Not only do I battle the demon of alcohol, I battle the demon of loneliness....

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

Not only do I battle the demon of alcohol, I battle the demon of loneliness....

Rosie · Senior Member

Hi Scott, Lonliness has been something I have gotten overwhelmed with since my ex left in March. But when I was with him I felt more lonely at times then I do now.

But I do still feel lonely and it has been one big reason I end up drinking to fill that void and then I go out to bars for about an hour each time I drink to try to fill that but it does not help because I end up so drunk that the interactions are not good and I cannot remember them anyway hmm And I come home via taxi and the next day money spent and I feel worse and more lonely and left in the anxiety panic that is induced by alcohol and money being spent.

I was sober 15 days this past week and relapsed due to being so out of it from being lonely and taking on other peoples stuff just to have people to talk to. And the next day I was so out of sorts and unbearably lonely.

I ended up being adrift at sea and running errands and saw a person I know from the golf course country club next door and we went over and drank there.
It did NOT curb the loneliness and again I was in the same boat.

I have only been with my ex and that was for 8 yrs and now he has been gone 5 and 1/2 months. When I drank I would miss him a lot. But sober I know I would not want him my life again no matter what but that is what loneliness does to me.

I have found that going to visit my family and do things with them helps me to feel better. I know it is way too soon for a relationship for me or to think of one. But it would be nice to have someone I could relate to.

When I see people loving each other and they have someone beside them at night it hurts me to not have that for me.

But something is happening for me that is freeing inside of me to be alone and be okay. I know I have to guard against the lonely feelings and do things to make myself feel better.

I am redoing my bedroom and putting new carpet, painting and decorating in a nice spiritual way. I feel it will help me to feel more serene and it will give me something to do.

That lonely feeling you have is no fun and very painful. And sad. I understand that.

My Dad died after 44 yrs of marriage and my Mom got her drivers license, got a job and met her now husband of 15 yrs. At age 67 and she is so happy and in love. She got her Associates degree at age 70. And she and her husband have traveled around the world. And at age 82 and my Step Dad age 89 they cut wood every day and do all kinds of things. Very young for their age.

There is still time dear soul to have it all. Right now though and I know this is not something you may want to hear, you have to be okay with you and find ways to fill that void for yourself with self care and new things for yourself.

Time to expand your horizons! Getting sober, taking on new things you may have dreamed about at one time of your life and all that you deserve.

I tried to date a couple of times and it made me miss my ex more. I need time with me to heal and I am starting to be okay. Breaking up is a very painful process.

I feel I would rather be sober and lonely than drunk or hungover and lonely cry

Take care and keep up the great work of sobriety. You deserve all the best. Rosie

-- Edited by Rosie at 11:54, 2008-09-02

FindingFreedom · Senior Member

Hi Scott

I sure can relate to the feeling of intense loneliness, and the moping around, dont let anyone tell you, oh just get over it and move on, yes, that may be the long term goal, but after I ended my long term relationship, I needed to mope and heal and grieve and deal. People who say, give it time and youll meet someone are NOT acknowledging how you feel right NOW, I think this is inconsiderate of them. Maybe they have never experienced a break up, either way, I wont excuse them. I have experienced some of what you describe. Here is some of my ES&H:

My last relationship ended march 2007 because I wanted to get sober, I, too was left living in the house we had both shared, and man, like you are experiencing, it sure got quiet in there, no noises from other people, I could hear a friggin pin drop and it felt like the four walls were closing in and I could hardly breathe sometimes.

Heres what helped me, these are the things I did, first I went AA meetings, then I began to make friends with and spend time with other AA members, and most helpful has been I started to practice prayers of positive and thankful thoughts every morning before I went to work, here are 6 of the 15 things, I speak out-loud to my HP before I leave for work:

1.Thank you God, that I have a second chance today, to make things right, that I am still here, alive.

2. Thank you Higher Power for giving me the strength to overcome my weaknesses and to be open to learning.

3. Thank you God for all the infinite, unlimited possibilities of each new day, what could happen today?!

4. Thank you God, for my good health, (I even said this when I was sick)

5. Thank you Higher power for helping me to believe in You, through my willingness to believe, I have been transformed, my spirit awakened, I am conscious!

6. Thank you God for the beauty of your landscape, the planet earth, the stars and these islands that I was born into and where I choose to live.

Speaking these thought/prayers out-loud on a daily basis helped my mind to stop thinking negative things. I think the negative thoughts fed my loneliness. I didnt even realize how bad the negative thoughts were entrenched in my mind, until these positive thoughts replaced them, which happened, slowly, through practice. Like yourself, I live on an island, and I dont know about you, but I had many negative thoughts about the place I lived, I couldnt see the positive side and felt stuck. I thought it was about geography until I realized it was about my thinking and my dis-ease.

Hope this helps, sending you ((hugs)), smiling at ya from my side of the circle, keep up the good work, Deb smile

-- Edited by FindingFreedom at 12:31, 2008-09-02

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello Scott,

well, I was in the same position that you're in at the beginning of my sobriety.
I had tried to live with my wife and get sober for 2 years while going to meetings and it didn't work. she still wanted to be able to drink and go to bars (without me) etc... We had a 2 year old son at that time. It got to the point where I knew that I couldn't get sober and be with her. So I told her to move in with her parents. It really sucked for about 4 months until I realized that it wasn't about Her. I came to the realization that I had felt the same way about all the other serious relationships that I'd been in before, most of them anyway. So I deduced that if I felt the same way about several very different people that it could've been anyone and I'd still feel abandoned, even though I'm the one who told her to move out. So what does that mean? Well it means what I said already, It's not about her. It's my feelings, I own them, and I can change them along with my surroundings and my lifestyle. Translation- get a life.

