Hi everyone! Sorry I have not been here much. Today I finally got honest and I need to share it with you loving kind supporters of mine. Last October 10 my sponsor/best friend and practically mom died. I have not been right since and didnt really associate it with it. I have a lot of guilt behind her death. You see, that morning she called me and said she was scared and could I come stay with her. I ran right over. We spent the whole day loving eachother. But many times I begged her to let me call 911 but she made me promise not to call them or anyone for that matter. She said she did not want to die on a cold hard bed in the hospital that she wanted to go comfortably in her own home. This was hard for me but I had to respect her wishes. Actually I was honored that she chose me to do this with/for her. She went to bed that evening, and I was so scared and distraught I went for her morphine pills and I took a whole handful. I didnt know how else to deal with my feelings and I couldnt very well call anyone. So there is guilt number one. Then she called me to the bedroom and asked me to sit with her. I was edgy and didnt want to sit there,she sensed it and told me to go watch tv and get comfortable. Theres guilt number 2 Well she came out a while later sat in her chair and said it is time, call 911 and she died. I shouldnt feel guilty but I keep thinking what if I had called someone, what if they could have saved her life and she would be with me today. But I also know I was honoring her wishes. I was in denial of that fact that this was affecting me at all. But ever since that day I have had one physical illness after another, panic attacks and binge drinking. I realize now that all my pain is cause of the guilt and not knowing how to greive properly. At least now I am on the right track I admitted it now I have to figure out what to do next. Love you all! Allison
Thank you for sharing, Allison. You are right, you are on the right track by sharing this. I've heard many times, "we are only as sick as our secrets."
Have you found a new sponsor? I have lost two sponsors since coming to A.A., one who relapsed after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, who then passed away, and another who committed suicide. I refused to get another sponsor because I didn't think I could bear going through the pain of another loss. So, I "sponsored myself" and relied on the people I sponsored from years 3 through 17 sober. I would not recommend this. When I eventually stopped going to meetings, I didn't have a sponsor to tell me to get my a** to a meeting and stop resting on my laurels. And, eventually, I drank again.
Please keep coming back, and please keep letting us know how you're doing.
Glad to see you back and I love what Phil shared! We are only as sick as our secrets comes to mind for me too! Let it go. Live and let live! Now it is time to take care of you. I pray that you find the strength to move forward!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
