Our whole treasured philosophy of self-sufficiency had to be cast aside. This had not been done with old-fashioned willpower; it was instead a matter of developing the willingness to accept these new facts of living. We neither ran nor fought. But accept we did. And then we were free. BEST OF THE GRAPEVINE, Vol. I, p. 198
I can be free of my old enslaving self. After a while I recognize, and believe in, the good within myself. I see that I have been loved back to recovery by my Higher Power, who envelops me. My Higher Power becomes that source of love and strength that is performing a continuing miracle in me. I am sober . . . . and I am grateful.
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Today that is just what I had to do...Accept where I am and rely on a power greater than myself. Had a bad day and the overpowering feeling of "numbing" my feelings came over me! I cant even tell you how close I was to saying screw it! Drink, suicide!! (maybe not THAT bad!) But, if I wouldnt have prayed my head off, made some calls to my support group and layed it all out honestly, I WOULD HAVE DRANK!! It sounded that good to just block my feelings and not have to deal with it! Im sure some of you can relate to HOW CLOSE I came!
I often think, can it get that bad that someone would just go and do it! I felt first handed that pain. Had I not surrendered and used the tools I would have been way off this board! Thank God, I came to my senses, (or better yet, my HP MADE me come to my senses) and did the right thing. I made the calls, talked it through with my sponsor and even though the "issue" has not gone away, right now, I AM SOBER!!! What a scary feeling! So, for those of you who are struggling...there really is a softer , easier way! I guess Im proof that it can be done!
Use the tools, get on your knees!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I came close a few weeks back after 5yrs sober. For the first time I felt real emotional pain and god did it hurt ... I stomped off brought the biggest bottle of Vodka I could find and was ready to press the Fuck It Button Suicide .... I guess I must have more of this programme in me than I thought cos you know what as soon as I had done the dirty deed and paid for it all that old feelings of guilt shame disgust came flooding back .... and yes dare I say it a slight familiar buzz .... dangerous ! You know what I never even took the bottle out of the bag I ran home shoved it in a cupboard and sat down and tried being honest with myself for a moment... Amazing I could see yet again the situation had been caused by my emotional sobriety yet again... dishonest motives expectations up there reality down there ... Head skipps off to walton Mountains yet again ... Suddendly the resentment self pity was gone could I really be that selfish to risk anothers hard gained sobriety because I was feeling sorry for myself... what about my son , my sister ?? More importantly allthough I kick against this programme constantly , arrogantly thinking my way is best .... I love this sober life and all the things I have back in my life ... Yes I was hurt why ? because I wasnt getting what I felt I needed deserved but thats a human emotion but just like I choose not to take a drink I realised I had a choice I could choose to learn and grow or simply stop and what Die ? Despite myself this programme works Today I am learning humility and true gratitude ...
