Hi All, I had not posted for a bit. I remodeled my bedroom this past couple of weeks and it is looking real nice now with new carpet and 4 coats of paint and now the window sill and molding and new door has to go in.
I also ordered a vibrating, raises at the feet and head made of memory foam and something combined that is very comforable and I got a nice armouir that is just beautiful coming on Monday morning.
It will be nice and I look forward to a whole new room!! The bathroom is next!
But as I did the room and tore it all apart it felt good and freeing and I gave the bed I had to my middle son. Nice expensive bed but I had it with my ex so it felt good to get rid of it.
Anyway as I painted and did the work many painful tormenting memories came flooding back and they were all not good ones. He was very cruel to me and the room had too many demons of him to have good memories.
But yesterday with the room pretty well done I feel better and look forward to my new furniture and my "new" room!! Decorating will be fun!
I ended up relapsing and not doing well for a few days. Very scary stuff.
I got a message from Carol that helped me a lot and this morning I dumped all the booze out and did not drink a drop. It felt good.
Thank you Carol, You are a God send to me. Love Rosie
Rosie, sounds great on re-doing your bedroom, and putting old memories to rest hopefully, as well. I have been where you were at, in a relapse, as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope things will work out now that it is behind you. Not all of us get it the first time (or second or third... in my case), but there is still so much hope if we just have today, and we keep coming back.
I am so proud of you, and I wish you well.
Love, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hi Joni, Thank you for that very much. It means a lot. I have done a lot in many ways this past couple of weeks and worked through a lot at the same time. I really needed to tear that room apart and purge so many things about it.
As I did that I also realized how much I have to change in my life. I feel I really came to a lot of things that I had to feel and come down to earth about.
I tore off the door and the window and sill and the carpet up from the floor after I took the bed out and took it to my middle sons house for him to have. It is a real nice bed and very comfortable but it was something he bought about a year ago on one of his power and control trips and something that was his and not mine.
Plus he was so cruel and I spent many days and nights in my room feeling like crap over his abuse and when he would take off for weeks at a time being cruel. And the closet was a place he would stand at threatening to leave. Very hurtful thing and also a room he had told me all kinds of vile things due to his sex addiction.
It looks like a whole new room and I tore out the closet and got a new armouir that will hold my clothes and the space where the closet was will be where the head of my bed will go.
I feel this is so important to me. And will help me have the sleep I have not had for the past 7 and a half yrs or more. And I feel it will help the way I feel in being tired and nightmares waking up feeling he is in the house or in the bed.
This forum means a lot to me and I thank God for you all and again thank you Joni. Love Rosie
Still thinking about you and your situation tonight, Rosie. You just keep moving forward, and ever further away from that sick person you had in your life, and concentrate on YOU and on healing. Remodeling is so very therapeutic. Especially when it is our INSIDES that are getting the remodeling!! Stick around.
(((((hugs)))))
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hi Rosie, its nice to see you back and posting again, have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.
I too have been re-decorating and carpeting my home, ive done every room except the kitchen which I hope to do this week. Mine was to clear out memories and start afresh too but my memories were just drinking memories thankfully and not of an ex. It must be so hard for you honey, living in the same house as you were in with an ex who you loved and who was very sick like he was.
I too feel lucky that I am a hard hearted bitch so break ups really dont bother me, I dont even think twice about them once they are gone.
Welcome back, Rosie. You sound like you're doing great in all things practical! I hope you're enjoying your independence & not feeling lonely. Meetings will help you to stay stopped. They've changed my life. Probably so much I'm still too proud to admit it (but it's true ;) I hope you get all the help you hope for. God bless, Daniella x
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 06:27, 2008-09-14
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Meetings are what keeps me sober. I can't do it alone. I need to share what's going on in my life with people who understand and can identify. My sponsor says 'a problem shared is a problem halved"
Do what you need to do to get through this. But think about changing what you've been doing as it seems to not be working.
Joni's right, for a LOT of us it took several relapses before it was our time. Learn from each one, enhance your program and keep coming back.
Prayers going up.......... (((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
It means a lot to me. I feel better today and excited to get my new bed and armouir tomorrow.
I had just moved in my home over 8 yrs ago when I met this man and he and I got together quickly. He had been sober about 14 yrs and I was excited about that because I was getting sober and had been for a couple of years and felt he and I could do the meetings here so that I would feel supported more.
He and I did good for a bit until he announced his sex addiction and I supported him to get help and the sex addiction and his needs took over everything! He was like an endless pit.
And he went into denial and out of it a billion times and even though I kept taking care of me and putting down boundaries for myself and disengaging he would do the craziest stuff that just wore me out.
And because of physical abuse I had surgeries and pain pills came into play and then the alcohol. I got back up and stopped drinking and did my steps and really worked hard on sobriety and to work and to to college with a 4.0 average and working out and feeling serene knowing it was his problem.
I had him arrested and he went to 6 mos of domestic education classes and went to therapy but to no avail and life was not good with him.
He left blaming me for his addiction and all of the problems. That is hard to take. Even as I type this I do not blame him for how I feel.
I am traumatized and that is because I put myself in the position. I take full responsibility for that. None the less the trauma is very hard. But I am doing the best I can and I feel proud of that.
I seem to recall about 2 or 3 years ago, when you were sharing on this board, Rosie...that you were going through the same thing with yesterdays....as you are today.
Time to put it in yesterday...let it go....leave it there....and get on with living sober..one day at a time.
You might have been a victim then...but today is a whole different ball game.
As my sponsor used to ask me...What step are you on today?
