. The pain I caused others. Finding out that I robbed my son of so much of his childhood. Making my mother worry about where I was and if I was OK because I was too drunk to go home, too drunk to call, too drunk to care.
I believe, today, that I was born an alcoholic. Long before I took that first drink I had that hole in my soul. That bottomless, black pit that nothing and no one could fill. Looking back I realize now that I've always hated myself. That I've always been full of fear. That I've always felt less than. That, by itself, is painful.
Then came the pain of facing the idea that I might be an alcoholic (Thank you, God). No one, ever, had told me I might have a drinking problem ( Not that it probably would have mattered at the time because I believe I had to go through all the pain to get to this side of it) until John. And hearing that was very painful.
Going to AA was not so difficult, once I actually got my ass in the door. I had no intention of quitting drinking. I figured I could pick up a few pointers, lay off the booze for a bit to make John happy, and learn to drink like a lady. It didn't take long for the pain of realizing I couldn't do any of what I had intended, started.
The pain of being a victim was always there, too. I liked playing 'victim'. "You" hurting me gave me a justifiable reason to drink. My illness told me if I could justify it, then it would be OK. Then came the pain of learning that no matter what the reason, the outcome was always the same.
The pain of my illness itself, growing and progressing inside of me became too much. What a wonderful motivator that was.
Getting honest was painful. It has taken me quite some time to be able to be honest with myself. Admitting I'm an alcoholic is one thing, but accepting it was a whole 'nother ballgame.
Today, because of AA, not only can I admit it, but I accept that I was an alcoholic yesterday, I am an alcoholic today, and I will be an alcoholic tomorrow.I know that I'm here for a reason, that I was blessed to make it to AA and that God don't make junk!
The pain that life sometimes throws at me is still very much present & still very real. The miracle of AA, of sobriety, of recovery is that no matter what pain I'm handed I can get it through it without a drink. Just for today.
-- Edited by Doll at 22:41, 2008-09-20
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thank you "princess Leah!!!!" -I think thats who that is on your avatar!! Great share and Im feeling right where you are! It is painful getting honest with myself but necessary to do! Just realized it the last few days! But today I am willing. Need to get honest with myself and get rid, with my hp's help, of those "old behaviors and ways of thinking...Change is a comin!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Long before I took that first drink I had that hole in my soul. That bottomless, black pit that nothing and no one could fill.
Hey Jen, thank you for your share, like Lani, I love your Princess Leia avatar, kicking, and, I just love how this program works, HOW, Honest, Open-minded, Willing, good stuff.
I really like your reference above. Here's a part of something I found online a couple months back that I found interesting along these lines. I have to give credit to the author his name is listed.
Have an awesome day! Deb
The God-shaped hole in the human heart is in fact an infinite and terrifying abyss, Pascal said, which I try to cover over with all sorts of false facades. But then a crack appears in the facade, and I see through it the well of eternal nothingness plunging down forever, and I hurl myself back in total horror. Only that which is infinite and completely transcendent, Pascal said, could fill such an abyss.
So here I am at day 31. I know what I am thinking now is probably what a lot of newbies think, I am not unique...but luckily what I am feeling is pushing me through the rest of the steps.
I feel free. I feel SO MUCH LESS pain and guilt than I did 45 days (slipped at about 2 weeks in) ago. I have accepted that I am human. That I have made mistakes along the way - but I don't have to hide them anymore. And truth be told - they weren't that bad - I came in with a higher bottom than some, and lower than others - and I am sooooo grateful. But I did do some really stupid things during my drinking days - and am going to have to make ammends. But I am finding - as I FINALLY open up and talk to others about LIFE - my isolation and guilt was making things much worse in my head than they actually were. And though people who are not alcoholic have done what I have done, that they make mistakes too. And - if during making my amends - I get push back - that is OK!
I have a new lease on life. Regardless of the pain I have to go through in step 4 & 5, I don't have to live like that ANYMORE...and I am excited. I didn't think it would ever end. Apologizing for any pain I caused others will be much easier than talking to them with a hangover and embarrassment. Saying "I am sorry, I am trying to change" - is POWERFUL for me.
tlc
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__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
Most of the pain that Ive experienced...has been self inflicted. :)