I accepted that this major change in my life meant that I was going to be a bachelor again and I was determined to get good at it and like it. I also knew that I needed to get busy with not so important activities. It's summer now you've got plenty to choose from. I also understood that exercise produces endorphines and increases engery levels, makes me feel good about myself, look younger thinner, all those things I needed to get back into dating again (in a few months). For the first time (in two years) I got busy with meetings, making friends, and hanging out with people in the program. I was blessed with about 4 AA clubs in a 15 mile radius (including 1 in Georgetown DC

). Once I got started with that and kinda redecorating my apartment, got a siamese cat, getting some chineese take out food and a few movies from blockbuster, life started looking good.

I Had my son wednesday nights and every weekend. He was a 2.5 year blonde haired blued eyed chic magnet if you'd ever seen one. biggrin

I bought a motorcycle, starting riding to meetings. Met up with some others that did the same, rode together to AA clubs, the beach, concerts, car shows...

Not too long after that I started dating again at age 30. I thought that that was going to akward, I was wrong and it was a lot of fun dating sober. Probably one of the best 4 year stretches of my life. Whoda thought? I'm 48 now and have a wonderful 2nd wife of 11 years (together 15) but if the unthinkable happened, I'd be ready to do the bachelor thing all over again biggrin

. Life is good after divorce... Very Good! Get busy, life is short, too short to sit around and feel.....well you know what you're doing right now smile

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 17:15, 2008-09-02

Phil · MIP Old Timer

www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

Rosie · Senior Member

Hi Phil, Thank you for posting that. It is full of great things that has been good for me and I know others to read. smile

God bless Rosie

Doll · MIP Old Timer

I've lost my son to drugs. He's on the street once again and I grieve that loss also. Soooo, I pray for him, I talk to other parents who are in the or have been in the same situation. I vent, I cry and I share.

I, also, ended a 5 yr relationship about a month back. I, too, have been lonely, miss the phone ringing, miss not making plans for the weekend, miss waking up to him on Sunday mornings, I just miss him, terribly.....Sooooo, I am going to more meetings, talking to my sponsor more, reading more, hanging out before and after meetings. And of course, I've cried quite a bit.

I have come to the conclusion (you forgot this one) that time takes time. In the meantime, I will feel what I feel and grieve my losses. Good, bad or indifferent a loss is a loss.

I do my best to be grateful for what I do have. To find some humility in all of this. And to be there should someone want my ES&H.

Rosie · Senior Member

Hi Doll I am sorry to hear that about your son. And to also lose a relationship is very hard to take. You inspire me in my quest to stay sober and deal in a much healthier way. The senselessness of this dis-ease is just so beyond comprehension.

God bless you. Rosie

TLH · MIP Old Timer

I can't remember where I read that alcohol is the "lonely drug", but I've read it and heard it more than once. It took a while for me to get my head around that and it still could have more than one meaning.

I have always kind of isolated myself throughout my life, even when I was with people. I always felt alone or different or singled out or ostracized, even though I could be fairly popular and had lots of friends. I've found that's a really common idiosyncrasy with many alcoholics.

I just moved from my home of fifteen years to another island in a huge city where I know like three people. I try to stay busy and I spend a lot of time in bookstores reading books or out walking/biking around the city. I've been going to lots of meetings and have met a few people there, and will continue to do so.

Loneliness is tough and those feelings are hard on a person, so I do my best to get through them by getting out like I said to bookstores and drinking tea and reading for a few hours. It would be so easy for me to find some girl and latch on to her and drag her unwittingly into an unfair situation just because I'm super lonely sometimes, but going to meetings (and making mistakes and learning from them) I've learned a few things about the realistic, responsible way for me to deal with this stuff, and I just hang in there and hit a few more meetings.

I was really head over heels in love once and it didn't work out, and I remember how good that felt when it was good and have a tiny glimmer of hope that someday something like that will work out for me- but I know I have to deal with a bunch of my stuff for a while before that can happen, and I've come to terms with that fact and for me that's just the way it is.

At least I'm getting a lot of reading done. Any more tea and my liver might shut down.

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hi Scott
So glad to see you posting!
Let me tell you, the last couple weeks have been incredible! I cant relate to the lonliness youre feeling right now without your family around and all the choas that comes with it (lol), but I can relate to the lonliness that was self induced.....

So, I decided to make a change...
Am walking 3 times a week with a "new" friend in the program and accepting or planning invitations to cookouts, coffee and last night 8 women went to see Mamma Mia ! What a total blast I had! I love these women I have gotten to know! After saying "I cant go because of this or that" they finally convinced me to get out and meet other women and DO things outside the rooms of AA!

I am so glad I took this leap of faith and trusted my HP to provided for me what I wasnt sure how to get. Friendship, companionship and trust of others! What a great feeling! Im sure there are people in your meetings that do things together. Invite yourself if you have to...they will welcome you with open arms!! And the best part...no strings attached!!!

hills alive · Veteran Member

gday scott yes ive been there done that too,

you need to get in amongst people on a regular basis, join a local community center, a club that interests you, theres GROW throughout the world,find some voluntary work helping the disadvantaged etc. etc. if you want to write to me,
my email adress is coombepeter@yahoo.com.au get involved in other forums like this one but dont expect a quick fix over night, just live in hope that this wont last unless you do nothing. cheers peter. smile

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

Thank you sooooooooooo much. Everyone! This is what i have done so far.

I rejoined the social club at work. I will be attending the next general meeting. We have a golf tournament to plan, halloween/pumpkin carving contest, kids christmas party, adult christmas party. That should keep my mind busy.

I will write you Peter. And thank you

I am about to post something new so check it out all ! Good news !