It is all great.. that you are going forward in a lot of areas..regarding your home etc..however....
However...Sobriety must come first.
To do that? when being newly sober?
I must go to meetings....put a rag in my mouth...open my ears....be humble...and be willing to learn.
Dont mean to sound critical...but I call a spade a spade.
If nothing changes...nothing changes.
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
Hi Phil, You are all wrong in your judgement of me. I am not a victim and as far as recalling me on this forum I may have posted then but I was not posting as a victim nor do I claim to be one even at that time.
I am not a spade, I am a human being with things to talk about just like everyone else on here. Maybe you need to put the rag in your mouth and open your ears now.......
I made huge changes and worked very hard to do so and I am proud of that.
You are very harsh in your judgements of me. I do not know who you think you are but you sound very unsober to me. Some of you people who are supposedly sober for a time get way too high on your horse. I feel you need a lesson in humility and kindness.
People like you are the reason people like me who are really working hard to stay sober leave the forum.
By the way your capital letters are shouting in the terms of forums. Big bully or what????
gday rosie, and cheers from adelaide, i think if i was in your shoes i would practice a bit of balance, dont spend to much time thinking about the ex while renovating, if possible. and if the stinking thinking is getting to much then pick up the phone or go to a meeting or both when your thinking is getting to you,
when i gave up the booze i had to learn that i had mass of situations to get over, and so as time went by i filled my mind up with AA stuff and became my own AA encyclopedia, i still almost gave up on occasion and almost broke under the pressure, but that pressure for me was caused by my relentless thinking in the resentment area of my life.
Hi Hills, I do practice balance. This is a process that I am going through and as I do so it is nice to be able to talk about it. Just as others speak of their life on here.
Even those who have been not using alcohol for awhile and who have done steps etc etc etc.
I posted here I am already having a hard time and to be attacked by the moderator who holds a grudge (not sober behavior) and who does not practice what he is preaching to me is very hard to take and has been very upsetting because this forum is something I need right now and has helped me greatly in this past month or so since posting.
I do appreciate your advice Hills. God bless Rosie
I need this forum and have been sick since yesterday feeling I would be ganged up on instead of understood. Your post has helped me greatly. Thank you so much. God bless Rosie
The beauty of this board is we can all be honest with each other and still love one another. Im sure all that we say is because we care. Otherwise, why waste our time.
I feel I can share anything on here and if someone disagrees, they can share it If Im talking BS, someone will let me know If they couldnt care less or have a different opinion, they dont have to respond.
Its when no one replies or could care less that bothers me....No matter what ...know we care. period.
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I'm happy for you, for your new bedroom and sorry about your relapse.
Wow! Everyone here gives such great suggestions. I'm not very good at expressing how I feel, but I'm going to give it a go.
My recovery has to come first, no matter what else is going on in my life and let me tell you, there has been no pink cloud for this Alcoholic since I've been in recovery....life has just been showing up at my door. I think on-line groups are great and I've learned so much from ready everyones post's here, but I need face to face meetings. I need the hand shakes, the hugs, the tears and the laughter that you get in face to face meetings.
If I don't make recovery first in my life (and this is just me I'm talking about) It's just a matter of time before I make it the last and out I'll go!
You did the wrong bedroom, it's exactly the same as ... oh wait, that's MY bedroom.
You go girl! Glad to hear you dumped the booze. As you are reading this it's a part of the past. And since we only live in the NOW ... you're OK and on track.
My sponsor once told me that painting and moving furnature around is the best way of helping to get rid of "past memories" if one couldn't afford moving or selling/buying new. Something to do with the mind's eye, you're making it "yours" and that's OK. Time to put your new memories in that drying paint.
You'll look at your new room and remember how Carol wrote you, and you dumped the booze as the paint was drying. And that's a really nice memory for your room.
Make more nice memories for yourself, then share them, OK? Bruce
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Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
Hi Rosie! I had not posted in a while, and have been very busy with work and doing well soberly! I'm always here for you as I know all of you are there for me. I have had funny thoughts lately like"wouldn't it be fun to just have 1 little $.50 bottle of vodka like they serve on airplanes? That could not hurt me! (like to celebrate good news from my retinal specialist yesterday!) I did consider this but would have had to drive out of my way, and then I considered the rediculousness of having that alcohol (no matter how small!) and the calories (about 90) and other factors, like why did I want that and how great would it be anyway?. It is always a struggle! I fight with myself all the time, but am winning one day at a time!!!! Except those stinkin' thoughts, I'm doing well and rarely have drinking dreams lately!
Hi PJ, I am glad to hear you are doing well. I have struggled but at the same time I have great support from many people. So one day at a time again I have been doing the best I can.
I appreciate your post very much. It means a lot to me. God bless Rosie
The biggest gift sobriety has given me is to be able to go through the BIG shit and not take a drink over any of it..... I stopped living in the problems and started living in the solutions ~ Meetings, step work, practicing steps 10-12 daily, taking others suggestions, even when I thought to myself "How the hell is that gonna help!" But somehow, it always has. It takes a few 24 hours of white knuckling sometimes, but the more time that passes, the easier it gets. Atleast it has for me.
I got real sick and tired of ME. That one foot nailed to the floor and running in circles is exhausting. Surrender was the anwer.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
gday rosie, and cheers from adelaide, i think if i was in your shoes i would practice a bit of balance, dont spend to much time thinking about the ex while renovating, if possible. and if the stinking thinking is getting to much then pick up the phone or go to a meeting or both when your thinking is getting to you,
